Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Hipster House Hunting

One of my Twitter followers, alerted me to this fine dwelling available for rent in Fitzroy, VIC. I've never lived in Victoria, but then again, I've never had the opportunity to become part of such a magnificent "Life-community". Click on the picture for the ad, then read my application below.

Greetings and salutations Tohbeye, Katisha and Liam,

I am a fellow humyn seeking life-partners of my own (well not of my own, because I don’t believe in ownership).

Like you, I’m currently involved in activism groups for gay rights, women’s liberation and Palestine. I tried to combine these three causes last year, by hosting a gay rights and women’s pride parade on the Gaza Strip. I was shot several times and airlifted to an Israeli hospital where they saved my life. I know, totes ironic...

What’s slam poetry? It sounds fun. Is it a mix of poetry and pro-wrestling? I used to love watching the WWF as a kid (before I became anti-sports). It’s called WWE now though, because a giant panda complained about trademark infringement, which is fair enough, pandas are pretty much the Palestinians of the animal kingdom and humans are the Israelis taking away their habitat. Imagine Hulk Hogan reading poetry, that’d be amaze balls.

I’m also into vegan, fair-trade cuisine, but “Organic” is so mainstream. I usually only eat biodynamically-sourced berries from certified agricultural enclaves within West Papua New Guinea. All my food must be sown and harvested by tribal elders, in accordance with the lunar cycle.

I am very tolerant of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex humyns. I love George Michael, even though he used harmful chemicals to bleach his stunning locks back in the Wham days. I forgive him though, because he gave me Faith. Oh, I also love giving guys handjobs, so I guess that makes me pretty "Gay friendly".

If I become your life-mate, do you mind if we change the spiritual rejuvenation time to 10pm? It’s just that I usually like to workout for an hour at 8pm before practicing my pan-pipes at 9pm. When I train, I exercise all muscles, except my gluteus maximus, because I’m totes anti-gluten.

I agree that money is a capitalist concept, which has no bearing on our soul’s enlightenment, so instead of a donation, I would like to offer my services as a vintage bicycle mechanic. I specialise in tying colourful bandanas to the frames of fixies, as well as polishing faux-leather saddle bags.

If I become the successful new comrade for your life community, can you please inform me via carrier pigeon. I don’t believe in telecommunications, because "The Man" can’t be trusted. One minute you're using your free Vodafone to Vodafone minutes, the next, you're seeking asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Well I say, fuck that! FREE ASSANGE!  

Peace, love and serenity,

Rich Wisken.

Response... sort of

No comments:

Post a Comment