Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Dear Kogan Mobile...

Written in mid-2013, this was my very first complaint letter. For some reason it disappeared from my blog, so here it is again. Kogan Mobile (now defunct) was owned by Ruslan Kogan, a Belarusian online retailer. When I moved back to Sydney from Perth, I signed up for a 6 GB/month mobile data plan. After just two months, I received this email:

Dear Bryan from Kogan Mobile,

You spell your name the same way as Bryan Adams. I hate that guy, but that’s not important. I’m actually writing in response to the email you sent, informing me that my pre-paid contract has been terminated due to “unreasonable use”. Let me share a story from my childhood with you.

Every Sunday when I was eight, I’d buy a choc top ice cream from Mr. Whippy. As soon I heard Greensleeves, I’d exuberantly sprint towards the pink and white van and exchange my money for an ice cream at an agreed price.

On one occasion, I was enjoying my choc top, when the driver jumped out of the van, yanked the ice cream from my hand and declared that I could never purchase frozen dairy products from him again. Apparently, eating the ice cream that I paid for was considered “unreasonable use”. As you can imagine, I was very upset. Nowadays, when I hear Greensleeves, I curl up into the foetal position and shake like Michael J. Fox in an earthquake.

Guess what Bryan? That never happened. Imagine if it did though! Wouldn’t it just fucking suck to pay for goods or services that are swiftly ripped from your hands by a chubby, spectacle-wearing Belarusian dickhead? I know, what a coincidence, the driver in my fictional narrative hails from the same country as your boss.

When I first read the term “unreasonable use”, I immediately assumed it related to the extraordinary number of pornographic websites I frequent. Have you visited lemonparty.org, or are you more of a meatspin.com kind of guy? Anyway, when I read that it had nothing to do with my superhuman porn compulsion, but because I used the 6GB of data allocated to me, which I paid for; you can imagine that I was just as upset as when the arrogant, piece of shit Mr. Whippy from Belarus destroyed my imaginary childhood. In case you were wondering, the driver’s name is Ruslan.

I understand there are terms and conditions, but here’s an idea for you. How about when you advertise your 6GB/month data plan, you write in big, bold letters next to it: If you actually use the 6GB in the stated period, we’ll terminate your contract and send you a boring, generic email from a guy named Bryan. You’re welcome to use my idea free of charge.

Thanks for reading Bryan, I would call, but last time I rang Kogan I was on hold for half an hour before the line went dead. This happened twice in the same day. The upside to this is that I now know all the lyrics to Hall & Oates’, Maneater - a very apt on-hold song choice for your company. When you decide to change your tune, I recommend the song Asshole, by Dennis Leary. Again, you’re welcome to use my idea free of charge.

Who knows Bryan, perhaps one day we could put this all behind us. Maybe we could go to the movies or something. Iron Man 3 is supposed to be really good, but I just hope we won’t be thrown out halfway through for watching an “unreasonable” amount. 

Oh, and no choc tops...

No regards,

Rich Wisken