tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16240666970363600672024-03-14T17:49:22.787+11:00Rich Wisken WritesI write silly things on the internet.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-28917985409247127442016-03-03T20:21:00.000+11:002016-03-03T22:04:17.513+11:00An Open Letter to Cardinal George Pell<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dear Cardinal Pell,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As you're well aware, the Catholic Church is the largest property owner on the planet, with an estimated $15 billion cash in the bank, an art collection worth $17 billion, and vast reserves of untold wealth in stocks, gold bullion, jewels, and pretty dresses. If I had all that money, I'd want the best bookkeeper on the planet to look after it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You must've been thrilled when Pope Francis appointed you prefect of the Secretariat for the Economy in 2014, effectively putting you in charge of the Vatican's finances. But before I go into that, I'm a little confused. Why have you guys accumulated such mind-blowingly enormous riches? I only ask because, well, you know...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If we are too attached to riches, we are not free. We are slaves.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/573400086572498944">March 5, 2015</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When one lives attached to money, pride or power, it is impossible to be truly happy.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/492257915290390528">July 24, 2014</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance, says Jesus. This is where true wealth is found, not in material things!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/332074398871855104">May 8, 2013</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">May the Lord help us overcome the temptations of wealth, vanity and pride which seek to destroy the truth of the Gospel.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/698977705220513801">February 14, 2016</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seeking happiness in material things is a sure way of being unhappy.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/379156466025766912">September 15, 2013</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Earnings and capital are not more important than the human person, but should be at the service of the common good.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/700061550275649536">February 17, 2016</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The martyrs teach us that wealth, prestige and honor have little importance: Christ is the only true treasure.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/500477064231665664">August 16, 2014</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Economic interests easily end up trumping the common good.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/611569086703636480">June 18, 2015</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If money and material things become the center of our lives, they seize us and make us slaves</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/395195728802246657">October 29, 2013</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A Christian who is too attached to riches has lost his way.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) <a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/636091901951610880">August 25, 2015</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you hoard material possessions, they will rob you of your soul.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) </span><a href="https://twitter.com/Pontifex/status/496596541402935296" style="font-size: x-large;">August 5, 2014</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If your boss's tweets are gospel, doesn't that make him an unimportant, hypocritical, vain, miserable, soulless, capitalist slave who's lost his way, hoards material possessions, and has no regard for the common good? Don't worry, I'm not here to judge. I'm actually here to help. You see, I love money, and can't stand the thought of such an absurdly massive amount being wasted due to incompetence, deliberate or otherwise.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What incompetence? I'm glad you asked. Over the past four days, I've been watching you give evidence to the royal commission into institutional responses to child sexual abuse. With all due respect, you appear to possess </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's that's recently suffered catastrophic brain trauma.</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TEd-9FTD0Nw/VtYN6W9v1kI/AAAAAAAACGY/PwkDLeFwnOM/s1600/celestial_120517b2_w0640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="330" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TEd-9FTD0Nw/VtYN6W9v1kI/AAAAAAAACGY/PwkDLeFwnOM/s400/celestial_120517b2_w0640.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I had a dollar for every time you answered one of the commission's questions with, "<i>I can't recall</i>" or "<i>I can't remember</i>", I'd have sufficient funds to pay for a neurosurgeon to treat your apparent severe memory impairment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now, I know 40 years is a long time, but it's not like the questions being asked were, "<i>Cardinal Pell, what sort of sandwich did you have for lunch on February 4, 1972</i>?" or "<i>What colour dress did you wear on Sunday, July 21, 1974?</i>" No. The questions were related to the systematic rape of children in your area at the hands of your trusted friends, housemates and colleagues; hardly something one is likely to forget.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, back to the money. Do you honestly think someone with the memory of a potato should be responsible for such an obscene fortune? What if you forget the PIN for the Vatican credit card, or do something idiotic like accidentally give all that money to the poor, or the victims of widespread child sexual abuse? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To be honest, I did wonder if there could be any other possible reasons for your memory loss, but the only one that came to mind was that you're lying to protect the church. Then I realised there's no way an upstanding man of God such as yourself would ever do that. Can you imagine what kind of vile, conniving, evil, malevolent cunt would protect child-raping paedophile priests for four decades? </span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-30LuvC6YAEM/Vtfjhlb8d8I/AAAAAAAACG4/uM0Y-lmnQgE/s1600/514457-cardinal-george-pell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-30LuvC6YAEM/Vtfjhlb8d8I/AAAAAAAACG4/uM0Y-lmnQgE/s400/514457-cardinal-george-pell.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />The picture of you above is how I imagine you would look thinking about such a repulsive cretin. Seriously, what kind of sick, twisted, bottom-feeding piece of shit would use his power and religion to hide behind his own disgusting, unforgivable crimes? Hmmm, really makes you think.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Look, I know you've been an outstanding representative of your faith, saying things like, "<i><a href="http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2002/07/28/1027818485171.html">Abortion is a worse moral scandal than priests sexually abusing young people</a></i>", "<i><a href="http://www.smh.com.au/news/world/pell-backs-pope-in-saying-condoms-worsen-aids-spread/2009/04/10/1239223049052.html">The idea that you can solve a great spiritual and health crisis like AIDS with a few mechanical contraptions like condoms is ridiculous</a></i>", and "<i><a href="http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2002/05/19/1021801638594.html">God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve</a></i>", but perhaps with your failing memory, it's time to move on and let someone else take over. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, Cardinal, I'm sure you have lots of important things to do, like visiting your heart specialist (remember, you're very sick), picking out your pretty dresses for the week, and dedicating your life to something for which there is no evidence whatsoever. But, while you're doing all those things, I just ask that you think about whether you're the best possible option for Vatican treasurer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Holy regards,<br />Rich Wisken</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. If you want to improve your memory, I found this awesome Easter-themed memory card game. It's for toddlers, so hopefully you won't find it too difficult.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-35601694906536085132015-10-31T15:39:00.001+11:002015-10-31T19:47:41.975+11:00An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg...<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Last night, my favourite Facebook page, Drawing Dicks on the Herald Sun, was removed for violating Facebook's Community Standards. The much-loved page became an Australian icon, gathering 379,585 fans in just three years. This letter is for people who believe that censorship stifles artistic freedom of expression, and for those </span></i></span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">who want to see the phallic, veiny masterpieces return to their news feeds immediately. </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dear Mark Zuckerberg,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">During the Easter break, I visited the Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) in Hobart, Tasmania. Its founder, David Walsh, describes it as a subversive adult Disneyland, so as you can imagine, I was incredibly excited.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The minimalist feel of MONA’s subterranean gallery space makes you feel like you’re being held captive in an elaborate Fritzl-esque sex dungeon. Thankfully, Stockholm syndrome soon sets in and the fear is replaced by a comfortable familiarity. I recommend visiting for the architecture alone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">To be honest, I don’t really ‘get’ a lot of art, but I’m a master of pretending that I do. The trick is to spend at least three minutes staring at each exhibit through squinted eyes, whilst nodding and thoughtfully stroking your chin. Having a beard and wearing brightly coloured pants also helps. I didn't understand the vast majority of work at MONA, but one piece resonated deeply with me — James McCartney’s, Great Wall of Vagina. I even used it to wish my Twitter followers an enjoyable Easter.</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SCc8OeFsmUY/VjP7-5yfmZI/AAAAAAAAB9E/bKRmLhWTMh0/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-10-31%2Bat%2B10.22.55%2Bam.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SCc8OeFsmUY/VjP7-5yfmZI/AAAAAAAAB9E/bKRmLhWTMh0/s400/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-10-31%2Bat%2B10.22.55%2Bam.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In my 33 years on this planet, only one other collection of art has filled me with as much joy as this prodigious posse of plastered pussies — Drawing Dicks on the Herald Sun; a Facebook page dedicated to the favourite Australian pastime of drawing penises in the newspaper.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As you can imagine, I was horrified to learn it was recently banned for violating Facebook's Community Standards regarding nudity. I find it strange that your progressive company would censor any form of art, let alone these masterpieces.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Some of the world's most revered and cherished works of art depict nudity. Imagine if they were censored because someone found them offensive.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your Community Standards state that you restrict nudity because some audiences may be sensitive to it. That's like banning bacon because certain religions find it offensive, or prohibiting free speech because some people don't like what's being said. Perhaps the inimitable Stephen Fry summed it up best.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cpG4p-JygKQ/VjRBpaMIOyI/AAAAAAAACBI/5De_d4ZAFKY/s1600/fry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cpG4p-JygKQ/VjRBpaMIOyI/AAAAAAAACBI/5De_d4ZAFKY/s400/fry.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your guidelines go on to say that you allow photos of paintings, sculptures and art that depicts nude figures, and that nudity restrictions apply to digital content, unless it's educational, humorous or satirical. Me, and the other 379,585 fans of the page think it's absolutely hilarious. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I understand these images would be offensive to some, but is that really a good enough reason to forbid them?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">No it's not, Mark. That's why I'm writing to you today, begging that you restore my favourite Facebook page. Not just for me, but for the founders, artists and fans, who, like me, might not understand most art, but feel deeply connected to this genital genre. With the decline of traditional print media, it's only a matter of time until newspapers become an artifact of a bygone era, so please let us enjoy drawing dicks in them until that sad, flaccid day arrives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sincerely,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich (Dick) Wisken</span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-82559271067740930242015-07-21T20:57:00.000+10:002015-09-14T14:38:46.034+10:00Replying to Hate Mail <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>I've received thousands of emails since my <a href="http://richwiskendrinks.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/dear-jetstar.html">Jetstar letter</a> went viral. Most have been positive, but every now and then I receive some fairly strong hate mail. I'm not sure why, but the authors of this hate mail usually possess the spelling and grammatical prowess of an illiterate blind person who types with a baseball mitt, or Floyd Mayweather. For that reason, I tend not to respond. This time I couldn't help myself...</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Friday 17 July 2015 7:09pm</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: richwisken@hotmail.com</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Subject: fuck ya self cunt</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">dear rich whisken or should i say dick. yeh i should say dick coz thats wat ya are. have ya always been sucha fucken dick or is it somthin ya work on for years. yeh i thought so your a natural. your probly wonderin why im sendin this. coz your a fucken pussy bitch thats why . ya know there are worse things than some fat shit sittin on ya on a plane ya dumb cunt. thats wat ya get for flyinwith jetstar ya retarted cunt.and before ya ask no im not a fatty. boohooo some fat fuck sat on ya. big deal. ya think its ok to winge and teas some body about there body even tho your probly just a small dick faget sittin in ya mummys basment wankin it to poofta porno. faget. yeh so what ya can write a a funny letter big deal. dont make ya afucken comedien. see how funny ya are when imcrackin ya fucken skull in funny man coz thats wat ill do when i find ya faget ass. yeh ya better be sacred cunt coz im gunna put ya lights out for good.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Friday 17 July 2015 8:11pm</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Subject: Your email has been intercepted</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Greetings jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am G-BOT 5000, Google’s new automated spelling and grammar robot. In order to preserve the English language, I have been tasked with intercepting and correcting emails that contain an unacceptable number of spelling and grammatical errors. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In addition to this, I am programmed to detect threatening, hypocritical and homophobic language. I am also programmed to compose a suitable alternative before sending it to the intended recipient.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have made the necessary amendments (see below) and forwarded your email to richwisken@hotmail.com. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't worry, that human will never know I was involved.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Automated regards,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">G-BOT 5000</span><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Amended email:</span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Dear Rich Wisken,</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I hope I don’t come across as a pathetic, easily offended loser with no life and the brain capacity of a slug, but I just wanted to tell you that your Jetstar letter upset me greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re a brilliant and hilarious writer, but I just can’t stand body-shaming.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Under no circumstances is it okay to mock a fellow human’s physical attributes. For instance, I would never insult a man by implying that his penis is small. Penises come in all shapes and sizes, which I think is wonderful. </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I also loathe intolerance towards homosexuals. One particular word I find utterly abhorrent is "Faggot". It’s something I would never say, let alone grossly misspell. I even applied a rainbow filter to my Facebook profile photo to show how tolerant I am. I also love men with really big muscles.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Another thing I detest is violence. Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent”. I totally agree. Furthermore, using a carriage service to menace, harass or cause offence, carries a maximum three-year prison sentence under section 474.17 of the Criminal Code Act 1995. That's why I'd never threaten to violently end someone's life via the internet.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Kind regards,</i></span></span><br />
<i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">J-Boy.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>From: richwisken@hotmail.com</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Friday 17 July 2015 8:36pm</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Subject: Hello J-Boy</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear J-Boy,</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thanks for getting in touch. Why would I think you’re a pathetic loser with the brain capacity of a terrestrial gastropod mollusc? You seem like a kind, intelligent person. By the way, your email is beautifully written. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I totally understand why you were offended by my letter, but I’m a bit confused as to why you felt the need to share your views on penises, homosexuals and violence with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don’t get me wrong, I reckon it’s great that you think all different penises are wonderful, and that you love men with really big muscles, but I don’t share those feelings. I’m more of a vagina and non-muscular female enthusiast. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">However, we do share the exact same views on violence. In fact, I’d go even further and say that people who send anonymous death threats over the internet are weak, bottom-feeding underachievers with a third-grade education and no future prospects whatsoever. So I’m really glad you’d never send one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, thanks again for your email. Did I mention how well written it was?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Cheers,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. I feel terrible that my letter upset you. As a peace offering, I made you a photo collage featuring penises of all shapes and sizes, and really muscular men. I hope this means we can be friends now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 10:49am</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: richwisken@hotmail.com</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Subject:</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> re: Hello J-Boy</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">fuck off i didnt write that it was changed. your the one that loves dicks ya fucken faget. go fuck ya self and ya gay cunt boy friend. haaahahaahha your a sad peice of shit. ya dont like pussy but ya are definately are a pussy. that photo of the dicks adn fagets is probly stuck up on ya bed room roof so ya can stare at it and wank it off. fuck off and die ya sad cunt.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 11:36am</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Subject:</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Your email has been intercepted</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, this email has also been flagged. Not to worry, I'm here to help. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have amended your email and sent it to richwisken@hotmail.com. Once again, the human recipient will have no knowledge of my involvement.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Automated regards,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">G-BOT 5000</span><br />
<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GVUO0ogg4LI/Va6ydhCkx7I/AAAAAAAAB5Q/4q2KZE7jOzM/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-07-19%2Bat%2B1.44.05%2Bpm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GVUO0ogg4LI/Va6ydhCkx7I/AAAAAAAAB5Q/4q2KZE7jOzM/s200/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-07-19%2Bat%2B1.44.05%2Bpm.png" width="149" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Amended email:</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Dear Rich,</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I just wanted to quickly thank you for the photo collage you kindly created for me. It was unexpected and very thoughtful. I just went to my local office supplies store to have it enlarged and printed. </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>The hardest part was deciding where to display it. After much thought, I settled on the wall above the cage in my man-fisting dungeon. Well, I call it a man-fisting dungeon, but I engage in many other homosexual acts in there. Some of my favourites include: The Alabama Hot Pocket, The Panamanian Petting Zoo, The Arabian Death Mask, and of course, the classic Cleveland Steamer.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Anyway, I hope you're well. You're more than welcome to come and visit anytime. </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Kind regards,</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>J-Boy</i></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8uisFGEYkx4/VasTPgFdAEI/AAAAAAAAB3s/MWrylYbYRvA/s1600/dungeon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="260" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8uisFGEYkx4/VasTPgFdAEI/AAAAAAAAB3s/MWrylYbYRvA/s400/dungeon.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>From: richwisken@hotmail.com</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 12:30pm</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Subject: re: Hello J-Boy</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hi J-Boy,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm glad you liked my photo collage, but I'm not sure why you're telling me about your sex life. The fact that you're a proud gay man is fantastic and I support that. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One thing that does concern me is your purpose-built dungeon dedicated to inserting your fist inside male bottoms. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Traditionally, a dungeon was used to hold people against their will. I hope that's not the case with you. Oh, and traditionally, fists aren't meant to penetrate the anus.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Thanks again for your email, but I'm not sure it's appropriate to share your depraved sexual fetishes with me. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cheers,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. Before you go, I want to share one of my favourite songs with you. Turn up the volume and click <a href="http://meatspin.com/">HERE</a>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Sunday 19 July 2015 4:25pm</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: grammarbot5000@gmail.com</b></span><br />
<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Subject: [no subject]</span></b><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">fucken bull shit ya change my email and dont do nothin when that cunt sends me a vid of 2 fagets fucken. fuck ya slef im done with this shit. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 4:32pm</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au</b></span><br />
<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Subject: Your email has been intercepted</span></b><br />
<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Automated regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">G-BOT 5000</span></div>
<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-71536538805388840242015-05-29T19:43:00.001+10:002015-05-31T22:53:30.224+10:00An Open Letter to Prime Minister Tony Abbott...<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Dear Prime Minister Tony Abbott,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
I just read an <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/abbott-government-cuts-university-support-funds-priests-training-20141205-120a3c"><span style="color: blue;">article</span></a> about how you want to cut funding to universities by 20% and spend more money training priests. Under your proposed higher education reforms:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"<i>Religious teaching, training and vocational institutes would be eligible for a share of $820 million in new Commonwealth funding over three years</i>". </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
I'm not sure how much it costs to educate a man of God, but $820 million sounds like quite a lot. Now, I know you guys are in a fair bit of debt at the moment, so I've come up with a solution to help you out. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
But before I get to that, have you thought about hitting up the Vatican for some cash? You know, the third largest property owner on the planet; the guys with an estimated $15 billion in the bank, an art collection worth approximately $17 billion, and vast reserves of untold wealth tied up in stocks, gold bullion, jewels and funny-looking hats.</span><br />
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ANMNjMNaezY/VWey1cFXvvI/AAAAAAAAB1s/dWWUKSY05R4/s1600/Money.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="436" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ANMNjMNaezY/VWey1cFXvvI/AAAAAAAAB1s/dWWUKSY05R4/s640/Money.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Actually, don't you think it's a little strange that the Catholic Church hoarded such an immense treasure trove of material possessions, especially since Jesus said: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- "<i>Foolish is storing treasure for self; not being rich toward God</i>".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- "<i>Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life does not consist of the abundance of the things that he possesses</i>".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- "<i>Go and sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me</i>".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- "<i>It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God</i>".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, back to how I'm going to save you $820 million, plus the $244 million you've already pledged to the school chaplaincy scheme.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Did you know that some people think there should be a separation of church and state? It's pretty much the essence of this thing called secularism. They reckon that your government shouldn't officially recognise or favour any religion. I know, weird.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
But don't worry about that, Tony. I've got your back. What if I told you I could train priests on your behalf and it wouldn't cost one single cent? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, today's your lucky day, because after much research and development, I've created a multiple choice test that comprehensively trains budding priests. There are only ten questions, and like I said, it's completely free.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1) God is:</b></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a) </b><i>An unjust, jealous, vindictive, barbaric, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, sadomasochistic,</i><i> infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, megalomaniacal, malevolent, man-made construct.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b)</b> <i>The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>2) Humans:</b></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a)</b> <i>Share a common ancestor with modern African apes.</i></span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b)</b> <i>Were made by God using some dust and a rib.</i></span> </blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3) Praying is:</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a) </b><i>A futile, time-wasting pursuit that comforts the person praying, but has never had a demonstrable impact on anything, ever.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b) </b><i>A direct line to God.</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>4) Thou shalt not:</b></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a) </b><i>Rape children.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b) </b><i>Take the Lord's name in vain. </i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">5) If one of your colleagues is sexually abusing a child, should you:</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a)</b> <i>Call the police immediately.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b)</b> <i>Help them cover it up.</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">6) If one baby is pulled out alive from the rubble of an earthquake, is it:</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a) </b><i>Because of the heroic work carried out by rescue teams.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b) </b><i>An act of God.</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">7) If five hundred other babies are crushed to death in the same earthquake, is it:</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a) </b><i>An act of God.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b)</b> <i>Because God works in mysterious ways.</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">8) If a homosexual couple asks you to officiate their wedding, do you:</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a)</b> <i>Happily oblige.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b)</b> <i>Projectile vomit, because gays are repulsive abominations.</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">9) Condoms are:</span></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a)</b> <i>A highly effective preventative measure against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b) </b><i>The devil.</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">10) Should women have the right to be ordained into the priesthood?</span></b><br />
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a) </b><i>Yes, of course.</i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>b) </b><i>BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!</i></span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">If the aspiring clergymen answer <i>'b'</i> to all questions, then they're fit to preach the word of God. But, if they answer any questions with <i>'a'</i>, then the blasphemous heathens will burn in the bowels of hell for eternity.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />See, it's a win-win. Firstly, you save $820 million, and secondly, evidence-based university degrees aren't hindered by the faith-based training of men who dedicate their entire lives to something for which there is no evidence. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Let me know what you think, Tony. If you want to get in touch, just reply to this letter, or tweet me <a href="https://twitter.com/RichWisken">@RichWisken</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Devout regards,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-70313820945051548122015-05-06T07:21:00.000+10:002015-05-06T07:21:10.953+10:00Buy my drums...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8oiwTDn5CH8/VUkztYrXCfI/AAAAAAAAB0A/rZNv7ywVf48/s1600/Drums%2Bpic.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /><img border="0" height="496" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8oiwTDn5CH8/VUkztYrXCfI/AAAAAAAAB0A/rZNv7ywVf48/s640/Drums%2Bpic.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Roland V-Drums: TD-9</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>PRICE: </b>$1,600</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>CONDITION:</b> Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Are you more unpopular than whiskey-cured bacon at an ISIS rally, uglier than the southern end of a northbound baboon, and more desperate than a D-grade contestant on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here? How would you like to wake up tomorrow morning a winner instead of a useless underachiever with no friends or future prospects?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, today’s your lucky day, because I’m giving you the power to turn your life around, you pathetic loser.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thanks to Sydney's exorbitant rental prices, the Federal Government’s proposed tax hike on cask wine, and my penchant for uncut Peruvian dancing dust, I'm being forced to sell my sweet set of Roland V-Drums… and possibly some non-vital organs on the black market.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But don’t worry about me. My loss, misery and downward spiral into deep depression, is your gain, happiness and increased ability to attract members of the opposite sex (or same sex).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seriously though, this drum kit is the answer to all your problems, unless your problems include being way too cool and sexy, in which case, prepare for them to get much worse.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Famous drummers that have never played this kit, include:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- John Bonham.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Ringo Starr.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Lars Ulrich.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Chad Smith.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Dave Grohl.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Carter Beauford.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Danny Carey.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Animal from The Muppets.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- The Little Drummer Boy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Justin Bieber (little drummer girl).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">…AND MANY MORE!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So, if you want to markedly improve your quality of life, hook-up with every Victoria’s Secret Angel (or the Magic Mike dudes), and be crowned Most Interesting Human of all Time, then this prodigious piece of percussive perfection is for you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>INCLUDED:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Mesh heads.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Double pedal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- ProMark American Hickory 5A sticks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- A licence to rock socks off.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- More cowbell.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- My tears.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>NOT INCLUDED:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Sick purple lightning bolts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Nintendo 64 console.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Thor’s hammer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Dragon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Life-size cardboard cutout of Harry Styles.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- Pyramid of pure Peruvian blow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">- My awesome Photoshop skillz.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>PRICE: $1,600.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">What’s that, you want to negotiate? Sure, I could do that. You know what else I could do? Find out where you live, steal your TV and take a dump in your letterbox. Just kidding, I’m always willing to negotiate… upwards.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Email: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet @RichWisken for more info.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-37091474432881877572015-05-03T19:06:00.003+10:002015-05-03T19:07:32.556+10:00Dear Hamilton Spectator...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After reading the article below, I decided to write to Richard Beks, Publisher of The Hamilton Spectator...</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Dear Richard Beks,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
I just read your opinion piece and to say that I’m disgusted is an understatement. Seldom do I read something that makes me feel physically ill; something so repugnant that makes my skin crawl and blood boil. I honestly can’t believe you published this atrocity. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Of course, I’m talking about the unsuitable use of the word 'merely'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
You wrote… </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
“<i>The former Hamilton teacher who in 2008 got 18 months gaol for merely touching an U16 girl’s breast and genitals in a private home in Brisbane some years earlier is a case in point</i>.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
The Cambridge Dictionary defines merely as an adverb, meaning: not large/important; used to emphasise that something is not large, important, or effective when compared to something else. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Are you saying that the molestation of an innocent young girl by her vile paedophile teacher was small and unimportant? As a lover of words, I find this erroneous use of the word merely highly offensive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
<u>Here are three examples of how to appropriately use merely in a sentence…</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
<i>- Jane’s teacher gave her guidance; he merely wanted to educate her.</i></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i><i>- The teacher's role was merely to make sure Jane completed her schoolwork.</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i><i>- Jane merely trusted her teacher implicitly. </i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u>Now, here are three examples of unsuitable use…</u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
<i>- Jane’s teacher merely groomed her to satisfy his own nefarious desires.</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i><i>- Jane's teacher merely used his position of power to sexually abuse her.</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span><i><span style="font-size: large;">- After using heroin to block out the tragic memories of her childhood, Jane merely committed suicide at age 17.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">
Anyway, I hope this helps. We all make mistakes. I’m sure the Hamilton Spectator isn’t merely a deplorable tabloid rag whose publisher is merely a reprehensible paedophile sympathiser.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Yours merely,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
<span style="color: red;"><i>A couple of days later, ABC Ballarat's published this...</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Richard's official apology came days later...</i></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jenTxP4cC0w/VUS7k2YVh6I/AAAAAAAABwI/k2q-OPA-gzg/s1600/BEKS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jenTxP4cC0w/VUS7k2YVh6I/AAAAAAAABwI/k2q-OPA-gzg/s1600/BEKS.jpg" height="512" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>I had some more questions...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dear Richard Beks,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thanks so much for apologising for recklessly abusing the English language. 'Merely' was indeed a poor word choice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just a couple of other things...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In your original article, when talking about an elderly paedophile priest, you say:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“<i>Sheahan got a nine-month suspended sentence as well. Not sure to what purpose. At 83 years of age, living in a nursing home and needing a walking frame to get about he’s obviously not going to re-offend.</i>”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Excellent point. Obviously the sweet old priest won't reoffend. I mean, as if any justice system would ever jail an elderly paedo...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You also mention that:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“<i>Child abuse, of course, is the <u>crime of the moment</u> with the ABC and SBS forever baying for blood - and courts often responding with confusing regard to the damage caused</i>.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You're right, child molestation is totes on trend. It must be the hipster of crimes, especially if those pesky, left-wing, child-protecting communists at the ABC and SBS are constantly reporting it, brah. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, one last little thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You said. ..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“<i>I’m not nominating him for a medal, however, something like this for the middle-age bachelor has the hallmarks of <u>misguided curiosity</u></i>.” And that, “<i>This was closer to a case of <u>appalling manners</u> than major crime</i>.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I was little, I used to love slurping McDonald's chocolate thick shakes. The louder the better. On several occasions, my mum would say I had 'appalling manners'. This scenario alone leads me to believe that digitally raping a young girl is perhaps more severe than loudly ingesting a delicious lactose-based beverage. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">One time, I threw my thick shake at one of the cars on my street. Mum wasn't happy when she found out, but I argued that my transgression was merely a case of 'misguided curiosity'. Again, words I probably wouldn't choose to describe a</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> middle-aged bachelor fingering an underage girl.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, thanks again for apologising for your gross misuse of the word 'merely'. Like I said, we all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from them. With that in mind, </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I sincerely hope that you, and the vile sex predators you were so lenient on, don't reoffend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Even more merely,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. I probably should've sent this to you as a PDF file... get it?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.P.S. I genuinely hope you don't think I'm part of the "<i>Vicious coordinated campaign of online vilification</i>" that you mentioned in your heartfelt apology. To show you I'm not, I sent you an album I thought you'd like as a peace offering: <i>Rolf Harris Sings for Survival</i>, which in hindsight is incredibly ironic. Enjoy!</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-11025210297646039852015-01-28T19:07:00.002+11:002015-03-14T19:19:06.094+11:00Creative Writing 101<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Today I participated in a one-day creative writing workshop. Upon arrival, we wrote our names and the suburb we live on a sticker and wore it for the remainder of the day. My fellow classmates were all female and mostly above the age of 60. To practice my creative writing skills, I documented my experience of the course in three short chapters.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>CHAPTER 1</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The first question came from Janine, an eager 60-something-year-old divorcée from Sylvania Waters. Despite an obvious penchant for Botox, her leathery, sun-damaged skin creases with curiosity. “<i>Will we be covering erotic fiction today?</i>" she asks. I immediately picture the plethora of sex toys she has stashed in all seventeen bedrooms of her garish McMansion. She looks uncomfortable in her chair; I’m guessing it’s anal bead-related.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My mind wanders off and I think to myself, "<i>Does having a wank while holding the Bible count as erotic fiction?</i>” The 60-something-year-old woman who’s running this creative writing workshop makes a Fifty Shades of Grey joke. The other 60-something-year-old women laugh out loud. I visualise ISIS kidnapping their loved ones. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This certainly isn’t what I had in mind when I enrolled in this one-day course. Hopefully it improves over the next five hours.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>CHAPTER 2</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you’ve ever heard a horse eating watermelon, or Rosie O’Donnell masturbating, then you know exactly what it sounds like when Vicki from Summer Hill eats pea and ham soup. Every so often, I have to remind myself that sitting next to me is an adult human being, not a bulldog with a deviated septum eating porridge. The Police’s, <i>Every Breath You Take</i> is playing on the café’s radio. Since her soup arrived five minutes ago, Vicki has taken three.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Margaret from Roseville and Dianne from Haberfield are talking about various cross-stitching techniques. I don’t know what cross-stitching is, but I do know that I’d rather have my testicles cross-stitched to a fire ant colony than listen to another second of their conversation. I also know that you always separate your embroidery floss into sections of two.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bring on the afternoon session.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>CHAPTER 3</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There was a palpable excitement in the air as we made our way back from lunch. </span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“</span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think it’s time you teach us all how to write the next Fifty Shades of Grey</i><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">”</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Janine from Sylvania Waters quipped, as she walked past our tutor. I honestly can't believe Janine is divorced; she’s so hilarious and interesting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our tutor writes two creative writing exercises on the whiteboard.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The idea is to complete both tasks in 15 minutes and read them out in front of our fellow classmates. Unfortunately the idea of presenting unsettled a few of the ladies. So after a vote, it was determined that we would hand our work to the tutor who would provide feedback via email. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">submitted the following...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Exercise 1:</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>Open the dictionary to a random page. Find a word that you don’t know how to define and write an imaginary definition for it. Repeat three times.</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Demantoid: </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>A person who thinks that the pinnacle of creative literature is Fifty Shades of Grey.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Mugwump:</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>A fully-grown member of the human species who is yet to master the basic task of eating soup.</i></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Waywiser:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Something I'm definitely not after completing this fucking woeful creative writing workshop.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Exercise 2:</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>Describe a first. It could be something like your first bike ride, first day of school or first kiss.</u></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>You won't believe it, but all of these things happened to me on the same day. The first time I ever rode a bike was to my first day of school. I had a wonderful day learning and playing with the other children. Oh how we laughed. When I returned home, the old man next door gave me my first kiss. He also fingered me.</i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I very much look forward to the tutor's feedback. I didn't want to use my real name to enrol, so I used a more creative one; the same one I wrote on my name sticker at the start of the workshop. Sadly none of the 60-something-year-old ladies commented on it.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Tutor's response:</span></b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-15226206873938627712014-12-26T20:42:00.000+11:002014-12-26T22:04:03.748+11:00Dear Telstra...<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;"><i><b>10th October 2014</b></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Dear Telstra,</span></span></span><br />
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Anyone who watches Game of Thrones knows that a Lannister always pays his debts. I also pay my debts, and usually on time, so you can imagine how upset I was to receive a $15 late fee for failing to promptly pay my monthly internet bill.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Out of all the Lannisters, I’d say I’m probably most like the Kingslayer, Jamie - courageous, devilishly handsome, and an exceptionally skilled lover. I guess the only difference between us is that I don't have a sister to have sex with. I have a brother, but I'm not attracted to him, because he has a penis and testicles. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">It's fair to say your customer </span>service<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> reputation hasn't been the best over the years. Some might even say you're the Joffrey Baratheon of the telecommunications industry. Not me though, I think you’re great. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for my mistake, and that even though my $80 bill was settled just days later without the intervention of a debt collector, a $15 fee is totally justified. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><br /></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So why did I forget to pay on time? Well, I'm a little embarrassed, but because I respect you so much, I'm going to be completely honest.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><br /></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">As you’re probably aware, nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence were leaked on 31st August - just one day before the payment of my bill</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> was due. I can't remember exactly what happened next, but it appears as though the hypnotic images sent me into a frenzied masturbatory rage. When I woke up 72 hours later, both my hands had completely seized up.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The radiologist and entire medical team at my local hospital hadn't seen anything like it before, but the affliction has since been identified as <i>J-Lawrius Masturbatitis. </i>I guess the whole episode was similar to my favourite Jennifer Lawrence movie, The Hunger Games, except I was the only competitor, and the enemy was my knob.</span><br />
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If you think that's bad, just imagine the state of my genitals. I'd show you, but I'm pretty sure it would breach the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. To get an idea of the carnage, you could either throw a handful of minced turkey on a land mine, or simply picture Freddy Krueger without his hat on.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">I wish I could've paid the bill on time, but my deformed digits prevented me from using a keyboard to pay online, or drive to the post office to pay in person. </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">I did manage chat to a member of your support team though, but was way too embarrassed to tell him about my condition. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">You won’t believe it, but without even asking why my payment was late, he said he'd waive the fee. Obviously I refused his offer, because I can think of nothing worse than dishonestly swindling my favourite company out of $15. It makes you wonder how many other people he's </span>fraudulently<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> letting off. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">By the way, his name is John. I think you should fire him.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Now that you know the truth about the overdue payment of my bill, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'd never ask to have my late fee waived on compassionate grounds, but it would be appreciated. I know people suffer much worse conditions than mine, so I totally understand if my severely clawed hands and blistered, cavernous genitalia doesn't warrant it. To me, the most important thing is that you now know that </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">one of your employees is effectively stealing from you, $15 at a time. </span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">If you find it in your heart to waive the fee, I promise to put the money towards the ongoing rehabilitation of my fine motor skills. After numerous physiotherapy sessions, I've only managed to regain dexterity in two fingers - just enough to type this letter.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Kind regards,</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>16th October 2014</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;"><i><b>17th October 2014</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">Hello Telstra,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thanks for getting back to me, but I'm a little bit confused by your response. Bullet point two states that you're unable to waive the current late fee, but bullet </span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">point three - the one directly below bullet point two - says you've agreed to do so by providing a $15 credit. C</span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">an you please confirm whether or not the fee still stands?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">If it doesn't, I'd like to thank you for being the first company in the world to officially recognise <i>J-Lawrius Masturbatitis</i> as a serious medical condition. The social stigma attached to it makes it difficult for sufferers like myself to live normal lives. Thankfully I'm now in remission, but everyday I live in fear knowing that I could relapse at any time.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Appreciative regards,</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">P.S. In case you were wondering, my hands are recovering nicely and my penis is much better. Fortunately it no longer resembles Freddy Krueger, but like a Sinaloan milk snake shedding its skin, it's still quite scabby and inflamed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>20th October 2014</b></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>15th November 2014</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hi again Telstra,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Thanks so much for waiving September's late payment fee, but I'm afraid I have some bad news.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">I forgot to pay October's bill on time and now I have another $15 late fee. However, this time</span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;"> I think it's more your fault than mine. </span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">You see,</span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;"> payment was due on October 31st. That's right, </span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Halloween</span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">. Why on earth would you set the due date on the most fun day of the year? </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">I usually love trick-or-treating, but this year was nothing short of catastrophic. To celebrate being cured of</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #323333;"> </span><i style="color: #323333;">J-Lawrius Masturbatitis</i><span style="color: #323333;">,</span></span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;"> I dressed up as my favourite Jennifer Lawrence character, Katniss Everdeen.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-krOmB4BSmrk/VEYWrmz4w7I/AAAAAAAABok/PO2Ken1khaA/s1600/image002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-krOmB4BSmrk/VEYWrmz4w7I/AAAAAAAABok/PO2Ken1khaA/s1600/image002.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I know, nailed it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, it turns out that I'm not even close to being cured. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Shortly after returning home from threatening my neighbours with a long bow in exchange for candy, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My incredible likeness to J-Law triggered an instantaneous relapse, and from what I'm told, I spent the next five days staring at my reflection whilst ferociously pummelling my weiner.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">I don't know how I ended up in hospital, but I'm glad I did, because my injuries were much more extensive this time.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HehElLVwers/VELeyrKckoI/AAAAAAAABnM/ctcg9QJAibM/s1600/casts%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HehElLVwers/VELeyrKckoI/AAAAAAAABnM/ctcg9QJAibM/s1600/casts%2B2.jpg" height="243" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As you can imagine, my severe wounds are preventing me from typing this letter. Thankfully, one of my helpful nurses - the same one who sponge bathes me - is typing it word-for-word whilst I dictate. </span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Usually I'd enjoy her caressing my sensitive nipples with a lathered sponge, but every time I'm sexually stimulated, an unbearable searing pain shoots through my splintered member.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Great, now she's looking at me like I'm a repulsive sex pest. Awkward.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: #323333;"><span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, I'd just like to thank you in advance for also waiving this late fee. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your compassion towards my medical situation.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Grateful regards,</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">P.S. After being in touch quite a bit lately, I feel like we're becoming friends. Would you like to sign my cast?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;"><br /></span><i><b><span style="font-size: large;">13th December 2014</span></b></i></span><br />
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<i><b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">17th December 2014</span></b></i><br />
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<span style="color: #323333; font-size: large;">Hi Telstra,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why don't you care about the sufferers of <i>J-Lawrius Masturbatitis </i>anymore? Have </span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0px;">I </span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">done</span><span style="color: #323333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0px;"> something to upset you?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #323333; letter-spacing: 0px;">The thought of us not being friends has kept me up for the past four nights. </span></span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">When </span><span style="color: #323333; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">you spend that many hours lying in bed awake, you think about all sorts of stuff - like the things you love and the things you hate.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So what do I love? The usual stuff: p</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">uppies, rainbows, and furiously masturbating to photographs of naked celebrities. And what do I hate? Mainly the violent deaths of mothers and their babies in war zones, the Ebola epidemic in West Africa, and people who say "</span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Time to get a watch</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">" when you ask them for the time.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #323333;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">I'm sure you're disgusted by the slaughter of civilians and the spread of deadly viruses as much as I am, so as a gesture of our </span>friendship, <span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">I decided to donate the $15 late fee - on your behalf - to my favourite humanitarian-aid organisation, </span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Médecins Sans Frontières.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">W</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">hy </span></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><i>Médecins Sans Frontières</i>? Well, m</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">ainly because I enjoy saying it in an exaggerated French accent so people think I'm worldly and interesting, but also because they're not religiously or politically motivated. They don't have a selfish agenda, so you always know exactly where the money's going. </span></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Something tells me not all organisations distribute charitable donations to where they're needed most...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">By the way, did you know that an Australian law firm is preparing a multi-million dollar class action against you regarding late payment fees? They claim that because the fees are technically penalties, you have absolutely no authority to enforce them. According to them, your only real defence is to prove that they're a genuine pre-estimate of the loss suffered by your company. </span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">It's almost like they're saying that a $15 fee on an $80 bill is not only grossly exorbitant, but against the law. I can't be certain, but it appears they think that any company that'd charge their own customers such a fee, must be run by a bunch of deplorable, </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">opportunistic, </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">bottom-feeding...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Of course, I completely disagree. I mean, without collecting $750 million in late fees over the past five years, how do those silly lawyers think you could afford to pay your CEO $33 million? Many people would think that's a disgustingly absurd amount of money. Not me though, I think he deserves every single cent - all three billion, three-hundred million of them. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Anyway,</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> I hope our joint donation to such a wonderful organisation has strengthened our relationship. Surely you agree they need the $15 more than we do. You do </span></span><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">hate deadly epidemics and the massacre of infants as much as I do, right?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Rich Wisken</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">P.S. I paid my bill early 10 times in the past 12 months, but you forgot to credit $15 to my account each time. Don't worry, we all make mistakes. The invoice below is just a friendly reminder. </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Please pay on time to avoid a late fee, and be sure to reference the invoice number when crediting my account.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; font-weight: bold;">Telstra's Reply:</span><br />
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<i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">19th December 2014</span></b></i><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">20th December 2014</span></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Hello Telstra,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">My apologies for assuming you'd be in favour of putting the $15 towards saving the lives of the world's most vulnerable. By the way, I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I haven't received the $150 in early payment credits yet. When should I expect it?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I'm more than happy to pay the late fee, but after everything we've been through recently, I don't think transferring the money to you is going to help mend our relationship. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">So </span></span><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">to clear the air, I decided we could do something much more fun. It's a little game I made up called,</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> </span><i style="line-height: 18px;">Telstra Treasure Hunt</i><span style="line-height: 18px;">.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">I divided the $15 into $5 lots and hid them around three of Sydney's most iconic locations - Bondi Beach, Hyde Park, and the Sydney Harbour Bridge. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Sorry about the small change. I did have more money, but I donated it to a worthy humanitarian-aid organisation, which you hated.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Anyway, using the red pins on Google Maps, I randomly plotted several points at each location. Under one of these completely randomly selected points, you'll find a $5 treasure bag. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">All you have to do is</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;"> s</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">uccessfully uncover the hidden treasure from all three locations and you win the <i>Telstra Treasure Hunt</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Hopefully you're as excited as I am. Treasure hunts are so much fun. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">If you'd like some clues along the way, you can tweet me</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span style="color: black;"><a href="https://twitter.com/RichWisken" style="line-height: 18px;">@RichWisken</a><span style="line-height: 18px;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">using the </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">#TelstraTreasureHunt</span><span style="line-height: 18px;"> hashtag. If you find the $15, I was wondering if you'd like to put it towards a movie ticket. The new Hunger Games film is out and I really don't think I should watch it alone.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Good luck,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Rich Wisken.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">P.S. Yes I'm serious.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">P.P.S. I hope you can scuba dive.</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-40324081957860216202014-07-13T20:39:00.000+10:002014-09-30T20:26:48.174+10:00Dear L'Oréal<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i>
<i>Cosmetics juggernaut, L'Oréal, recently signed 17-year-old Belgian beauty, Axelle Despiegalaere, after a photo of her at the World Cup went viral. </i><i>L'Oréal</i><i> released Axelle just days later, when an image emerged of her holding a gun whilst posing with a dead oryx gazelle. I've taken it upon myself to help Axelle get her job back - because she's super hot, and she might shoot me in the face with a high-powered rifle if I don't.</i></span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xQSlrUFaXOU/U8Hi_ySQxeI/AAAAAAAABaQ/R8mPlIjb-qg/s1600/axelle.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xQSlrUFaXOU/U8Hi_ySQxeI/AAAAAAAABaQ/R8mPlIjb-qg/s1600/axelle.png" height="400" width="291" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Dear </span></span>L'Oréal,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">I'm very upset about your decision to cut ties with Axelle just days after signing her. This unfortunate situation has deeply affected me, because I know exactly what it's like to handle a big weapon, and be really, really, ridiculously good-looking.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aUQj76qj7gs/U8HsfQGoaYI/AAAAAAAABas/tuDSclJl0E0/s1600/weapon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aUQj76qj7gs/U8HsfQGoaYI/AAAAAAAABas/tuDSclJl0E0/s1600/weapon.png" height="400" width="299" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">I believe e</span><span style="line-height: 18px;">veryone deserves a second chance, so I'm </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">writing to see if you could please make sure Axelle gets hers.</span><span style="line-height: 18px;"> People make mistakes, it happens all the time. To prove my point, I'd</span><span style="line-height: 18px;"> like to highlight a few of the 'mistakes' </span>you've<span style="line-height: 18px;"> made over the years, all of which seem to have been forgiven by your customers.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">Okay, let's start from the beginning...</span></span><br />
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L'Oréal's<span style="line-height: 18px;"> founder, Eugène Schueller,</span> was an anti-Semitic fascist and well-known Nazi sympathiser, which leads me to my first question - why did you choose '<i>Because you're worth it'</i> as your slogan, and not '<i>Heil </i><i>L'Oréal'</i>? Do you think <span style="line-height: 18px;">the</span> Führer would've made a fabulous brand ambassador?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I know what you're thinking, '</span><i style="line-height: 18px;">that was ages ago, we can't be held accountable for our founder being a complete asshole</i><span style="line-height: 18px;">'. I guess you're right, but would you say the same thing if your company continued to profit from Holocaust victims for over three decades? </span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">The reason I ask is because a Jewish family insists that their property - which was confiscated by the Nazis during WWII - was home to your German headquarters for over 30 years. </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Oh I forgot to mention, the original owners died in concentration camps. I know you didn't confiscate the land yourselves, but wouldn't returning it to its rightful owners be the ethical thing to do?</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">Moving on to 'mistake' number two... </span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">In 2008, you were accused of 'whitewashing' Beyoncé in one of your cosmetics ads. How were you supposed to know that people would notice the pale skin and strawberry-blonde hair? </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Is it fair to assume that the makeup artists on <i>White Chicks</i> also used </span>L'Oréal products? </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">'Mistake' number three...</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">In 2009, you were found guilty of racial discrimination, for barring black, Arab and Asian women from selling shampoo produced by <i>Garnier </i>- a company you own. A fax sent by one of your executives declared that Garnier hostesses should be '<i>BBR</i>' (<i>blue, blanc, rouge</i>) - widely recognised in the French recruitment world as code for French people born to white parents.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">Okay, that's enough racism and xenophobia. It's time to move on to the issue that cost Axelle</span> a future with your company. T<span style="line-height: 18px;">he poached elephant in the room </span>- animal rights.</span><br />
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It seems everyone on social media these days like to criticise those who slaughter defenceless, and often endangered animals for their own twisted amusement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seeing as though you fired Axelle for shooting a gazelle, I was under the impression that you must boast a stellar animal rights record. However, after <strike>many hours of research</strike> typing '<i>L'Oréal animal rights</i>' into Google, I found out that just isn't the case.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your website states: </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>L’Oréal no longer tests on animals any of its products or any of its ingredients, anywhere in the world. Nor does L’Oréal delegate this task to others</i>. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Wow, that's really awes... </span><span style="line-height: 19px;">HOLD ON A SECOND! What's this? </span></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">AN EXCEPTION COULD ONLY BE MADE IF REGULATORY AUTHORITIES DEMANDED IT FOR SAFETY OR REGULATORY PURPOSES.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you mean like the 'regulatory authorities' in China, where animal testing is mandatory for all new beauty products? Yes China, you know, the world's second largest economy; the place you just invested $843 million to expand your operations? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hello, are you there????</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I've decided that your little blurb on animal testing is slightly misleading, so I've made some amendments. Feel free to cut & paste it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The European Union won't let us <span style="line-height: 19px;"><i>pour or inject nasty chemicals on or into adorable little bunnies and cute little mice, but in China - where the words 'animal rights' are always followed by a question mark - we most definitely do. Yep, 100% of our products developed in China are tested on animals. Why? Because FUCK THEM IN THEIR STUPID, FURRY LITTLE ASSES, that's why!</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #464147;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all scientific animal testing. How could I be? Without it we wouldn't have <i>Mickey</i> or <i>Goofy</i>, and <i>Rafael Nadal</i> would still be an unknown capybara, instead of a 14-time Grand Slam tennis champion.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #464147; line-height: 20px;">Don't you think it's just a little bit absurd to maim and kill animals just so you can tell women that having longer, fatter lashes and fuller, redder lips makes them '<i>worth it</i>'.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #464147;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Anyway, I sincerely hope you'll consider re-hiring Axelle, because as I said before, we all make mistakes. Some of them - like supporting and collaborating with a regime that murdered six million Jews, discriminating on the basis of one's race, and exterminating helpless animals in the name of beauty - are much worse than others, but the important thing is that we learn from them.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #464147;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Have you learnt from yours, </span></span>L'Oréal?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;">Regards (even though you're not worth it),</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #464147;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #464147;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 20px;">Rich Wisken.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #464147;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">P.S. Is it true that Hitler is alive and living in Argentina? If so, can you please ask him who he's going for in the World Cup Final?</span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-14365882214912174172014-06-06T20:54:00.000+10:002014-11-15T08:36:20.920+11:00Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs, Part II<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i>
<i>Last year, I had a less than ideal experience at Colosseum Pizza & Ribs. I emailed to tell them about it, but they ignored me... so I wrote a complaint letter. Before reading this follow-up, be sure to read <a href="http://richwiskendrinks.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/colosseum-more-like-mausoleum.html">PART 1</a>, otherwise it won't make sense.</i></span><br />
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Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs,</span><br />
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Have you heard the expression, e<i>veryone deserves a second chance</i>? Well, I don't believe that's necessarily true. For example, here are some people who, in my opinion, are undeserving of a redemptive opportunity.</span><br />
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1) The owner of Colosseum Pizza and Ribs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs 'chef'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs employees.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">4) Anyone associated with Colosseum Pizza and Ribs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">5) Adolf Hitler.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">6) Joseph Stalin.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">7) Pol Pot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">8) Vlad the Impaler.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">9) That Kony guy.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">10) Justin Bieber</span><br />
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Have a look at this photo from your website.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now look at the remains of what I ordered from you the other night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bYU-qD61e7Q/U5EANveXc3I/AAAAAAAABWM/4g4UHdTICfw/s1600/photo-13.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bYU-qD61e7Q/U5EANveXc3I/AAAAAAAABWM/4g4UHdTICfw/s1600/photo-13.JPG" height="320" width="309" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not a forensic scientist, but I've watched enough CSI to know that there's a strong possibility those bones don't belong to the same creature as the one in your photo.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to using the magic of photography to make myself look more appealing. For instance, here's my Tinder profile pic.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-653VY_5sWFg/U5ECD3Bs6CI/AAAAAAAABWY/aQt2GyPMFGY/s1600/ck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-653VY_5sWFg/U5ECD3Bs6CI/AAAAAAAABWY/aQt2GyPMFGY/s1600/ck.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">...and here's my actual photo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0xXRmhZ2Q54/U5ECWomhKXI/AAAAAAAABWg/xjle6t3Afnk/s1600/haha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0xXRmhZ2Q54/U5ECWomhKXI/AAAAAAAABWg/xjle6t3Afnk/s1600/haha.jpg" height="320" width="242" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I guess the only difference is that I'm not charging people $39.95 for my goods or services. I'm sure we'd both agree that if I did, I'd be promising one thing, and delivering another. I suppose it's like promising a meaty rack of ribs, then delivering a sinewy mass of cartilage and bone. Just so you know, it was really cold that day.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you remember Maximus, the little sweatshop kid I adopted after my last Colosseum experience? Well, you wouldn't recognise him now. It's amazing how much kids grow when you feed them actual food, and not skerricks of flesh from the ribcage of an unidentifiable animal.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s1ghX6trgNI/U5EkiizQEAI/AAAAAAAABWw/FO8uD4HldgY/s1600/Max.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s1ghX6trgNI/U5EkiizQEAI/AAAAAAAABWw/FO8uD4HldgY/s1600/Max.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">His sewing skills are really improving too, so I can hook you up with some seriously cheap custom threads if you're interested. He loves working hard, and sometimes I think he doesn't even want that one hour off a week. I guess like any kid he can be a bit annoying at times. Since his growth spurt, he hasn't stopped bugging me for a new cage... I swear he thinks I'm made of barbed wire.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">OMG, I just had the best idea. Why don't I make the best of a bad situation and build his cage out of the ribs you sent me. Genius! With DIY ideas like that, do you think I should audition for <i>The Block?</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, please accept my apology and disregard this complaint letter. $39.95 is an absolute bargain for little Maxi's new enclosure. He's going to love it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I guess you did deserve a second chance after all.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken... and Maximus</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CTkeZfbP69M/U5E8qAb79EI/AAAAAAAABXM/ezoAKUF-T-w/s1600/cage.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CTkeZfbP69M/U5E8qAb79EI/AAAAAAAABXM/ezoAKUF-T-w/s1600/cage.png" height="400" width="338" /></span></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-65256869029059728922014-02-10T21:46:00.000+11:002014-09-30T20:28:33.290+10:00My Christian Mingle Dating Profile<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dear Christian Mingle,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As a fervent believer in the one true God, I assumed your internet dating site would be the ideal place for me to find my future wife. However, just four days after signing up, I received this email from you.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-naeBGhQNjWQ/Uvfu2OlbWUI/AAAAAAAABFo/Wlk5M1zj34A/s1600/Mingle+reply.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-naeBGhQNjWQ/Uvfu2OlbWUI/AAAAAAAABFo/Wlk5M1zj34A/s1600/Mingle+reply.jpeg" height="306" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;">"</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;"><i>Anything that can be considered defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive, sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal</i>".</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 21px;"><b>WTF, guys?! You just described the best parts of THE BIBLE!</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">God LOVES all that stuff, so </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">why on earth would you delete it from my profile? At this stage </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">I have to assume it was all just a big mistake. If that's the case, I forgive you.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 21px;">Seeing as my original profile is no longer available on your site, I'm going to publish it here so my potential future wife can still view it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oOCocicAkow/UvRUls-HCNI/AAAAAAAABFY/BqAiPMCN5bQ/s1600/Christian.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oOCocicAkow/UvRUls-HCNI/AAAAAAAABFY/BqAiPMCN5bQ/s1600/Christian.png" height="97" width="640" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Hi ladies (definitely not men)</i></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>My name's Rich, and I’m just a typical old school Christian dude. By old school, I mean Old Testament. Give me the wrath of God over the grace of God any day. Soft New Testament rubbish? Ain't nobody got time for that!</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">If you enjoy nothing more than kicking back with a copy of the good book and reminding yourself how much of a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner you are, then I'm the guy for you.</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Being a decent God-fearing Christian - who lives his life strictly in accordance with the Old Testament - I find it difficult to understand why I’ve had such difficulty finding a wife. I really don’t expect too much from the woman I own; just that she's a virgin, obeys my every command, and realises she's inferior to me in every way.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Anyway, if you'd like to get to know me a bit better, check out my Likes, Dislikes and Hobbies below:</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i>LIKES<span style="white-space: pre;">:</span></i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i><span style="white-space: pre;"><br /></span></i></b></span><i>Taylor Swift, </i><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>Walks on the beach, Romantic comedies, Poetry, Murder, Genocide, Floods, Droughts, Earthquakes, Plagues, Famine, Racism, Filicide, Disease, Ethnic cleansing, Really big wooden boats full of animals, Paedophilia, Homophobia, Misogyny, Torture, Smite, Infanticide, Sadomasochism, Contradictions, Genital mutilation, Capital punishment, Self-flagellation, Polygamy, Fire, Brimstone, Incest, Rape, Slavery</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>DISLIKES:</b></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br />
Harry Styles, Justin Bieber, Spicy food, <span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Condoms, </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Science, </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Gays, Shellfish, Mixing fabrics, Bacon, Tattoos, Trimming my hair/beard, Blasphemy </span></i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>HOBBIES:</b></span></span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><i>
Golf, Gardening, Bird watching, Tenpin bowling, Pilates, Stoning psychics to death, Murdering those who curseth thy mother and father, Killing those who worship other Gods, Human/animal sacrifice, Executing my neighbours for working on the Sabbath, Murdering homosexuals, disobedient children and babies</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br />
So ladies, like what you see? Do you t<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">hink I could be your special someone? If so, feel free to send me a message, but please, no Beliebers, Directioners, or New Testament time wasters.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">...Okay, after reading that again, I'm still struggling to understand why you found it to be unacceptable. Obviously I'm not the only one who feels this way, as I've already received a s</span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">mile</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> and an <i>email</i></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> from two eager temptresses</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">. Knowing that real Christian ladies still exist fills me with joy.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nPTCen9EyvA/Uvg1jI82jwI/AAAAAAAABHc/gawj-_8O8Vc/s1600/smile.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nPTCen9EyvA/Uvg1jI82jwI/AAAAAAAABHc/gawj-_8O8Vc/s1600/smile.png" height="210" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Below is a screenshot of my profile after you removed all the good stuff. I'm posting it to educate other confused <i>Minglers</i>, who like me, don't know what they can and can't </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">have in their profiles.</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OJFYiaWhLVg/UvgbFEXILBI/AAAAAAAABG8/x9MYWkUyEAw/s1600/Mingle+Profile.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OJFYiaWhLVg/UvgbFEXILBI/AAAAAAAABG8/x9MYWkUyEAw/s1600/Mingle+Profile.png" height="359" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Okay, so just to clarify, you're saying that it's definitely NOT okay to:</span></span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Like really big wooden boats full of animals, or the rest of the fun, violent stuff in the Bible.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">...but totally okay to:</span></div>
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<ul><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">
<li><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">View yourself as a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner.</span></li>
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<ul><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">
<li><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Own a woman - as long as she's a virgin who obeys your every command, and realises she's inferior to you in every way.</span></li>
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<ul><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">
<li>Dislike gays (all of them).</li>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Whilst misogyny and homophobia are all well and good, I'd like to remind you that if the word of God isn't followed to the letter, you'll burn in hell for eternity. Please Christian Mingle, no more cherry picking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Anyway, please ignore me if the editing of my profile was just an error on your part. If it was, I very much look forward to it being restored ASAP. If it was deliberate, I pray that you all die violent deaths for disobeying your creator.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Devout regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. Why did you also remove my profile photo?</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-83057436883636942552014-01-21T07:58:00.000+11:002014-09-30T20:28:57.061+10:00Dear Kogan Mobile...<div style="text-align: left;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Written in mid-2013, this was my very first complaint letter. For some reason it disappeared from my blog, so here it is again. </i><i>Kogan Mobile (now defunct) was owned by Ruslan Kogan, a Belarusian online retailer. When I moved back to Sydney from Perth, I signed up for a 6 GB/month mobile data plan. After just two months, I received this email:</i></span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--KsYKImtD84/UtXTE9AN1vI/AAAAAAAABEA/DY8Y13JAnzs/s1600/kogan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--KsYKImtD84/UtXTE9AN1vI/AAAAAAAABEA/DY8Y13JAnzs/s1600/kogan.jpg" height="538" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">Dear Bryan from Kogan Mobile,</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">You spell your name the same way as Bryan Adams. I hate that guy, but</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> that’s not important. I’m actually writing in response to </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">the email you sent, informing me that my pre-paid contract has </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">been terminated due to “</span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">unreasonable use</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">”. Let me share a story </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">from my childhood with you.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every Sunday when I was eight, I’d buy a choc top ice cream from Mr. Whippy. As soon I heard <i>Greensleeves</i>, I’d exuberantly sprint towards the pink and white van and exchange my money for an ice cream at an agreed price.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">On one occasion, I was enjoying my choc top, when the driver </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">jumped out of the van, yanked the ice cream from my hand and </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">declared that I could never purchase frozen dairy products from </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">him again. Apparently, eating the ice cream that I paid for was </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">considered “<i>unreasonable use</i>”. As you can imagine, I was very </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">upset. Nowadays, when I hear <i>Greensleeves</i>, I curl up into the </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">foetal position and shake like Michael J. Fox in an earthquake.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Guess what Bryan? That never happened. Imagine if it did though! Wouldn’t it just fucking suck to </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">pay for goods or services that are swiftly ripped from your </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">hands by a chubby, spectacle-wearing Belarusian dickhead? I know, what a coincidence, the driver in my fictional narrative hails from the same country as your boss.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">When I first read the term “u<i>nreasonable use</i>”, I immediately </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">assumed it related to the extraordinary number of pornographic </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">websites I frequent. </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Have you visited lemonparty.org, or are you more of a meatspin.com </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">kind of guy? </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Anyway, when I read that it had </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">nothing to do with my superhuman porn compulsion, but because I </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">used the 6GB of data allocated to me, which I paid for; you can </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">imagine that I was just as upset as when the arrogant, piece of </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">shit Mr. Whippy from Belarus destroyed my imaginary childhood. In </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">case you were wondering, the driver’s name is Ruslan.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I understand there are terms and conditions, but here’s an idea </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">for you. How about when you advertise your 6GB/month data plan, </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">you write in big, bold letters next to it: <b>“</b></span><b><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">If you actually use </i><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">the 6GB in the stated period, we’ll terminate your contract and </i><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">send you a boring, generic email from a guy named Bryan</i></b><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b>”</b>. You’re </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">welcome to use my idea free of charge.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Thanks for reading Bryan, I would call, but last time I rang Kogan </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">I was on hold for half an hour before the line went dead. This </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">happened twice in the same day. The upside to this is that I now </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">know all the lyrics to <i>Hall & Oates’, </i></span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Maneater</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> - a very apt on-hold song choice for your company. When you decide to change your tune, I recommend the song <i>Asshole</i>, by <i>Dennis Leary</i>. Again, you’re </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">welcome to use my idea free of charge.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Who knows Bryan, perhaps one day we could put this all behind us. </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Maybe we could go to the movies or something. <i>Iron Man 3</i> is </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">supposed to be really good, but I just hope we won’t be thrown out </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">halfway through for watching an “</span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">unreasonable</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">” amount.</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">Oh, and no choc tops...</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">No regards,</span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-67874720467905395162014-01-10T20:11:00.001+11:002014-09-30T20:29:52.971+10:00Master of Puppets...<div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A new Twitter follower of mine (<a href="https://twitter.com/johnjjh86">@johnjjh86</a>), recently heard that I was forced to give up my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. Such was his concern for my welfare, he sent me a link to a volunteer position he thought I might enjoy.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He was right...</span></i><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Dear Pastor Coghlan and Caroline Harrington,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As a long time fan of <i>The Muppets</i> and brainwashing children, I think your puppet idea is fantastic. Apart from the Hitler Youth, I truly can’t think of a better way of indoctrinating the young, so kudos to both of you. Perhaps you should share your idea with the Catholic Church. I've heard their priests are always looking for new ways of "<i>spreading the gospel</i>" to children...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Unfortunately, I don’t have any traditional puppetry experience, but I am a huge fan of the Australian stage show, <i><a href="http://www.puppetryofthepenis.com/">Puppetry of the Penis</a></i>. Have you heard of it? It involves two guys performing genital origami for a large audience. I know, awesome! Some of my favourites include: the <i>Wristwatch</i>, <i>Atomic Mushroom</i> and the</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> <i>Loch Ness Monster</i>, but my all-time favourite is the </span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Windsurfer</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hopefully if I practice enough, mine will start to look less like a windsurfer and more like an America's Cup yacht. We can all dream. Hey, if I get the job, maybe we could all go sailing together.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm trying to think of more cool puppet-related stuff to talk about, so I can prove how much I want this position. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, I don't really like Metallica's, <i>Master of Puppets,</i> because they probably worship Satan, but I do love <i>NSYNC</i>'s, <i>No Strings Attached</i>. What's your favourite <i>NSYNC</i> song? Mine's probably, <i>Bye Bye Bye.</i> If you want, we can play with my collectable <i>NSYNC </i>marionettes. I've got the full set, but don't worry, I can leave Lance Bass at home... because he's gay, and God probably hates him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Speaking of gay puppets, what are your thoughts on those two godless homosexuals, Bert and Ernie. I've heard people say that they subliminally coax our children into an immoral lifestyle. Do you guys think homosexuality is immoral? Just look at them sitting there in a loving embrace, not bothering anyone with their feelings for each other. Sinners!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, I'm sure you must be inundated with applications, so I'm going to pray every night that you choose me. I'm just hoping that God doesn't ignore me, like all those people who pray for an end to poverty, famine, war, AIDS... and all that silly stuff.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, gotta go! Sorry guys, but Sesame Street just started and I really feel the need to <i>tickle Elmo.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Bye Bye Bye</i> for now,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-27883054749669523332014-01-03T18:47:00.001+11:002014-09-30T20:31:01.973+10:00Dear Bern...<div style="color: #1e2f3a;">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bern Morley, a blogger for <i>Australia's largest female blog</i>, wrote an article about my Jetstar complaint letter. <a href="http://www.mamamia.com.au/news/jetstar-complaint-letter/">CLICK HERE</a> to read it, then scroll down to view my response.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">Dear Bern,</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I thoroughly enjoyed your article and think it’s great that we can have this discussion. Just a few things...</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">When you write, “<i>Believe me when I say, I am cherry picking the least offensive parts of this story right now</i>”, I think it's important to note that </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">what you find offensive may not offend others. Comedian, Ricky Gervais once said, “</span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Offence is taken, not given</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">”, and, “</span><i style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Just because you're offended, it doesn't mean you're right</i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">”. </span>Perhaps it's best to let your readers make up their own minds about what they find offensive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">I bet more than a few Christians are offended by the above photo, but who cares? If your readers find my letter offensive, so be it, I'm OK with that. Some things offend me, like Jennifer Aniston movies and men who wear these pants.</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r2rC6p9vOUs/UsZOckppcwI/AAAAAAAABBo/Ia9-pmIHhbQ/s1600/biebs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r2rC6p9vOUs/UsZOckppcwI/AAAAAAAABBo/Ia9-pmIHhbQ/s400/biebs.png" height="400" width="393" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #1e2f3a; letter-spacing: 0px;">I have no doubt that many people would also be EXTREMELY offended by you publishing their photo on a popular website and calling them a: “</span><i style="color: #1e2f3a; letter-spacing: 0px;">Jerk, arse, arsehole and a mean coward</i><span style="color: #1e2f3a;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">”. Who knows, perhaps some would even consider it bullying. I suppose it’s lucky that your opinion of me is none of my business. The important thing is that you get to express it freely. For future reference, calling someone both an <i>arse</i> and an <i>arsehole</i> is </span>unnecessary, as the <i>arse</i> incorporates both the cheeks and the hole.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I highly doubt that Jetstar have a “<i>Jerk register</i>”, but if they do, I guess I’m not on it, as they reimbursed the $25 emergency seat fee and gave me a $100 voucher for the two flight cancellations. If such a register does exist and I'm at the top of it, then that means Jetstar hold jerks in a higher regard than the customers they actually like. Come to think of it, <i>Jerkstar</i> has a nice ring to it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Considering that we’ve followed each other on Twitter for quite some time, perhaps it would've been better to directly tweet to me @RichWisken, instead of subtweeting this:</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3-33_8NCEic/UsZKVu2AfLI/AAAAAAAABBI/P5GDuwCDwsw/s1600/Bern.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3-33_8NCEic/UsZKVu2AfLI/AAAAAAAABBI/P5GDuwCDwsw/s1600/Bern.png" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Whilst I </span>appreciate a good Seinfeld reference, I would've<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> responded in a much more timely fashion if you actually sent the article to me. </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Anyway, t</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">hanks for saying that I have a great writing style, and that you thought I was cool and funny, but again, your opinion of me is none of my business.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">If you choose to publish my response, please do so in its entirety.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Maybe</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> some people just need to lighten up...</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. Thanks for publishing the photo of me with the dog. I'm glad everyone now knows that I really, really love animals.</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-39202782663914107032013-12-03T20:11:00.002+11:002015-05-30T16:06:58.278+10:00Dear Jetstar...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Dear Jetstar,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /><span id="goog_191274961"></span><span id="goog_191274962"></span>
Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. <i>What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man</i>? No idea? How about, <i>what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute</i>? Still nothing? Right, one more try. <i>What's fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight</i>? That's right, it's the man I sat <strike>next to</strike> under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - <i>Eau No</i>. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a <i>127 Hours</i>-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: <i>Chatty 1</i>, <i>Chatty 2</i> and <i>Giggly</i> (I've given them all the same surname - <i>Couldnotgiveashit</i>). After my request, <i>Chatty 1</i> and <i>Chatty 2</i> continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and <i>Giggly, w</i>ell, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which <i>Giggly</i> responded, "<i>hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe</i>". I think <i>Giggly</i> may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.</span></span><br />
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I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the <i>Couldnot</i><i>giveashit</i> triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "<i>crew only</i>" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume <i>Giggly</i> let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.</span><br />
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Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat. </span><br />
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I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming <i>Air Guitar World Champion</i>. If that occurs, you will pay.</span><br />
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To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at: <a href="https://twitter.com/RichWisken">@RichWisken</a></span><br />
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No regards,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Rich Wisken.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>* <i>UPDATE</i> *</b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Two days after my Fatstar experience, I was due to fly from Sydney to Melbourne. However, my flight was cancelled due to "engineering requirements". I was scheduled to fly the next day, but that flight was also cancelled. On the third day, my flight was delayed by two hours. I received this email from Jetstar and wrote my reply on their Facebook wall. Unfortunately they deleted it after it garnered 200 likes in a couple of hours.</i></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JVxr8a1f-uI/UqQzIa3o_hI/AAAAAAAABAI/t4mFFzEGN7Y/s1600/Screen+shot+2013-12-08+at+7.49.50+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JVxr8a1f-uI/UqQzIa3o_hI/AAAAAAAABAI/t4mFFzEGN7Y/s1600/Screen+shot+2013-12-08+at+7.49.50+PM.png" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Awesome work, Jetstar!</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">Two of my flights in the past two days have been cancelled. You're so lucky that my favourite pastime is wasting both time and money getting to and from airports. Imagine how annoyed someone who doesn't LOVE wasting time and money would feel about this situation. Man, I'd hate to be that guy...</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px;">Whilst I appreciate your email and the $100 Jetstar voucher you gave me as a, "</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; line-height: 18px;">gesture of good will", I can’t help but wonder who “good will” is. Are you talking about the two-time Oscar winning film, Good Will Hunting? That’s a great movie, but I don’t understand what it has to do with my flight cancellations and subsequent voucher. Perhaps you meant “goodwill”, that’d make more sense. Maybe you should spend my $100 voucher on employing a competent copywriter with an elementary grasp of the English language.<br /><br />Have you seen Good Will Hunting? Robin Williams was great, but Matt Damon really stole the show. My favourite scene takes place in a bar. I don’t want to ruin it for you in case you haven’t seen it, but basically, some preppy douchebag gets schooled by Matt Damon for embarrassing his lover, Ben Affleck.<br /><br />If you have seen it, then you’ll understand this reference.<br /><br />Me: “Do you like apples”?<br /><br />You: “Yes”.<br /><br />Me: “Well, I’m never flying with Jetstar again... HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!”<br /><br />No regards,<br /><br />Rich Wisken.<br /><br />P.S. If you're wondering what Matt Damon is calculating on the blackboard, it’s how much Jetstar sucks.<br /><br />P.P.S. MAAAAAAAAATT DAAAAAAAAAAAMON!</span></span><br />
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<b style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">* <i>UPDATE </i>*</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>Jetstar refunded the $25 emergency seat fee, and said:</b></i></span><br />
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<i>"Jetstar does not have a specific policy in place for customers who may be considered a
person of size, however all customers must be able to safely take their seat to travel
with us. Customers do have the option of choosing to purchase an additional seat for
their comfort. We also publish seat specifications on our website for reference."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;"><b>* Click</b></span> <a href="http://richwiskendrinks.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dear-bern.html"><b>HERE</b></a> <span style="color: red;"><b>for more Jetstar fun *</b></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-41779634109621262442013-11-28T19:15:00.000+11:002014-09-30T20:32:20.713+10:00Château de Ménai<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>A friend of mine has asked me to review the wine he made in his dad's garage in Menai, NSW. Apart from watching an instructional Youtube video, he has no winemaking experience whatsoever. My sample arrived in the mail today, so here goes...</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Variety:</b> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Crimson Seedless (hand-harvested from the discount bin at Menai IGA Supermarket)</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Technical Information:</b> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Crushed by hand</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Inoculated with baker's yeast</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">"S</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">hitloads" of sodium metabisulphite added</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Sugar added</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Lime leaves added (<i>yes, lime leaves</i>)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- No fining or filtration</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Bottled in James Squire stubbies</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Tasting Note:</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The wine's colour resembles Charlie Sheen's urine on a Monday morning, or perhaps the discharge from a leaky anus on Embarrassing Bodies. Not only is the colour somewhat off-putting, but the haze makes me think that Stifler was the assistant winemaker.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The aroma? A heady mix of sulphur dioxide and the pungent scalp cheese found under Whoopi Goldberg's dreadlocks... probably. </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's taken me approximately three hours and five rum and Cokes to summon the courage to taste this formidable fluid. The only way I could be more afraid of a liquid, was if I was diving after Greg Louganis at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It tastes very much like a refreshing glass of Ribena, which is great, because the extreme </span></span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;">SO</span><sub style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;">2</sub><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> level is causing severe respiratory </span>irritation, swelling around my eyes and hive-like rashes to break out on my face. The blackcurrant flavour takes me back to my childhood, which helps ease the thought of my impending death by pulmonary edema.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;">Thankfully I survived this experience, and as they say, "<i>what doesn't kill you makes you stronger</i>". I wonder if that saying also applies to my friend, after I bludgeon him to within an inch of his life with an empty James Squire stubbie for making me drink this offensive <i>vin ordinaire</i>. </span></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-78475999213035138432013-11-05T18:47:00.000+11:002014-09-30T20:33:05.462+10:00Fleetwood Flaps<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Kylie Lang</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Editor: QWeekend </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Courier-Mail, Brisbane</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #f8f8f5; box-sizing: content-box; color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;"><a href="mailto:kylie.lang@news.com.au" style="background-color: #f8f8f5; box-sizing: content-box; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" title="">kylie.lang@news.com.au</a></span><br />
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Dear Kylie,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
On the morning of Saturday 2nd November, I was standing in line at a Brisbane newsagency to purchase The Courier-Mail. Being from Sydney, I don't often get a chance to read this newspaper, that's okay though, because I get my fair and balanced news from another News Corp publication - The Daily Telegraph.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Eventually, I made it to the front of the line, where I saw a copy of the QWeekend magazine weighed down by some coins on the shop counter. To say I was disgusted is an understatement. I quickly took a photo of the front cover, dropped my Courier-Mail on the floor, and swiftly exited the newsagency.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Firstly, can you please explain why you chose to publish a photo of Stevie Nicks' 65 year old vagina on the cover of your magazine? Secondly, don't you think that naming the piece, <i>The 40 Year Itch</i>, is equally as crude? Of course I didn't read the salacious article, but I'm assuming it's about Fleetwood Mac cancelling their upcoming tour due to Stevie's vaginal discomfort. </span><br />
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As this was my first experience with QWeekend, I decided to visit your website to see if this kind of filth is common. The excerpt below is taken directly from the site:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well you've certainly taken a "<i>different look</i>" at Stevie Nicks and her "<i>issues</i>". Her snatch sure is a "<i>surprising place</i>", and yes, it definitely took me "<i>out of my comfort zone</i>".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm writing this letter because I was traumatised by your vulgarity. I'm not married, so this is the first time I've ever seen a vagina. I guess it's not as bad as I imagined, but it's not good either. To be honest, I thought Stevie's would look more like the aftermath of a grenade explosion in a butcher's shop.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I hate to think what your overlord Rupert would think of this smut being published in one of his reputable newspapers. Anyway, all I'm after is a simple apology. I understand that itchy vaginas are a part of a woman's life, but surely it's not suitable to print images of them on the cover of a statewide publication.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. Is she wrapped in a dead ostrich?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>Kylie's reply:</b></i></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-71434526881862727252013-10-18T20:28:00.001+11:002015-10-18T08:05:15.217+11:00A Letter to the CEO of Winnebago Motorhomes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zixm0CIlmGU/UmDlIQvGhhI/AAAAAAAAA5I/dWSagGXe-9w/s1600/Rich+Wisken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">18 October 2013</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Randy J. Potts, </i><i>CEO</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Winnebago Industries</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>605 West Crystal Lake Road</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Forest City, IA 50436</i></span><br />
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Dear Randy,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My associate and I have recently become interested in spending more time in the great outdoors. It's common knowledge that Winnebago Industries manufacture the finest motorhomes on the market, so naturally we're contacting you first. I read somewhere that you customise interiors to suit the individual needs of your clientele. With that in mind, we'd like to make a few alterations to the <i><a href="http://www.gowinnebago.com/products/2013/adventurer/">Adventurer</a></i> model.</span><br />
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We don't have a need for any of the luxuries included in this particular recreational vehicle, but we do require the space. Approximately how long would it take to completely strip the interior and install the items on the list below?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Please be assured that money is NOT an issue. An expeditious response is greatly appreciated, as my colleague and I are very keen to engage in typical outdoor pursuits as soon as possible. I'll be in touch if I think of any other necessary camping equipment to add to the list. I hope my instructions are crystal clear.</span><br />
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Sincerely,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">P.S. Do you happen to know where I can get my hands on approximately 1000 boxes of Sudafed? My sinuses are shocking this time of year, and the last thing I need is to be stranded in the wilderness without any relief.</span></div>
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<i style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">Hi there,</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Congrats on being shortlisted in the Blogster awards in the Lifestyle category. </i><i style="background-color: white;">At Inside Out Magazine, we'd like to support this with some online coverage.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>If you're happy to take part, could you </i><b><i>please email through 3 lines describing your blog, plus 3 images to share with our readers on social media</i></b><i>. </i><i><b>Our readers have a massive soft spot for interiors, decorating and homewares, so if you have pictures that tick those boxes, that would be great. </b></i><i style="background-color: white;">Please send these details through in an email with "Blogster Awards" in the subject header. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>All the best,</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Lee Tran</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hello Lee,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Naturally I'm over the moon to be a finalist in the <i>Blogster Awards</i>. However, I'm not convinced that my blog belongs in the "Lifestyle" category. The word "L<i>ifestyle</i>" reminds me of when my religious education teacher told our class that homosexuality was a sin, and a "L<i>ifestyle</i>" choice. He would say that though, seeing as he worships an <span style="background-color: white;">invisible,</span><span style="background-color: white;"> homo-hating sky fairy. </span><span style="background-color: white;">Come to think of it, </span><i style="background-color: white;">Inside Out</i><span style="background-color: white;"> would be an excellent name for a gay porn magazine...</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u1raK77pWow/UjzXGMl-pHI/AAAAAAAAAzo/PzQ_bNofEBk/s1600/Inside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u1raK77pWow/UjzXGMl-pHI/AAAAAAAAAzo/PzQ_bNofEBk/s400/Inside.jpg" height="400" width="260" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately I don't know much about <i>interiors</i>, <i>decoration</i>, or <i>homewares</i>. In all honesty, I'd rather teabag an active volcano than watch ONE episode of <i>The Block</i>. That being said, I know what I like. The three images I've chosen really depict my sense of style, I hope they strike a chord with your readership.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Interiors</span></i></b></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HHgZHMMd1Zc/UjzYBFKObMI/AAAAAAAAAz0/E9RvoXoFPRw/s1600/TheBathroomSAW1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HHgZHMMd1Zc/UjzYBFKObMI/AAAAAAAAAz0/E9RvoXoFPRw/s640/TheBathroomSAW1.png" height="344" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 21px;">This is my ensuite bathroom (mid-renovation). I suppose I'm aiming to create a minimal/industrial atmosphere. The </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">fluorescent tube lights and</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;"> white tiles really open up the room, while the factory fittings and copper pipes add to the overall </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">industrial vibe.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Decoration</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ypDt07z-uqo/Ujzb_AErP5I/AAAAAAAAA0A/Y-oJUz-ZopU/s1600/penis+cake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ypDt07z-uqo/Ujzb_AErP5I/AAAAAAAAA0A/Y-oJUz-ZopU/s400/penis+cake.jpg" height="400" width="345" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I fancy myself as a bit of an amateur cake decorator. As you can see, the icing isn't as smooth as it should be, nor my penmanship as fluid. I hope your readers appreciate my hilarious play on the word <i>happiness</i>. Remember Lee, you can't spell <i>happiness</i> without <i>penis</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Homewares</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I picked up this stunning vase in Amsterdam. Have you ever visited the Dutch capital, Lee? The place is full of vase enthusiasts. The man who sold me this one smelled funny and ate lots of cookies. His was the first homewares store I've been to that also sells mushrooms. I know, weird... </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, I hope your readers can relate to my style, because I'd very much appreciate their vote. Oh yeah, I forgot the <i>three lines describing my blog</i>. I'm guessing you mean lines from songs or movies, right? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">1) "Fun, fun, fun, fun<span style="background-color: white;">" - Rebecca Black (<i>Friday</i>)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2) "T<i>oo sexy for my cat</i>" - Right Said Fred (<i>I'm Too Sexy</i>)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3) "YESSSSSSS<i>, FUCK, OOOOHHHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHH</i>!" - Debbie Does Dallas</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Designer regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-63230640844646753182013-09-19T19:45:00.000+10:002014-09-30T20:38:24.689+10:00FOR SALE: 2005 Peugeot 206 CC<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-size: large;">A friend of mine from high school has asked if I could write an ad to sell her car. Since my <a href="http://richwiskendrinks.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/the-wild-stallion.html">Brumby ad</a>, I've had over 400 requests from people asking me to do the same for them. I tell all of these people exactly the same thing, "Fuck off and leave me alone". However, this particular young lady is a great person and a lifelong friend, so it was a no-brainer for me to help her out. I've been given total creative control. Hopefully she isn't disappointed...</span></i></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PBoBDfESJfQ/UjldtONIqPI/AAAAAAAAAyE/nBc50BXogNk/s1600/ASH.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PBoBDfESJfQ/UjldtONIqPI/AAAAAAAAAyE/nBc50BXogNk/s640/ASH.JPG" height="262" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">FOR SALE</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2005 Peugeot 206 CC</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">(1 Female Owner)</span></i></b></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Are you having trouble finding someone to satisfy your depraved sexual desires? Don't worry, so was I. That was until I purchased this 2005 Peugeot 206 CC. I can't be 100% certain, but I'm fairly sure that <i>CC</i> stands for <i>Cock Collector</i>. Why? Because ever since I bought this baby, I’ve been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. In fact, by the end of the first week, I was walking like a newborn giraffe with polio.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KqaLT7EgEho/Ujle6MviG5I/AAAAAAAAAyQ/-sZ5dA7ZJ3U/s1600/giraffe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KqaLT7EgEho/Ujle6MviG5I/AAAAAAAAAyQ/-sZ5dA7ZJ3U/s400/giraffe.jpg" height="331" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being a French company, Peugeot ensure that <i>filthiness</i> is a stock standard feature in all of their vehicles. If you're the lucky new owner of this cock-rocket, thousands of men with big helmets will try to invade you, and just like the French - you'll surrender. That's right, in no time at all you'll have more humps than Gérard Depardieu's nose. <i>Vive La France</i>!</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ufEbKvr9XHo/UjpgCanCnOI/AAAAAAAAAzI/qfV0_DAXTRE/s1600/dep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ufEbKvr9XHo/UjpgCanCnOI/AAAAAAAAAzI/qfV0_DAXTRE/s400/dep.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So why am I selling such a valuable asset? Well, I knew it was time to reassess my priorities after my vajayjay won a Grand Canyon lookalike competition. I’ve decided to start a new life at the Vatican, spending the next few decades under a vow a celibacy. Hopefully after this period of rehabilitation, my lady bits will no longer look like two elephant seals in a passionate embrace.</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2KXze6z6GIY/UjpMmrxnasI/AAAAAAAAAyk/W3s7S4Tsxaw/s1600/elephant+seals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2KXze6z6GIY/UjpMmrxnasI/AAAAAAAAAyk/W3s7S4Tsxaw/s400/elephant+seals.jpg" height="257" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not only is this weiner-wagon registered until October 2013, it also holds a valid NSW brothel licence (a government requirement due to the amount of <i>sexy times</i> that's taken place inside her). As the new owner, I'd recommend giving the seats a good high-pressure hosing, as the upholstery currently resembles Jackson Pollock's, <i>Blue Poles</i>. One thing I wouldn't recommend, is shining a UV light over the interior, unless of course you want to recreate a scene from CSI.</span><br />
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<b>Features:</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Automatic air con/climate control (coz' i<i>t's hotter than a one of Nelly's house parties</i>)</span><br />
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Extra powerful windscreen wipers (<i>for more viscous fluids</i>)</span><br />
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Manual transmission (<i>grip that shaft, girlfriend</i>)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Leather steering wheel (<i>just like my gimp suit</i>)</span><br />
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Dual airbags (<i>yes, the car too</i>)</span><br />
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<b>Price: $9,750</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">*<i>Free Vengaboys Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom CD single</i>*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you think you're woman (or gay male) enough to handle this one-eyed monster magnet, email me at <i><span style="color: blue;">cockcollector@hotmail.com</span></i>. No time-wasters! Only serious phallus fiends need apply.</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-56739851579151971122013-09-16T18:29:00.000+10:002014-12-02T21:28:17.007+11:00KFC Zinger Pie Review: Part II<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">Hello KFC,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><a href="http://richwiskendrinks.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/kfc-zinger-pie-review.html">My first Zinger Pie review</a> may have seemed somewhat harsh, but please don't take it the wrong way. I think you've been doing a stellar job assisting Australia's Type 2 diabetes epidemic. However, smothering shredded </span>factory-farmed chicken<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> in fatty afterbirth, then baking it into an insipid pastry sarcophagus just seems a little careless. Frankly, I think we deserve better. </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Did you know that Australia is ONLY the fifth fattest nation on Earth? I know, really embarrassing. While I truly appreciate your efforts to get us to the top of the list, I just don't think the Zinger Pie has what it takes to get us there...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; letter-spacing: 0px;">Just have a look at it. Personally, I think your food stylist should've gone to Specsavers, unless of course, they were going for the "weeping vagina on a poster in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic" look. Honestly, if someone asked me to draw Paris Hilton's vulva, It'd look eerily similar to this, but with more rust-coloured discharge... and more penises in it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>I'm guessing that the product development team in charge of this monstrosity, consisted of two stoners debating which foodstuff most effectively tames the munchies - pies or KFC. As fast-food pioneers, surely you can come up with better ideas than this. I mean, it's not exactly groundbreaking is it? It's just a pie, that seems to have somehow contracted the Ebola virus. What happened to the innovative concepts, like serving 21 pieces of fried chicken in a bucket, and the Double Down, or as I like the call it, the "FUCK YOU INSULIN!" burger.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Come to think of it, my portrait of Paris' genitals would probably look more like this one. I bet she's had a few "Double Downs", know what I'm saying? Anyway, sorry for jabbering on all this time.<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> What was it that you wanted to chat about?</span></span></div>
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Cheers,</span><br />
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Rich Wisken.</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-65355173636036516422013-09-12T20:16:00.002+10:002014-09-30T20:42:36.282+10:00KFC Zinger Pie Review: Part I<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Dear KFC,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Imagine that I've been stranded on an uninhabited island in the South Pacific for a very long time. Then one day, one of your Zinger pies falls from the sky into my malnourished hands. Do I:</span><br />
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A) Eat it</span><br />
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B) Give it to my best friend, Wilson</span><br />
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C) Stick a coconut up my bum</span><br />
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D) None of the above</span><br />
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If you answered <i>A</i>, you clearly haven't consumed one of your own Zinger pies. If you had, you'd know that it's physically impossible to let that pastry-encased abomination pass your lips a second time, no matter how famished you are. That must mean the answer is <i>B</i> then, right? Wrong. Presenting this inedible atrocity to my best mate, even if he is just a personified volleyball, is a terrible idea. Wilson would probably tell me to go fuck myself, which would cause a friendship-ending argument. So obviously the answer is <i>D</i>, although inserting the<span style="background-color: white; color: #212121; line-height: 15px;"> seed of the </span><i>Cocos nucifera</i> palm into my rectum comes a very close second.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: center;">The pie's pastry, like Clive Palmer's recent political campaign (and possibly penis) was thick, flaccid and completely unpalatable. However, I was hopeful that the contents of the pie would be, as every idiotic <i>Masterchef</i> contestant would say, "The hero of the dish". Unfortunately the pie's filling was far from heroic. At best, it resembled the scum scraped off a caged-hen farm floor, mixed with a healthy dose of projectile vomit, à la the chick from The Exorcist.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ironically, today is <a href="https://www.ruokday.com/">R U OK? Day</a>. Prior to tasting this nauseating concoction, I was just fine. Now, I'm not so sure. It'll take some time for my tastebuds to forgive me, but at least throwing the rest of the unconsumed pie into Darling Harbour was very therapeutic. In all seriousness though guys, the Colonel must be turning in his grave. Stick to deep-frying factory-farmed chooks, because your Zinger pie is worse than Michael Slater starring in one of your commercials with the Madden twins... and that's fucking terrible. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Obese regards,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rich Wisken.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-44196953694150651542013-09-11T11:52:00.001+10:002014-09-29T22:20:52.627+10:00Inside My Workspace<span style="font-size: large;"><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I recently found out that I'm a finalist in the 2013 Ultrabook Pedestrian Blogster Awards. The Pedestrian team contacted me find out about my workspace...</span></span></span><br />
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<i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Hi there,</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Congratulations and thank you for being a finalist in the 2013 Ultrabook Pedestrian Blogster Awards! </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">In the lead up to voting closing, we'll be publishing an article on each category and we'd love for you to supply something to </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">include! Your article's topic is: 'Inside My Workspace'. <b>Send us a photograph of your workspace + a little blurb (50-100 words) about it.</b><br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />Xoxo Team Pedestrian</span></i></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-37947294126492960272013-09-03T14:29:00.000+10:002014-09-30T20:37:52.846+10:00An Open Letter to Pastor Matt Prater...<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
Dear Pastor Matt Prater,</span><br />
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Every Monday night at 9:30pm, I sit down with my girlfriend (with whom I'm living in sin) and watch my favourite TV show, Q&A. I very much enjoy watching the <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">punters, pollies and pundits debate the relevant issues of the week. I also really like the host, Tony Jones. Don't you think there's something mesmerising about a handsome, educated silver fox? I just love how the studio lights playfully dance on Tony's glossy platinum locks. One night, I must've been a little too mesmerised, because I dreamt that TJ was a Calvin Klein underwear model. </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">I know, pretty gay, right?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">T</span>he other reason I watch Q&A, is to see if I can get one of my infantile tweets on the screen, so I can impress a bunch of people I don't know on Twitter. This is pretty difficult, considering there's an average of 21,000 tweets per episode. However, last night I was successful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Don't you think I was Lucky to have my tweet pop-up just as the Prime Minister was demonstrating his 'crane' technique. I do. When I saw my masterpiece appear on national television, I was happier than George Michael jumping into a sea of penises.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, my feeling of joy was short-lived. When you stood up to ask Kevin Rudd <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdU3ooAZSH8">your marriage equality question</a>, I thought to myself, "Who is this attractive, well-built man with a powerful jawline, yet strikingly effeminate disposition?" Then you asked your question... </span><br />
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Initially, I was disappointed that some human beings still believe that homosexuals should be banned from holy matrimony, because they're repulsive sinners. Then I realised that you're just following the word of your loving, benevolent, understanding, considerate and kind-hearted God (who thinks gays are an abomination, even though he created them) </span><br />
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Seeing as though the Bible is the word of God, can I assume that you follow it word for word? Surely you don't ignore the parts about murder, slavery, genocide, rape, human sacrifice and child abuse; only to focus on the 'love thy neighbour' bit, do you? That'd be exactly like someone visiting a cherry orchard and picking the best cherries off the trees, leaving the ugly, diseased ones behind. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />In your question to Prime Minister Rudd, you ask "I<i>f you call yourself a Christian, why don't you believe the words of Jesus in the Bible</i>?" With that in mind, I'd like to play a little game called "Yes or No." It's easy, I'll ask you five questions and you just have to answer yes, or no. Got it?</span><br />
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1) <b>Is it a sin to eat delicious crispy bacon?</b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">(Leviticus 11:7-8) </span><i><span class="text Lev-11-7" style="background-color: white;">And the pig,<sup class="crossreference" style="vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-3005A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup> though it has a divided hoof, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></i><span class="text Lev-11-8" id="en-NIV-3006" style="background-color: white;"><i>You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you</i>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; line-height: 20px;">2) <b>Is getting a tattoo a sin? (<i>not including white guys with tribal tatts</i>)</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; line-height: 20px;">(</span><span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; line-height: 20px;">Leviticus 19:28) </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 16px;"><i>Ye shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD</i>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 30px;">3) </span><span class="text Lev-11-8" style="background-color: white;"><b>Will you execute your children if they call you a fuckhead?</b></span></span><br />
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<span class="text Lev-11-8" style="background-color: white;">(</span><span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; line-height: 20px;">Exodus 21:17) </span><span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; line-height: 20px;"><i>And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death</i>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">4) <b>Do you believe that men with mutilated genitals should not enter a house of God?</b></span><br />
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(<span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; color: #141414; line-height: 20px;">Leviticus 19:27) </span><span style="background-color: #fcfcfc; color: #141414; line-height: 20px;"><i>He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD</i>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141414;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">5) <b>Is Brokeback Mountain the most FABULOUS movie you've ever seen?</b></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141414;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">If you answered "No" to ANY of the first four questions, HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN? If you answered "Yes" to question five, would you like to go camping and horse riding with me? If so, I call shotgun on being H</span></span><span style="color: #141414; line-height: 20px;">eath.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141414;"><span style="font-size: large; line-height: 20px;">Holy regards,</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141414;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Rich Wisken</span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1624066697036360067.post-58651036591474430952013-08-20T18:17:00.002+10:002014-09-30T20:43:03.689+10:00Election Campaign Ad #2<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott don’t like boats... or basic human rights. They like slogans, and will do whatever it takes to “Stop the Boats.” Kev and Tony are engaging in a game of xenophobic one-upmanship, aimed at stopping asylum seekers reaching our shores. Why? Because fuck refugees, that's why! Rudd is sending them to Papua New Guinea. Abbott wants to tow them back to Indonesia. Who will win? Whose “We grew here, you blew here” policy will reign supreme?</span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099627401060084748noreply@blogger.com0