Marq Wines, Cut and Dry Shiraz 2011

Marq Wines

Cut and Dry Shiraz 2011

Margaret River, W.A

Impenetrable black with an inky cherry hue. Aromas of dark plum, leather and mocha merge with grilled fig, black cherry and redskins. A beastly palate; full-bodied and rich with bold and juicy, yet remarkably approachable tannins. This Amarone inspired demon showcases cherry Coke, sticky date pudding, licorice and rhubarb flavours, which are complimented by a textural firmness and lengthy finish. 

Imagine if Hulk Hogan and Chuck Norris had a baby and it was raised by Bruce Willis and Genghis Khan... Well, multiply that virility by twelve thousand and you’re still not remotely close to the ruggedness of the brawny ogre!

Drink with UFC Heavyweight Champion + Power tools + Bear Grylls DVD

Yarra Yering, Dry Red No.1 2004

Yarra Yering

Dry Red No.1 2004 

Yarra Valley, VIC

Solid Grandfather clock cedar, powerful cassis and black olive aromas give way to delicate herbaceous undertones; think bushwalking in the rain. Dusty tannins, dark chocolate and cohesive fruit/oak assimilation provides balance, complexity and a persistent finish.  

Like a 2012 Christina Aguilera, it’s medium to full-bodied, yet still possesses plenty of “Genie in a Bottle” suppleness. This wine is “Beautiful” in every single way and will age far more gracefully than the irritating wannabe diva. 

Drink with Aladdin. 

Miranda Wines, Passion Pop Pink NV

Miranda Wines

Pink Passion Pop NV
Griffith, NSW

Ed Hardy tracksuit-pink in colour with fairy floss, glacé cherry and strawberry aromas. Confectionary flavours dominate a cloying palate, eased only somewhat by the fizz.

Statistically, this iconic bogan potion is responsible for 75% of Australian teenage pregnancies and 85% of all tramp stamps. Smashin’ Pop is also available in a purple 250ml tinnie, ideal for smuggling into the Blue Light Disco in your counterfeit Louis Vuitton clutch. 

Drink with a Chiko Roll and half a deck of Winnie Reds.

Ten Minutes by Tractor, 10X Pinot Noir 2011

Ten Minutes by Tractor 

10X Pinot Noir 2011

Mornington Peninsula, VIC

A vibrant maraschino and garnet kaleidoscope tempts the eyes. Fragrant strawberry and redskin aromas duel with Jamón serrano and sweet/savoury spice. 

Raspberry rollups and tart cranberry acidity supported by smoked meatiness and powdery tannins. A worthy example of Pinot Noir’s penchant for cross-dressing, even at such a young age. 

Like an infant Stephen Hawking, this Pinot is light, bright and already showing signs of complexity.

Drink with the nerds from The Big Bang Theory.

Xanadu Shiraz 2009

Xanadu 

Shiraz 2009
Margaret River, W.A.

More fruit-driven than Boy George’s car, this stellar Margaret River Shiraz would be right at home in Willy Wonka’s cellar (the original, not the shit Johnny Depp one).

Concentrated blackberries reminiscent of Wonka’s lickable wallpaper precedes a chewy burst of blueberries, à la Violet Beauregarde. Next, Im drowning in a dark chocolate river like that fat German kid, while a bunch of compassionless Oompa Loompas insensitively croon about my fate. 

A fruity beauty framed by fleshy tannins with traces of cinnamon and white pepper (maybe black pepper, I’m not a Spice Girl!). Nicely structured with more length than an everlasting gobstopper. 

I don’t care what Slugworth offers me, he ain’t touching this wine! 

Drink with steak + Snozberry jus.