Orlando Wines, Coolabah, Fruity Lexia NV

Orlando Wines
Coolabah, Fruity Lexia NV (Goon)
Barossa Valley, S.A

Since 1973, Coolabah have equipped impoverished uni students and penniless backpackers with a highly functional piece of sleeping paraphernalia — the silver pillow. Perhaps the only examples of contemporary engineering that rival these shining headrests include: the Mars Rover and Iain Hewitson’s suspenders.

The box’s artwork depicts something I’ve never seen before; three adults drinking Goon from actual wine glasses, not a Hills Hoist in sight — clearly a surrealist piece.

A golden shower of flaxen-coloured liquid generously surges from the Golden Gallon’s nozzle. The aroma profile is a heady mix of house parties and Cottee’s orange/mango cordial. If my dad picked the fruit that went in this stuff, I’d put myself up for adoption. 

The saccharine fluid tastes like passionfruit and a girl I once knew, which isn't ideal. Fruity Lexia, like dyslexia, impairs a person’s fluency and their ability to read, write and spell. It also impedes one’s capacity to judge the attractiveness of the opposite sex.

If this syrupy concoction was a person, it'd be Zac Efron, because it's sickly-sweet and high-school girls desperately want it in their mouths.