The Sydney Monorail - OWN THE FUTURE!

The Sydney Monorail is being decommissioned on 30th June and as part of the festivities, 702 ABC Radio in Sydney asked if I could write a mock classified ad to sell it. Listen/read below.

 

The Sydney Monorail - (one owner, 4.5 million km)

Mankind’s most breathtaking engineering feats include: the Pyramids, Great Wall of China, sliced bread and Justin Bieber’s hair. As impressive as they are, these awe-inspiring examples will never dethrone the one true king of human ingenuity; all hail the Sydney Monorail!

Designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and Optimus Prime, this futuristic fusion of bullet train and Autobot immediately surpassed Noah’s Ark as history’s most functional mode of transportation! If you want all the benefits of the Orient Express and Trans-Siberian, minus the murderers and communists, then this is the vehicle for you!

Always wondered what it was like for Neil Armstrong and Buzz what’s his name to fang through the cosmos at warp speed? Well wonder no more! If you’re the lucky new owner of this savage space serpent, you’ll experience that sensation every day!

Don’t believe me? Then lend your ears to these cold hard facts!

• Powered by just one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, it was the first rail-based form of transport to break the speed of sound!

• After just one lap of the Large Hadron Collider, it proved the existence of the God particle!

• It crossed the English Channel - before the tunnel was built!

• When Superman was a kid, he had a model monorail set!

• Used in all NASA missions since Apollo 13 - Houston haven’t had any more problems!

• Roller coasters are too scared to ride it!

• Light wonders how it travels so fast!

• Without the monorail, Darling Harbour will just be known as, “Harbour!”

It’s not every day you get the chance to possess the universe’s most hellish ride; so put the house on the market, rob a bank, sell your kidneys and reply to that generous Nigerian prince’s email, because your gonna need every penny to purchase this ruthless robotic reptile!

Price: 

The GDP of Switzerland, or a straight swap for Air Force One and the Millennium Falcon.

More Like the Coldest 100...

Dear Triple J,

On the weekend, I listened to the Hottest 100 of the past twenty years and to be honest, I'm far from happy. It raised many more questions than it answered...

Firstly, is "The Doctor" a real doctor? Actually, don't worry about that for now, as there are far more critical issues to address, such as my concern with the computers you used to tally the votes for this so-called Hottest 100.

Like many Australians, I voted for my favourite twenty songs online. I even compiled a list of my 100 most-liked tunes, just so I'd feel a great sense of self-satisfaction every time one of them was played. How wrong was I? Not ONE song in my top 100 made it on "Australia's" list, hence the reason for my letter.

Now I'm not accusing anyone of vote rigging or any other fraudulent behaviour, but do you really expect me to believe that Wonderwall topped the countdown? Are you kidding me? There's only one other wall that's worse - the Berlin Wall. That song goes on longer than the Great Wall of China and makes me want to smash my face against a wall. The only wall I hate more than Wonderwall is Wall-y Lewis - fucking Queenslander. Go the Blues! To be fair to the Lewis family, I do really like Lincoln.

I'm courteously requesting that you please take a look at my Hottest 100 tracks and consider a recount. Surely the Hilltop Hoods' Nosebleed Section in the top five was a mistake. It's Australian hip hop for fuck's sake! Aussie hip hop sounds like the producers of The Shire recorded American hip hop taking a dump. Oh, and who's Jeff Buckley? Is it Nicky Buckley's dad? I bet he was surprised to be at number three, considering nobody's ever even heard of him.

Anyway, take a good long look at my (and probably countless of other people's) Hottest 100 tracks of the last twenty years and tell me I'm wrong...

#100 Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
#99  Faith Hill - Breathe
#98  *NSYNC - This I Promise You
#97  Célene Dion - My Heart Will Go On
#98  Backstreet Boys - I Want it That Way
#97  All 4 One - I Swear
#96  Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
#95  Spice Girls - Wannabe
#94  The Black Eyed peas - My Humps
#93  Akon - Lonely
#92  John Mayer - Daughters
#91  Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
#90  3 Doors Down - Here Without You
#89  Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
#88  Train - Drops Of Jupiter
#87  LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live
#86  Train - Hey Soul Sister
#85  Justin Bieber - Baby
#84  The Corrs - Breathless
#83  Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
#82  Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believin'
#81  The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin'
#80  Cher - Believe
#79  Backstreet Boys - I'll Never Break Your Heart
#78  Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty
#77  DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - Boom! Shake The Room
#76  Santana (featuring Rob Thomas) - Smooth 
#75  Psy - Gangnam Style
#74  Carly Rae Jepson - Call Me Maybe
#73  Sisqo - Thong Song
#72  Joey Lawrence - Nothin' My Love Can't Fix
#71  Shania Twain - You're Still the One I Want
#70  Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
#69  Los Del Rio - Macarena
#68  Lou Bega - Mambo Number 5
#67  Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is) 
#66  Mr. President - Cocoa Jambo
#65  Afroman - Because I Got High
#64  Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone
#63  Nickleback - How You Remind Me
#62  John Mayer - Your Body Is a Wonderland
#61  James Blunt - You're Beautiful
#60  Various Artists - Jersey Shore Soundtrack
#59  Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are
#58  The Lonely Island - Jizz in My Pants
#57  Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
#56  3 Doors Down - Kryponite
#55  Linkin Park - Numb
#54  Ashlee Simpson - La, La
#53  Katie Perry - I Kissed a Girl
#52  Crazy Town - Butterfly
#51  Kelis - Milkshake
#50  Fergie - Fergalicious
#49  Eifell 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
#48  Ricky Martin - She Bangs
#47  Michael Bublé  - Feeling Good
#46  Niki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
#45  Uncle Kracker - Drift Away
#44  Chris Brown - Forever
#43  Rhianna - Umbrella
#42  Lifehouse - Spin
#41  Kevin Federline - PopoZao
#40  Shaggy - It Wasn't Me
#39  Nick Lechey - What's Left of Me
#38  t.A.T.u - All the Things She Said
#37  Hillary Duff - Come Clean
#36  S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
#35  The Venga Boys -  We Like To Party
#34  Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out
#33  Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
#32  The Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
#31  Will.i.am - This is Love
#30  Westlife - You Raise Me Up
#29  Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
#28  Avril Lavinge - Girlfriend
#27  Souljah Boy - Crank Dat
#26  Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
#25  Daughtry - It's Not Over
#24  Justin Timberlake - Summer Love
#23  Pitbull - I know You Want Me
#22  Sugababes - Get Sexy
#21  NKOTB - The Right Stuff
#20  Kelly Rowland - Down For Whatever
#19  LMFAO - Sexy & I Know It
#18  Justin Timberlake - Dick in a Box 
#17  The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You
#16  Jennifer Lopez - Jenny From the Block
#15  Britney Spears - Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
#14  Tina Arena - Chains
#13  Avril Lavigne - Skater Boy 
#12  Axel F - The Crazy Frog 
#11  Rebecca Black - Friday
#10  Nickleback - Rockstar
#9   Willow Smith - Whip My Hair
#8   Ke$ha - TiK ToK
#7   Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Don't Give Up
#6   Creed - With Arms Wide Open
#5   Creed - Higher
#4   Hanson - MMMBop
#3   Peter Andre - Mysterious Girl
#2   Aqua - Doctor Jones
#1   Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind

Look at that top ten! What a thing of beauty... and yes I had to Google how to spell Natalie Bassingthwaighte's name. I reckon her parents were playing Scrabble drunk one night when they came up with that one. As you can see from the rest of my list, I'm not really into hardcore metal, but Creed still managed to sneak two classic tunes in there. I guess it's a testament to how powerful and original Scott Stapp's vocals are. The same can be said about the lead singer of Nickleback - the Paddle Pop lion.

I was dumfounded as to why your Hottest 100 forgot to include the Hanson sisters' groundbreaking track MMMBop. Growing up, Taylor Hanson was my generation's Taylor Swift, only more talented and far more attractive.

Just because Ke$ha looks like a genetic engineer crossed a peacock with a prostitute, it doesn't mean she's not talented. TiK ToK rules! Try and find me a better song about a clock and being a whore all night.

One of the more contentious entries amongst my friends and I, was Aqua's Doctor Jones. My mate Dave was like, "No way man, Barbie Girl is way better." Yeah, whatever Dave, maybe if you're a teenage girl. Boom!

It's worth noting that Rhianna's Umbrella at number #43 marks the first time she's actually beaten Chris Brown, whose song Forever comes in at #44. It's also the first time a father and daughter have been acknowledged in my Hottest 100, so congratulations to Will and Willow Smith.

I guess your Hottest 100 wasn't 100% shit, just 99%. I enjoyed Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag, which actually just missed out on the 100th spot to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You.

Finally, what can be said about Peter Andre that hasn't already been said about Michael Jackson? Nothing, that's what. Then there's Paris Hilton, who's basically just a skinny Adele. I've dreamt for a long time that Andre and Hilton will marry and reproduce. Not only would their offspring take the music industry by storm, but they'd do it with pure class... and washboard abs.

Anyway, please get in touch with me with regards to the vote recount. I'm sure it was just an oversight by one of the chimps working in your computer room. After all, you are a government-funded broadcaster.

Musical regards,

Rich Wisken

Christian Adams - "Psychic Medium and Energy Healer"

Christian Adams is a Psychic Medium and Energy Healer. To win a free twenty minute reading and see a photo of Christian discovering water on Mars, please CLICK HERE. I really hope I win the competition, but before I enter, I'd like to learn a bit more about Christian's skills.

Greetings Christian,

I would really love to win a free twenty minute reading, but first I’d like to get a better understanding of the services you provide. There are a few things in your Facebook bio, which don't really make sense to someone not of the spirit world. If you happen to find some time between chatting with ghosts and reading auras, could you please get back to me with your answers?

What exactly does a Psychic Medium do? Please forgive me, but all of my supernatural knowledge comes from the movie Ghost, starring Patrick Swayze and Ashton Kutcher’s Mum. Unfortunately, the only bit I remember is when Mrs. Kutcher is elbow deep in a slab of clay, whilst listening to Unchained Melody, when a shirtless Swayze comes in and completely fucks everything up, because he’s horny and has zero respect for pottery. As you can see, that particular scene has nothing to do with the spirit world, hence the reason why I’m hoping you're able to educate me.

I’m also curious as to what an “Energy healer” does. Has it got anything to do with comforting people who have unreasonably high electricity bills? If so, I could really use your help, seeing as it’s winter and all. Another impressive accolade that shouldn't go unnoticed, is the fact that you're a 'Reiki master in Usui Reiki, Seichim Reiki and Karuna Reiki'. I think I've heard of those guys, are they the Fijian rugby playing triplets? If so, what sparked your interest in rugby playing brethren from the tropics, and how long did it take to become a master?

Your 'ability to read auras, through psychometry and the use of Titania’s Fortune Cards' sounds pretty cool too, although I’m a bit sceptical of fortunes, ever since the time I was given one in a cookie at a Chinese restaurant. It read, 'You will soon be honoured by someone you respect'. It should've declared, 'The chicken wasn’t cooked properly, enjoy the diarrhoea'. Trust me, you could’ve smelled my aura that day Christian.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there are people out there who don’t believe in what you do. For instance, I have a mate named Rich, who thinks psychics are full of shit. He reckons they’re a bunch of fraudulent, thieving con artists, who pray on the weak and vulnerable for their own financial gain. What an idiot! He also thinks that being a psychic today is so much easier, thanks to Google and various social media formats. What would Rich know though? He's such a moron!

If I win the free reading, I’m going to give it to Rich, so you can prove to him that it's not a prerequisite to suffer from mental illness, in order to talk to ghosts. I bet he’ll change his tune as soon as you introduce 'Albert', your spirit doctor. It’s not Fat Albert by any chance is it? I only ask because he’s probably dead by now - seeing as he was a prime candidate for heart disease and type 2 diabetes. He would definitely make an excellent spirit doctor though, mainly because of the positive educational lessons he and Bill Cosby taught the kids every episode.

Well Christian, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. You can either email, or send a spirit to summon me. If you choose the latter, please let me know when I should expect them, because I often watch the Ghostbusters trilogy and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

Transcendent regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. I forgot to mention that I really like your tattoos bro, are they Fijian?

My Résumé...

Since writing the Brumby ad, I've been offered several copywriting jobs. However, yesterday was the first time a company actually requested my résumé (or curriculum vitae, for those of you who don't understand French, but speak fluent Latin).

I'm certainly interested in pursuing more writing work, so I thought it'd be best if I posted my CV on here.

Prospective employers, please click on the image below to find out more about me.

One strength I forgot to list, is that that I'm not afraid of heights... or bridges.

Dear Justin Bieber...

Dear Justin Bieber,

I am your biggest fan, but did you know that loads of people around the world think you’re a talentless nobody? I know, whatevs, right? The haters who view you as an irritating little dickhead, obviously haven’t listened to your incredible music. You are the greatest thing to happen to the music industry since Ace of Base, and they were the SHIT! Who’s your favourite Scandinavian pop group? Is it Aqua? I also like them, especially the bald guy with the deep voice.

I put a poster of you on the roof above my bed so I can stare into your eyes as I fall asleep. That’s probably why I have a really cool reoccurring dream about you. We’re at a Psy concert and he invites you on the stage to do that awesome horsey dance. Man I love that dance. Anyway, you do it about ten times better than him, because you’re not fat. I usually awake from this dream with my heart pounding. Luckily, all I have to do to calm myself is look up at my poster and repeat “Baby, baby, baby ooohhh” fifty times. The combination of your deeply emotional lyrics and beautiful smiling face, ensure that the rest of my night is spent in blissful slumber.

The other day, I was talking to my Mum about music. She really likes Peter Gabriel. Have you heard of him? He’s an old guy with a stupid goatee, but he does have a good song that I think you should cover. You would sing it way better than him. It’s called “Sledgehammer.” Maybe you could get Usher and Miley to sing backing vocals.

You are a musical genius who somehow continues to surprise your Beliebers every time you drop a new track. It must have felt amazing when you destroyed the other nominees to win Best New Artist at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards for your timeless ballad, "Baby." You totes deserved it Biebs. I’m going to get the lyrics of that groundbreaking song tattooed across my chest in fancy calligraphy so I remember them forever.

For me, your music speaks volumes about the kind of artist you’re becoming; a truly gifted young man with boundless talent and astonishing integrity. No other person in my life means as much to me. Thank you for all the joy you've provided over the years, I hope they never find a cure for Bieber Fever.

All my love,

Rich Wisken xxxx