Buy my drums...

Roland V-Drums: TD-9
PRICE: $1,600
CONDITION: Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.

Are you more unpopular than whiskey-cured bacon at an ISIS rally, uglier than the southern end of a northbound baboon, and more desperate than a D-grade contestant on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here? How would you like to wake up tomorrow morning a winner instead of a useless underachiever with no friends or future prospects?

Well, today’s your lucky day, because I’m giving you the power to turn your life around, you pathetic loser.

Thanks to Sydney's exorbitant rental prices, the Federal Government’s proposed tax hike on cask wine, and my penchant for uncut Peruvian dancing dust, I'm being forced to sell my sweet set of Roland V-Drums… and possibly some non-vital organs on the black market.

But don’t worry about me. My loss, misery and downward spiral into deep depression, is your gain, happiness and increased ability to attract members of the opposite sex (or same sex).

Seriously though, this drum kit is the answer to all your problems, unless your problems include being way too cool and sexy, in which case, prepare for them to get much worse.

Famous drummers that have never played this kit, include:

- John Bonham.
- Ringo Starr.
- Lars Ulrich.
- Chad Smith.
- Dave Grohl.
- Carter Beauford.
- Danny Carey.
- Animal from The Muppets.
- The Little Drummer Boy.
- Justin Bieber (little drummer girl).

…AND MANY MORE!

So, if you want to markedly improve your quality of life, hook-up with every Victoria’s Secret Angel (or the Magic Mike dudes), and be crowned Most Interesting Human of all Time, then this prodigious piece of percussive perfection is for you.

INCLUDED:

- Mesh heads.
- Double pedal.
- ProMark American Hickory 5A sticks.
- A licence to rock socks off.
- More cowbell.
- My tears.

NOT INCLUDED:

- Sick purple lightning bolts.
- Nintendo 64 console.
- Thor’s hammer.
- Dragon.
- Life-size cardboard cutout of Harry Styles.
- Pyramid of pure Peruvian blow.
- My awesome Photoshop skillz.

PRICE: $1,600.

What’s that, you want to negotiate? Sure, I could do that. You know what else I could do? Find out where you live, steal your TV and take a dump in your letterbox. Just kidding, I’m always willing to negotiate… upwards.

Email: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet @RichWisken for more info.