An Open Letter to Cardinal George Pell

Dear Cardinal Pell,

As you're well aware, the Catholic Church is the largest property owner on the planet, with an estimated $15 billion cash in the bank, an art collection worth $17 billion, and vast reserves of untold wealth in stocks, gold bullion, jewels, and pretty dresses. If I had all that money, I'd want the best bookkeeper on the planet to look after it. 

You must've been thrilled when Pope Francis appointed you prefect of the Secretariat for the Economy in 2014, effectively putting you in charge of the Vatican's finances. But before I go into that, I'm a little confused. Why have you guys accumulated such mind-blowingly enormous riches? I only ask because, well, you know...

If we are too attached to riches, we are not free. We are slaves.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) March 5, 2015

When one lives attached to money, pride or power, it is impossible to be truly happy.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) July 24, 2014

I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance, says Jesus. This is where true wealth is found, not in material things!

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) May 8, 2013

May the Lord help us overcome the temptations of wealth, vanity and pride which seek to destroy the truth of the Gospel.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) February 14, 2016

Seeking happiness in material things is a sure way of being unhappy.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) September 15, 2013

Earnings and capital are not more important than the human person, but should be at the service of the common good.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) February 17, 2016

The martyrs teach us that wealth, prestige and honor have little importance: Christ is the only true treasure.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 16, 2014

Economic interests easily end up trumping the common good.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) June 18, 2015

If money and material things become the center of our lives, they seize us and make us slaves

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) October 29, 2013

A Christian who is too attached to riches has lost his way.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 25, 2015

If you hoard material possessions, they will rob you of your soul.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 5, 2014

If your boss's tweets are gospel, doesn't that make him an unimportant, hypocritical, vain, miserable, soulless, capitalist slave who's lost his way, hoards material possessions, and has no regard for the common good? Don't worry, I'm not here to judge. I'm actually here to help. You see, I love money, and can't stand the thought of such an absurdly massive amount being wasted due to incompetence, deliberate or otherwise.

What incompetence? I'm glad you asked. Over the past four days, I've been watching you give evidence to the royal commission into institutional responses to child sexual abuse. With all due respect, you appear to possess the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's that's recently suffered catastrophic brain trauma.

If I had a dollar for every time you answered one of the commission's questions with, "I can't recall" or "I can't remember", I'd have sufficient funds to pay for a neurosurgeon to treat your apparent severe memory impairment.

Now, I know 40 years is a long time, but it's not like the questions being asked were, "Cardinal Pell, what sort of sandwich did you have for lunch on February 4, 1972?" or "What colour dress did you wear on Sunday, July 21, 1974?" No. The questions were related to the systematic rape of children in your area at the hands of your trusted friends, housemates and colleagues; hardly something one is likely to forget.

Anyway, back to the money. Do you honestly think someone with the memory of a potato should be responsible for such an obscene fortune? What if you forget the PIN for the Vatican credit card, or do something idiotic like accidentally give all that money to the poor, or the victims of widespread child sexual abuse? 

To be honest, I did wonder if there could be any other possible reasons for your memory loss, but the only one that came to mind was that you're lying to protect the church. Then I realised there's no way an upstanding man of God such as yourself would ever do that. Can you imagine what kind of vile, conniving, evil, malevolent cunt would protect child-raping paedophile priests for four decades? 

The picture of you above is how I imagine you would look thinking about such a repulsive cretin. Seriously, what kind of sick, twisted, bottom-feeding piece of shit would use his power and religion to hide behind his own disgusting, unforgivable crimes? Hmmm, really makes you think.

Look, I know you've been an outstanding representative of your faith, saying things like, "Abortion is a worse moral scandal than priests sexually abusing young people", "The idea that you can solve a great spiritual and health crisis like AIDS with a few mechanical contraptions like condoms is ridiculous", and "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", but perhaps with your failing memory, it's time to move on and let someone else take over. 

Anyway, Cardinal, I'm sure you have lots of important things to do, like visiting your heart specialist (remember, you're very sick), picking out your pretty dresses for the week, and dedicating your life to something for which there is no evidence whatsoever. But, while you're doing all those things, I just ask that you think about whether you're the best possible option for Vatican treasurer. 

Holy regards,
Rich Wisken

P.S. If you want to improve your memory, I found this awesome Easter-themed memory card game. It's for toddlers, so hopefully you won't find it too difficult.

An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg...

Last night, my favourite Facebook page, Drawing Dicks on the Herald Sun, was removed for violating Facebook's Community Standards. The much-loved page became an Australian icon, gathering 379,585 fans in just three years. This letter is for people who believe that censorship stifles artistic freedom of expression, and for those who want to see the phallic, veiny masterpieces return to their news feeds immediately. 

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

During the Easter break, I visited the Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) in Hobart, Tasmania. Its founder, David Walsh, describes it as a subversive adult Disneyland, so as you can imagine, I was incredibly excited.

The minimalist feel of MONA’s subterranean gallery space makes you feel like you’re being held captive in an elaborate Fritzl-esque sex dungeon. Thankfully, Stockholm syndrome soon sets in and the fear is replaced by a comfortable familiarity. I recommend visiting for the architecture alone.

To be honest, I don’t really ‘get’ a lot of art, but I’m a master of pretending that I do. The trick is to spend at least three minutes staring at each exhibit through squinted eyes, whilst nodding and thoughtfully stroking your chin. Having a beard and wearing brightly coloured pants also helps. I didn't understand the vast majority of work at MONA, but one piece resonated deeply with me — James McCartney’s, Great Wall of Vagina. I even used it to wish my Twitter followers an enjoyable Easter.

In my 33 years on this planet, only one other collection of art has filled me with as much joy as this prodigious posse of plastered pussies — Drawing Dicks on the Herald Sun; a Facebook page dedicated to the favourite Australian pastime of drawing penises in the newspaper.

As you can imagine, I was horrified to learn it was recently banned for violating Facebook's Community Standards regarding nudity. I find it strange that your progressive company would censor any form of art, let alone these masterpieces.

Some of the world's most revered and cherished works of art depict nudity. Imagine if they were censored because someone found them offensive.

Your Community Standards state that you restrict nudity because some audiences may be sensitive to it. That's like banning bacon because certain religions find it offensive, or prohibiting free speech because some people don't like what's being said. Perhaps the inimitable Stephen Fry summed it up best.

Your guidelines go on to say that you allow photos of paintings, sculptures and art that depicts nude figures, and that nudity restrictions apply to digital content, unless it's educational, humorous or satirical. Me, and the other 379,585 fans of the page think it's absolutely hilarious. I understand these images would be offensive to some, but is that really a good enough reason to forbid them?

No it's not, Mark. That's why I'm writing to you today, begging that you restore my favourite Facebook page. Not just for me, but for the founders, artists and fans, who, like me, might not understand most art, but feel deeply connected to this genital genre. With the decline of traditional print media, it's only a matter of time until newspapers become an artifact of a bygone era, so please let us enjoy drawing dicks in them until that sad, flaccid day arrives.

Sincerely,
Rich (Dick) Wisken

Replying to Hate Mail

I've received thousands of emails since my Jetstar letter went viral. Most have been positive, but every now and then I receive some fairly strong hate mail. I'm not sure why, but the authors of this hate mail usually possess the spelling and grammatical prowess of an illiterate blind person who types with a baseball mitt, or Floyd Mayweather. For that reason, I tend not to respond. This time I couldn't help myself...

From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Date: Friday 17 July 2015 7:09pm
To: richwisken@hotmail.com
Subject: fuck ya self cunt

dear rich whisken or should i say dick. yeh i should say dick coz thats wat ya are. have ya always been sucha fucken dick or is it somthin ya work on for years. yeh i thought so your a natural. your probly wonderin why im sendin this. coz your a fucken pussy bitch thats why . ya know there are worse things than some fat shit sittin on ya on a plane ya dumb cunt. thats wat  ya get for flyinwith jetstar ya retarted cunt.and before ya ask no im not a fatty. boohooo some fat fuck sat on ya. big deal. ya think its ok to winge and teas some body about there body even tho your probly just a small dick faget sittin in ya mummys basment wankin it to poofta porno. faget. yeh so what ya can write a a funny letter big deal. dont make ya afucken comedien. see how funny ya are when imcrackin ya fucken skull in funny man coz thats wat ill do when i find ya faget ass. yeh ya better be sacred cunt coz im  gunna put ya lights out for good.

........................................

From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com
Date: Friday 17 July 2015 8:11pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Your email has been intercepted

Greetings jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au,

I am G-BOT 5000, Google’s new automated spelling and grammar robot. In order to preserve the English language, I have been tasked with intercepting and correcting emails that contain an unacceptable number of spelling and grammatical errors. 

In addition to this, I am programmed to detect threatening, hypocritical and homophobic language. I am also programmed to compose a suitable alternative before sending it to the intended recipient.

I have made the necessary amendments (see below) and forwarded your email to richwisken@hotmail.com. Don't worry, that human will never know I was involved.

Automated regards,
G-BOT 5000

Amended email:

Dear Rich Wisken,

I hope I don’t come across as a pathetic, easily offended loser with no life and the brain capacity of a slug, but I just wanted to tell you that your Jetstar letter upset me greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re a brilliant and hilarious writer, but I just can’t stand body-shaming.

Under no circumstances is it okay to mock a fellow human’s physical attributes. For instance, I would never insult a man by implying that his penis is small. Penises come in all shapes and sizes, which I think is wonderful. 

I also loathe intolerance towards homosexuals. One particular word I find utterly abhorrent is "Faggot". It’s something I would never say, let alone grossly misspell. I even applied a rainbow filter to my Facebook profile photo to show how tolerant I am. I also love men with really big muscles.

Another thing I detest is violence. Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent”. I totally agree. Furthermore, using a carriage service to menace, harass or cause offence, carries a maximum three-year prison sentence under section 474.17 of the Criminal Code Act 1995. That's why I'd never threaten to violently end someone's life via the internet.

Kind regards,
J-Boy.

........................................

From: richwisken@hotmail.com
Date: Friday 17 July 2015 8:36pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Hello J-Boy

Dear J-Boy,

Thanks for getting in touch. Why would I think you’re a pathetic loser with the brain capacity of a terrestrial gastropod mollusc? You seem like a kind, intelligent person. By the way, your email is beautifully written. 

I totally understand why you were offended by my letter, but I’m a bit confused as to why you felt the need to share your views on penises, homosexuals and violence with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I reckon it’s great that you think all different penises are wonderful, and that you love men with really big muscles, but I don’t share those feelings. I’m more of a vagina and non-muscular female enthusiast. 

However, we do share the exact same views on violence. In fact, I’d go even further and say that people who send anonymous death threats over the internet are weak, bottom-feeding underachievers with a third-grade education and no future prospects whatsoever. So I’m really glad you’d never send one.

Anyway, thanks again for your email. Did I mention how well written it was?

Cheers,

Rich Wisken

P.S. I feel terrible that my letter upset you. As a peace offering, I made you a photo collage featuring penises of all shapes and sizes, and really muscular men. I hope this means we can be friends now.

........................................

From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 10:49am
To: richwisken@hotmail.com
Subject: re: Hello J-Boy

fuck off i didnt write that it was changed. your the one that loves dicks ya fucken faget. go fuck ya self and ya gay cunt boy friend. haaahahaahha your a sad peice of shit. ya dont like pussy but ya are definately are a pussy. that photo of the dicks adn fagets is probly stuck up on ya bed room roof so ya can stare at it and wank it off. fuck off and die ya sad cunt.

........................................

From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com
Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 11:36am
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Your email has been intercepted

Hello jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au,

Unfortunately, this email has also been flagged. Not to worry, I'm here to help. I have amended your email and sent it to richwisken@hotmail.com. Once again, the human recipient will have no knowledge of my involvement.

Automated regards,
G-BOT 5000

Amended email:

Dear Rich,

I just wanted to quickly thank you for the photo collage you kindly created for me. It was unexpected and very thoughtful. I just went to my local office supplies store to have it enlarged and printed. 

The hardest part was deciding where to display it. After much thought, I settled on the wall above the cage in my man-fisting dungeon. Well, I call it a man-fisting dungeon, but I engage in many other homosexual acts in there. Some of my favourites include: The Alabama Hot Pocket, The Panamanian Petting Zoo, The Arabian Death Mask, and of course, the classic Cleveland Steamer.

Anyway, I hope you're well. You're more than welcome to come and visit anytime. 

Kind regards,
J-Boy

........................................

From: richwisken@hotmail.com
Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 12:30pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: re: Hello J-Boy

Hi J-Boy,

I'm glad you liked my photo collage, but I'm not sure why you're telling me about your sex life. The fact that you're a proud gay man is fantastic and I support that. 

One thing that does concern me is your purpose-built dungeon dedicated to inserting your fist inside male bottoms. Traditionally, a dungeon was used to hold people against their will. I hope that's not the case with you. Oh, and traditionally, fists aren't meant to penetrate the anus.

Thanks again for your email, but I'm not sure it's appropriate to share your depraved sexual fetishes with me. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

Cheers,
Rich Wisken

P.S. Before you go, I want to share one of my favourite songs with you. Turn up the volume and click HERE.

........................................

From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Date: Sunday 19 July 2015 4:25pm
To: grammarbot5000@gmail.com
Subject: [no subject]

fucken bull shit ya change my email and dont do nothin when that cunt sends me a vid of 2 fagets fucken. fuck ya slef im done with this shit. 

........................................

From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com
Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 4:32pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Your email has been intercepted

Automated regards,

G-BOT 5000

An Open Letter to Prime Minister Tony Abbott...

Dear Prime Minister Tony Abbott,

I just read an article about how you want to cut funding to universities by 20% and spend more money training priests. Under your proposed higher education reforms:

"Religious teaching, training and vocational institutes would be eligible for a share of $820 million in new Commonwealth funding over three years". 

I'm not sure how much it costs to educate a man of God, but $820 million sounds like quite a lot. Now, I know you guys are in a fair bit of debt at the moment, so I've come up with a solution to help you out. 

But before I get to that, have you thought about hitting up the Vatican for some cash? You know, the third largest property owner on the planet; the guys with an estimated $15 billion in the bank, an art collection worth approximately $17 billion, and vast reserves of untold wealth tied up in stocks, gold bullion, jewels and funny-looking hats.

Actually, don't you think it's a little strange that the Catholic Church hoarded such an immense treasure trove of material possessions, especially since Jesus said: 

- "Foolish is storing treasure for self; not being rich toward God".

- "Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life does not consist of the abundance of the things that he possesses".

- "Go and sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me".

- "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God".

Anyway, back to how I'm going to save you $820 million, plus the $244 million you've already pledged to the school chaplaincy scheme.

Did you know that some people think there should be a separation of church and state? It's pretty much the essence of this thing called secularism. They reckon that your government shouldn't officially recognise or favour any religion. I know, weird.

But don't worry about that, Tony. I've got your back. What if I told you I could train priests on your behalf and it wouldn't cost one single cent? 

Well, today's your lucky day, because after much research and development, I've created a multiple choice test that comprehensively trains budding priests. There are only ten questions, and like I said, it's completely free.

1) God is:

a) An unjust, jealous, vindictive, barbaric, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, sadomasochistic, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, megalomaniacal, malevolent, man-made construct.

b) The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

2) Humans:

a) Share a common ancestor with modern African apes. 

b) Were made by God using some dust and a rib. 

3) Praying is:

a) A futile, time-wasting pursuit that comforts the person praying, but has never had a demonstrable impact on anything, ever.

b) A direct line to God.

4) Thou shalt not:

a) Rape children.

b) Take the Lord's name in vain. 

5) If one of your colleagues is sexually abusing a child, should you:

a) Call the police immediately.

b) Help them cover it up.

6) If one baby is pulled out alive from the rubble of an earthquake, is it:

a) Because of the heroic work carried out by rescue teams.

b) An act of God.

7) If five hundred other babies are crushed to death in the same earthquake, is it:

a) An act of God.

b) Because God works in mysterious ways.

8) If a homosexual couple asks you to officiate their wedding, do you:

a) Happily oblige.

b) Projectile vomit, because gays are repulsive abominations.

9) Condoms are:

a) A highly effective preventative measure against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.

b) The devil.

10) Should women have the right to be ordained into the priesthood?

a) Yes, of course.

b) BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If the aspiring clergymen answer 'b' to all questions, then they're fit to preach the word of God. But, if they answer any questions with 'a', then the blasphemous heathens will burn in the bowels of hell for eternity.

See, it's a win-win. Firstly, you save $820 million, and secondly, evidence-based university degrees aren't hindered by the faith-based training of men who dedicate their entire lives to something for which there is no evidence. 

Let me know what you think, Tony. If you want to get in touch, just reply to this letter, or tweet me @RichWisken.

Devout regards,

Rich Wisken.

Buy my drums...

Roland V-Drums: TD-9
PRICE: $1,600
CONDITION: Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.

Are you more unpopular than whiskey-cured bacon at an ISIS rally, uglier than the southern end of a northbound baboon, and more desperate than a D-grade contestant on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here? How would you like to wake up tomorrow morning a winner instead of a useless underachiever with no friends or future prospects?

Well, today’s your lucky day, because I’m giving you the power to turn your life around, you pathetic loser.

Thanks to Sydney's exorbitant rental prices, the Federal Government’s proposed tax hike on cask wine, and my penchant for uncut Peruvian dancing dust, I'm being forced to sell my sweet set of Roland V-Drums… and possibly some non-vital organs on the black market.

But don’t worry about me. My loss, misery and downward spiral into deep depression, is your gain, happiness and increased ability to attract members of the opposite sex (or same sex).

Seriously though, this drum kit is the answer to all your problems, unless your problems include being way too cool and sexy, in which case, prepare for them to get much worse.

Famous drummers that have never played this kit, include:

- John Bonham.
- Ringo Starr.
- Lars Ulrich.
- Chad Smith.
- Dave Grohl.
- Carter Beauford.
- Danny Carey.
- Animal from The Muppets.
- The Little Drummer Boy.
- Justin Bieber (little drummer girl).

…AND MANY MORE!

So, if you want to markedly improve your quality of life, hook-up with every Victoria’s Secret Angel (or the Magic Mike dudes), and be crowned Most Interesting Human of all Time, then this prodigious piece of percussive perfection is for you.

INCLUDED:

- Mesh heads.
- Double pedal.
- ProMark American Hickory 5A sticks.
- A licence to rock socks off.
- More cowbell.
- My tears.

NOT INCLUDED:

- Sick purple lightning bolts.
- Nintendo 64 console.
- Thor’s hammer.
- Dragon.
- Life-size cardboard cutout of Harry Styles.
- Pyramid of pure Peruvian blow.
- My awesome Photoshop skillz.

PRICE: $1,600.

What’s that, you want to negotiate? Sure, I could do that. You know what else I could do? Find out where you live, steal your TV and take a dump in your letterbox. Just kidding, I’m always willing to negotiate… upwards.

Email: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet @RichWisken for more info.

Dear Hamilton Spectator...

After reading the article below, I decided to write to Richard Beks, Publisher of The Hamilton Spectator...

Dear Richard Beks,

I just read your opinion piece and to say that I’m disgusted is an understatement. Seldom do I read something that makes me feel physically ill; something so repugnant that makes my skin crawl and blood boil. I honestly can’t believe you published this atrocity. 

Of course, I’m talking about the unsuitable use of the word 'merely'.

You wrote… 

“The former Hamilton teacher who in 2008 got 18 months gaol for merely touching an U16 girl’s breast and genitals in a private home in Brisbane some years earlier is a case in point.”

The Cambridge Dictionary defines merely as an adverb, meaning: not large/important; used to emphasise that something is not large, important, or effective when compared to something else. 

Are you saying that the molestation of an innocent young girl by her vile paedophile teacher was small and unimportant? As a lover of words, I find this erroneous use of the word merely highly offensive.

Here are three examples of how to appropriately use merely in a sentence…

- Jane’s teacher gave her guidance; he merely wanted to educate her.

- The teacher's role was merely to make sure Jane completed her schoolwork.

- Jane merely trusted her teacher implicitly. 

Now, here are three examples of unsuitable use…

- Jane’s teacher merely groomed her to satisfy his own nefarious desires.

- Jane's teacher merely used his position of power to sexually abuse her.

- After using heroin to block out the tragic memories of her childhood, Jane merely committed suicide at age 17.

Anyway, I hope this helps. We all make mistakes. I’m sure the Hamilton Spectator isn’t merely a deplorable tabloid rag whose publisher is merely a reprehensible paedophile sympathiser.

Yours merely,
Rich Wisken.

A couple of days later, ABC Ballarat's published this...

Richard's official apology came days later...

I had some more questions...

Dear Richard Beks,

Thanks so much for apologising for recklessly abusing the English language. 'Merely' was indeed a poor word choice.

Just a couple of other things...

In your original article, when talking about an elderly paedophile priest, you say:

“Sheahan got a nine-month suspended sentence as well. Not sure to what purpose. At 83 years of age, living in a nursing home and needing a walking frame to get about he’s obviously not going to re-offend.”

Excellent point. Obviously the sweet old priest won't reoffend. I mean, as if any justice system would ever jail an elderly paedo...

You also mention that:

“Child abuse, of course, is the crime of the moment with the ABC and SBS forever baying for blood - and courts often responding with confusing regard to the damage caused.”

You're right, child molestation is totes on trend. It must be the hipster of crimes, especially if those pesky, left-wing, child-protecting communists at the ABC and SBS are constantly reporting it, brah. 

Oh, one last little thing. 

You said.
..

“I’m not nominating him for a medal, however, something like this for the middle-age bachelor has the hallmarks of misguided curiosity.” And that, “This was closer to a case of appalling manners than major crime.”

When I was little, I used to love slurping McDonald's chocolate thick shakes. The louder the better. On several occasions, my mum would say I had 'appalling manners'. This scenario alone leads me to believe that digitally raping a young girl is perhaps more severe than loudly ingesting a delicious lactose-based beverage. One time, I threw my thick shake at one of the cars on my street. Mum wasn't happy when she found out, but I argued that my transgression was merely a case of 'misguided curiosity'. Again, words I probably wouldn't choose to describe a middle-aged bachelor fingering an underage girl.

Anyway, thanks again for apologising for your gross misuse of the word 'merely'. Like I said, we all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from them. With that in mind, I sincerely hope that you, and the vile sex predators you were so lenient on, don't reoffend. 

Even more merely,

Rich Wisken.

P.S. I probably should've sent this to you as a PDF file... get it?

P.P.S. I genuinely hope you don't think I'm part of the "Vicious coordinated campaign of online vilification" that you mentioned in your heartfelt apology. To show you I'm not, I sent you an album I thought you'd like as a peace offering: Rolf Harris Sings for Survival, which in hindsight is incredibly ironic. Enjoy!