Dear Kogan Mobile...

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Master of Puppets...

A new Twitter follower of mine (@johnjjh86), recently heard that I was forced to give up my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. Such was his concern for my welfare, he sent me a link to a volunteer position he thought I might enjoy.

He was right...

Dear Pastor Coghlan and Caroline Harrington,

As a long time fan of The Muppets and brainwashing children, I think your puppet idea is fantastic. Apart from the Hitler Youth, I truly can’t think of a better way of indoctrinating the young, so kudos to both of you. Perhaps you should share your idea with the Catholic Church. I've heard their priests are always looking for new ways of "spreading the gospel" to children...

Unfortunately, I don’t have any traditional puppetry experience, but I am a huge fan of the Australian stage show, Puppetry of the Penis. Have you heard of it? It involves two guys performing genital origami for a large audience. I know, awesome! Some of my favourites include: the Wristwatch, Atomic Mushroom and the Loch Ness Monster, but my all-time favourite is the Windsurfer.

Hopefully if I practice enough, mine will start to look less like a windsurfer and more like an America's Cup yacht. We can all dream. Hey, if I get the job, maybe we could all go sailing together.

I'm trying to think of more cool puppet-related stuff to talk about, so I can prove how much I want this position. 

Well, I don't really like Metallica's, Master of Puppets, because they probably worship Satan, but I do love NSYNC's, No Strings Attached. What's your favourite NSYNC song? Mine's probably, Bye Bye Bye. If you want, we can play with my collectable NSYNC marionettes. I've got the full set, but don't worry, I can leave Lance Bass at home... because he's gay, and God probably hates him.

Speaking of gay puppets, what are your thoughts on those two godless homosexuals, Bert and Ernie. I've heard people say that they subliminally coax our children into an immoral lifestyle. Do you guys think homosexuality is immoral? Just look at them sitting there in a loving embrace, not bothering anyone with their feelings for each other. Sinners!

Anyway, I'm sure you must be inundated with applications, so I'm going to pray every night that you choose me. I'm just hoping that God doesn't ignore me, like all those people who pray for an end to poverty, famine, war, AIDS... and all that silly stuff.

Oh, gotta go! Sorry guys, but Sesame Street just started and I really feel the need to tickle Elmo.

Bye Bye Bye for now,

Rich Wisken

Dear Bern...

Bern Morley, a blogger for Australia's largest female blog, wrote an article about my Jetstar complaint letter. CLICK HERE to read it, then scroll down to view my response.

Dear Bern,

I thoroughly enjoyed your article and think it’s great that we can have this discussion. Just a few things...

When you write, “Believe me when I say, I am cherry picking the least offensive parts of this story right now”, I think it's important to note that what you find offensive may not offend others. Comedian, Ricky Gervais once said, “Offence is taken, not given”, and, “Just because you're offended, it doesn't mean you're right”. Perhaps it's best to let your readers make up their own minds about what they find offensive.

I bet more than a few Christians are offended by the above photo, but who cares? If your readers find my letter offensive, so be it, I'm OK with that. Some things offend me, like Jennifer Aniston movies and men who wear these pants.

I have no doubt that many people would also be EXTREMELY offended by you publishing their photo on a popular website and calling them a: “Jerk, arse, arsehole and a mean coward”. Who knows, perhaps some would even consider it bullying. I suppose it’s lucky that your opinion of me is none of my business. The important thing is that you get to express it freely. For future reference, calling someone both an arse and an arsehole is unnecessary, as the arse incorporates both the cheeks and the hole.

I highly doubt that Jetstar have a “Jerk register”, but if they do, I guess I’m not on it, as they reimbursed the $25 emergency seat fee and gave me a $100 voucher for the two flight cancellations. If such a register does exist and I'm at the top of it, then that means Jetstar hold jerks in a higher regard than the customers they actually like. Come to think of it, Jerkstar has a nice ring to it.

Considering that we’ve followed each other on Twitter for quite some time, perhaps it would've been better to directly tweet to me @RichWisken, instead of subtweeting this:

Whilst I appreciate a good Seinfeld reference, I would've responded in a much more timely fashion if you actually sent the article to me. Anyway, thanks for saying that I have a great writing style, and that you thought I was cool and funny, but again, your opinion of me is none of my business.

If you choose to publish my response, please do so in its entirety.

Maybe some people just need to lighten up...

Regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Thanks for publishing the photo of me with the dog. I'm glad everyone now knows that I really, really love animals.