An Open Letter to Prime Minister Tony Abbott...

Dear Prime Minister Tony Abbott,

I just read an article about how you want to cut funding to universities by 20% and spend more money training priests. Under your proposed higher education reforms:

"Religious teaching, training and vocational institutes would be eligible for a share of $820 million in new Commonwealth funding over three years". 

I'm not sure how much it costs to educate a man of God, but $820 million sounds like quite a lot. Now, I know you guys are in a fair bit of debt at the moment, so I've come up with a solution to help you out. 

But before I get to that, have you thought about hitting up the Vatican for some cash? You know, the third largest property owner on the planet; the guys with an estimated $15 billion in the bank, an art collection worth approximately $17 billion, and vast reserves of untold wealth tied up in stocks, gold bullion, jewels and funny-looking hats.

Actually, don't you think it's a little strange that the Catholic Church hoarded such an immense treasure trove of material possessions, especially since Jesus said: 

- "Foolish is storing treasure for self; not being rich toward God".

- "Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life does not consist of the abundance of the things that he possesses".

- "Go and sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me".

- "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God".

Anyway, back to how I'm going to save you $820 million, plus the $244 million you've already pledged to the school chaplaincy scheme.

Did you know that some people think there should be a separation of church and state? It's pretty much the essence of this thing called secularism. They reckon that your government shouldn't officially recognise or favour any religion. I know, weird.

But don't worry about that, Tony. I've got your back. What if I told you I could train priests on your behalf and it wouldn't cost one single cent? 

Well, today's your lucky day, because after much research and development, I've created a multiple choice test that comprehensively trains budding priests. There are only ten questions, and like I said, it's completely free.

1) God is:

a) An unjust, jealous, vindictive, barbaric, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, sadomasochistic, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, megalomaniacal, malevolent, man-made construct.

b) The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

2) Humans:

a) Share a common ancestor with modern African apes. 

b) Were made by God using some dust and a rib. 

3) Praying is:

a) A futile, time-wasting pursuit that comforts the person praying, but has never had a demonstrable impact on anything, ever.

b) A direct line to God.

4) Thou shalt not:

a) Rape children.

b) Take the Lord's name in vain. 

5) If one of your colleagues is sexually abusing a child, should you:

a) Call the police immediately.

b) Help them cover it up.

6) If one baby is pulled out alive from the rubble of an earthquake, is it:

a) Because of the heroic work carried out by rescue teams.

b) An act of God.

7) If five hundred other babies are crushed to death in the same earthquake, is it:

a) An act of God.

b) Because God works in mysterious ways.

8) If a homosexual couple asks you to officiate their wedding, do you:

a) Happily oblige.

b) Projectile vomit, because gays are repulsive abominations.

9) Condoms are:

a) A highly effective preventative measure against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.

b) The devil.

10) Should women have the right to be ordained into the priesthood?

a) Yes, of course.

b) BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If the aspiring clergymen answer 'b' to all questions, then they're fit to preach the word of God. But, if they answer any questions with 'a', then the blasphemous heathens will burn in the bowels of hell for eternity.

See, it's a win-win. Firstly, you save $820 million, and secondly, evidence-based university degrees aren't hindered by the faith-based training of men who dedicate their entire lives to something for which there is no evidence. 

Let me know what you think, Tony. If you want to get in touch, just reply to this letter, or tweet me @RichWisken.

Devout regards,

Rich Wisken.

Buy my drums...

Roland V-Drums: TD-9
PRICE: $1,600
CONDITION: Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.

Are you more unpopular than whiskey-cured bacon at an ISIS rally, uglier than the southern end of a northbound baboon, and more desperate than a D-grade contestant on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here? How would you like to wake up tomorrow morning a winner instead of a useless underachiever with no friends or future prospects?

Well, today’s your lucky day, because I’m giving you the power to turn your life around, you pathetic loser.

Thanks to Sydney's exorbitant rental prices, the Federal Government’s proposed tax hike on cask wine, and my penchant for uncut Peruvian dancing dust, I'm being forced to sell my sweet set of Roland V-Drums… and possibly some non-vital organs on the black market.

But don’t worry about me. My loss, misery and downward spiral into deep depression, is your gain, happiness and increased ability to attract members of the opposite sex (or same sex).

Seriously though, this drum kit is the answer to all your problems, unless your problems include being way too cool and sexy, in which case, prepare for them to get much worse.

Famous drummers that have never played this kit, include:

- John Bonham.
- Ringo Starr.
- Lars Ulrich.
- Chad Smith.
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- Carter Beauford.
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- Animal from The Muppets.
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- Justin Bieber (little drummer girl).

…AND MANY MORE!

So, if you want to markedly improve your quality of life, hook-up with every Victoria’s Secret Angel (or the Magic Mike dudes), and be crowned Most Interesting Human of all Time, then this prodigious piece of percussive perfection is for you.

INCLUDED:

- Mesh heads.
- Double pedal.
- ProMark American Hickory 5A sticks.
- A licence to rock socks off.
- More cowbell.
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NOT INCLUDED:

- Sick purple lightning bolts.
- Nintendo 64 console.
- Thor’s hammer.
- Dragon.
- Life-size cardboard cutout of Harry Styles.
- Pyramid of pure Peruvian blow.
- My awesome Photoshop skillz.

PRICE: $1,600.

What’s that, you want to negotiate? Sure, I could do that. You know what else I could do? Find out where you live, steal your TV and take a dump in your letterbox. Just kidding, I’m always willing to negotiate… upwards.

Email: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet @RichWisken for more info.

Dear Hamilton Spectator...

After reading the article below, I decided to write to Richard Beks, Publisher of The Hamilton Spectator...

Dear Richard Beks,

I just read your opinion piece and to say that I’m disgusted is an understatement. Seldom do I read something that makes me feel physically ill; something so repugnant that makes my skin crawl and blood boil. I honestly can’t believe you published this atrocity. 

Of course, I’m talking about the unsuitable use of the word 'merely'.

You wrote… 

“The former Hamilton teacher who in 2008 got 18 months gaol for merely touching an U16 girl’s breast and genitals in a private home in Brisbane some years earlier is a case in point.”

The Cambridge Dictionary defines merely as an adverb, meaning: not large/important; used to emphasise that something is not large, important, or effective when compared to something else. 

Are you saying that the molestation of an innocent young girl by her vile paedophile teacher was small and unimportant? As a lover of words, I find this erroneous use of the word merely highly offensive.

Here are three examples of how to appropriately use merely in a sentence…

- Jane’s teacher gave her guidance; he merely wanted to educate her.

- The teacher's role was merely to make sure Jane completed her schoolwork.

- Jane merely trusted her teacher implicitly. 

Now, here are three examples of unsuitable use…

- Jane’s teacher merely groomed her to satisfy his own nefarious desires.

- Jane's teacher merely used his position of power to sexually abuse her.

- After using heroin to block out the tragic memories of her childhood, Jane merely committed suicide at age 17.

Anyway, I hope this helps. We all make mistakes. I’m sure the Hamilton Spectator isn’t merely a deplorable tabloid rag whose publisher is merely a reprehensible paedophile sympathiser.

Yours merely,
Rich Wisken.

A couple of days later, ABC Ballarat's published this...

Richard's official apology came days later...

I had some more questions...

Dear Richard Beks,

Thanks so much for apologising for recklessly abusing the English language. 'Merely' was indeed a poor word choice.

Just a couple of other things...

In your original article, when talking about an elderly paedophile priest, you say:

“Sheahan got a nine-month suspended sentence as well. Not sure to what purpose. At 83 years of age, living in a nursing home and needing a walking frame to get about he’s obviously not going to re-offend.”

Excellent point. Obviously the sweet old priest won't reoffend. I mean, as if any justice system would ever jail an elderly paedo...

You also mention that:

“Child abuse, of course, is the crime of the moment with the ABC and SBS forever baying for blood - and courts often responding with confusing regard to the damage caused.”

You're right, child molestation is totes on trend. It must be the hipster of crimes, especially if those pesky, left-wing, child-protecting communists at the ABC and SBS are constantly reporting it, brah. 

Oh, one last little thing. 

You said.
..

“I’m not nominating him for a medal, however, something like this for the middle-age bachelor has the hallmarks of misguided curiosity.” And that, “This was closer to a case of appalling manners than major crime.”

When I was little, I used to love slurping McDonald's chocolate thick shakes. The louder the better. On several occasions, my mum would say I had 'appalling manners'. This scenario alone leads me to believe that digitally raping a young girl is perhaps more severe than loudly ingesting a delicious lactose-based beverage. One time, I threw my thick shake at one of the cars on my street. Mum wasn't happy when she found out, but I argued that my transgression was merely a case of 'misguided curiosity'. Again, words I probably wouldn't choose to describe a middle-aged bachelor fingering an underage girl.

Anyway, thanks again for apologising for your gross misuse of the word 'merely'. Like I said, we all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from them. With that in mind, I sincerely hope that you, and the vile sex predators you were so lenient on, don't reoffend. 

Even more merely,

Rich Wisken.

P.S. I probably should've sent this to you as a PDF file... get it?

P.P.S. I genuinely hope you don't think I'm part of the "Vicious coordinated campaign of online vilification" that you mentioned in your heartfelt apology. To show you I'm not, I sent you an album I thought you'd like as a peace offering: Rolf Harris Sings for Survival, which in hindsight is incredibly ironic. Enjoy!