Monday, 8 July 2013

Saint Wisken I?

Dear Vatican,

I just heard the heavenly news that Pope John Paul II is likely to be canonised later this year. Apart from the tardiness of your decision, my one other complaint is that you only attribute two miracles to this angelic man. My research has uncovered at least five more, but I'll get to those later. The main reason for my letter is to check whether or not I’m also eligible for sainthood. It’s just that I've compared JP's miracles with my own and I reckon I'm in with a shot.

Here are the two posthumous miracles you give JP credit for:

  • Curing a nun’s Parkinson’s disease after she prayed for his help.
  • Healing a grandmother’s brain aneurysm by talking to her through a photo.

Did you know that the cause of Parkinson's disease still remains a mystery, even though scientists have researched it for many years? I bet they feel like stupid dummies, considering ghost Pope managed to cure it from the grave. I thought all ghosts were pricks. I refer you to Scooby Doo; the show about a bunch of meddling kids, a stoner and their small horse. Every ghost they apprehended had committed a major felony. Not once did I see them congratulate a spirit or poltergeist for curing a chronic illness.

I may not be in a position to question God’s earthly homeboys, but can you please help me out with a couple of minor queries?

Firstly, why did the Pontiff only choose to heal one nun, rather than wiping out Parkinson's disease altogether? If I had to pick just one person to cure, it'd be Marty McFly. I'm sure the nun was a lovely lady, but did she even have a hoverboard? I'm not sure if you've seen Back to the Future, but the plot may seem vaguely familiar to you. It’s about an old man in a white robe becoming extremely close to a handsome young boy. You guys would love it.

Secondly, did you contact Ladbrokes before confirming the subsequent miracle? It’s just that the odds of a grandma hallucinating due to brain-swelling must be fairly short.

Just in case those two miracles don't get him over the line, I prayed to JP and asked if he had performed any other supernatural feats. These were his favourites from when he was still alive:

  • Covering-up systematic child rape for many years.
  • Relentless prejudice towards homosexuals and opposition to same-sex marriage.
  • Prohibiting African Catholics to wear condoms, resulting in MILLIONS of AIDS deaths.
  • Opposing women's rights within the Church.
  • Riding in the Popemobile with a straight face.

That certainly is an impressive list, but I reckon my miracles are only slightly less miraculous. My top five for your consideration:

  • Watching an episode of The View without mutilating my own eyeballs with a claw hammer.
  • Wearing denim shorts as a fifteen year old without being severely bashed.
  • Always blaming it on the sunshine and moonlight, but never on the boogie.
  • Turning wine into water (urea and salts).
  • Looking at Shane Warne’s latest Instagram selfie without vomiting.

So what do you think guys? Is it likely that I'll become Saint Wisken I? I suppose my miracles haven't 'touched' as many people as JP's, but just try and look at that photo of Warnie without barfing. Exactly... I'll go now so you can clean up the mess.

Holy regards,

Rich Wisken. 

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Hipster House Hunting

One of my Twitter followers, alerted me to this fine dwelling available for rent in Fitzroy, VIC. I've never lived in Victoria, but then again, I've never had the opportunity to become part of such a magnificent "Life-community". Click on the picture for the ad, then read my application below.

Greetings and salutations Tohbeye, Katisha and Liam,

I am a fellow humyn seeking life-partners of my own (well not of my own, because I don’t believe in ownership).

Like you, I’m currently involved in activism groups for gay rights, women’s liberation and Palestine. I tried to combine these three causes last year, by hosting a gay rights and women’s pride parade on the Gaza Strip. I was shot several times and airlifted to an Israeli hospital where they saved my life. I know, totes ironic...

What’s slam poetry? It sounds fun. Is it a mix of poetry and pro-wrestling? I used to love watching the WWF as a kid (before I became anti-sports). It’s called WWE now though, because a giant panda complained about trademark infringement, which is fair enough, pandas are pretty much the Palestinians of the animal kingdom and humans are the Israelis taking away their habitat. Imagine Hulk Hogan reading poetry, that’d be amaze balls.

I’m also into vegan, fair-trade cuisine, but “Organic” is so mainstream. I usually only eat biodynamically-sourced berries from certified agricultural enclaves within West Papua New Guinea. All my food must be sown and harvested by tribal elders, in accordance with the lunar cycle.

I am very tolerant of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex humyns. I love George Michael, even though he used harmful chemicals to bleach his stunning locks back in the Wham days. I forgive him though, because he gave me Faith. Oh, I also love giving guys handjobs, so I guess that makes me pretty "Gay friendly".

If I become your life-mate, do you mind if we change the spiritual rejuvenation time to 10pm? It’s just that I usually like to workout for an hour at 8pm before practicing my pan-pipes at 9pm. When I train, I exercise all muscles, except my gluteus maximus, because I’m totes anti-gluten.

I agree that money is a capitalist concept, which has no bearing on our soul’s enlightenment, so instead of a donation, I would like to offer my services as a vintage bicycle mechanic. I specialise in tying colourful bandanas to the frames of fixies, as well as polishing faux-leather saddle bags.

If I become the successful new comrade for your life community, can you please inform me via carrier pigeon. I don’t believe in telecommunications, because "The Man" can’t be trusted. One minute you're using your free Vodafone to Vodafone minutes, the next, you're seeking asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Well I say, fuck that! FREE ASSANGE!  

Peace, love and serenity,

Rich Wisken.

Response... sort of