Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Dear Kogan Mobile...

Written in mid-2013, this was my very first complaint letter. For some reason it disappeared from my blog, so here it is again. Kogan Mobile (now defunct) was owned by Ruslan Kogan, a Belarusian online retailer. When I moved back to Sydney from Perth, I signed up for a 6 GB/month mobile data plan. After just two months, I received this email:

Dear Bryan from Kogan Mobile,

You spell your name the same way as Bryan Adams. I hate that guy, but that’s not important. I’m actually writing in response to the email you sent, informing me that my pre-paid contract has been terminated due to “unreasonable use”. Let me share a story from my childhood with you.

Every Sunday when I was eight, I’d buy a choc top ice cream from Mr. Whippy. As soon I heard Greensleeves, I’d exuberantly sprint towards the pink and white van and exchange my money for an ice cream at an agreed price.

On one occasion, I was enjoying my choc top, when the driver jumped out of the van, yanked the ice cream from my hand and declared that I could never purchase frozen dairy products from him again. Apparently, eating the ice cream that I paid for was considered “unreasonable use”. As you can imagine, I was very upset. Nowadays, when I hear Greensleeves, I curl up into the foetal position and shake like Michael J. Fox in an earthquake.

Guess what Bryan? That never happened. Imagine if it did though! Wouldn’t it just fucking suck to pay for goods or services that are swiftly ripped from your hands by a chubby, spectacle-wearing Belarusian dickhead? I know, what a coincidence, the driver in my fictional narrative hails from the same country as your boss.

When I first read the term “unreasonable use”, I immediately assumed it related to the extraordinary number of pornographic websites I frequent. Have you visited lemonparty.org, or are you more of a meatspin.com kind of guy? Anyway, when I read that it had nothing to do with my superhuman porn compulsion, but because I used the 6GB of data allocated to me, which I paid for; you can imagine that I was just as upset as when the arrogant, piece of shit Mr. Whippy from Belarus destroyed my imaginary childhood. In case you were wondering, the driver’s name is Ruslan.

I understand there are terms and conditions, but here’s an idea for you. How about when you advertise your 6GB/month data plan, you write in big, bold letters next to it: If you actually use the 6GB in the stated period, we’ll terminate your contract and send you a boring, generic email from a guy named Bryan. You’re welcome to use my idea free of charge.

Thanks for reading Bryan, I would call, but last time I rang Kogan I was on hold for half an hour before the line went dead. This happened twice in the same day. The upside to this is that I now know all the lyrics to Hall & Oates’, Maneater - a very apt on-hold song choice for your company. When you decide to change your tune, I recommend the song Asshole, by Dennis Leary. Again, you’re welcome to use my idea free of charge.

Who knows Bryan, perhaps one day we could put this all behind us. Maybe we could go to the movies or something. Iron Man 3 is supposed to be really good, but I just hope we won’t be thrown out halfway through for watching an “unreasonable” amount. 

Oh, and no choc tops...

No regards,

Rich Wisken

Friday, 10 January 2014

Master of Puppets...

A new Twitter follower of mine (@johnjjh86), recently heard that I was forced to give up my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. Such was his concern for my welfare, he sent me a link to a volunteer position he thought I might enjoy.

He was right...

Dear Pastor Coghlan and Caroline Harrington,

As a long time fan of The Muppets and brainwashing children, I think your puppet idea is fantastic. Apart from the Hitler Youth, I truly can’t think of a better way of indoctrinating the young, so kudos to both of you. Perhaps you should share your idea with the Catholic Church. I've heard their priests are always looking for new ways of "spreading the gospel" to children...

Unfortunately, I don’t have any traditional puppetry experience, but I am a huge fan of the Australian stage show, Puppetry of the Penis. Have you heard of it? It involves two guys performing genital origami for a large audience. I know, awesome! Some of my favourites include: the Wristwatch, Atomic Mushroom and the Loch Ness Monster, but my all-time favourite is the Windsurfer.

Hopefully if I practice enough, mine will start to look less like a windsurfer and more like an America's Cup yacht. We can all dream. Hey, if I get the job, maybe we could all go sailing together.

I'm trying to think of more cool puppet-related stuff to talk about, so I can prove how much I want this position. 

Well, I don't really like Metallica's, Master of Puppets, because they probably worship Satan, but I do love NSYNC's, No Strings Attached. What's your favourite NSYNC song? Mine's probably, Bye Bye Bye. If you want, we can play with my collectable NSYNC marionettes. I've got the full set, but don't worry, I can leave Lance Bass at home... because he's gay, and God probably hates him.

Speaking of gay puppets, what are your thoughts on those two godless homosexuals, Bert and Ernie. I've heard people say that they subliminally coax our children into an immoral lifestyle. Do you guys think homosexuality is immoral? Just look at them sitting there in a loving embrace, not bothering anyone with their feelings for each other. Sinners!

Anyway, I'm sure you must be inundated with applications, so I'm going to pray every night that you choose me. I'm just hoping that God doesn't ignore me, like all those people who pray for an end to poverty, famine, war, AIDS... and all that silly stuff.

Oh, gotta go! Sorry guys, but Sesame Street just started and I really feel the need to tickle Elmo.

Bye Bye Bye for now,

Rich Wisken

Friday, 3 January 2014

Dear Bern...

Bern Morley, a blogger for Australia's largest female blog, wrote an article about my Jetstar complaint letter. CLICK HERE to read it, then scroll down to view my response.

Dear Bern,

I thoroughly enjoyed your article and think it’s great that we can have this discussion. Just a few things...

When you write, “Believe me when I say, I am cherry picking the least offensive parts of this story right now”, I think it's important to note that what you find offensive may not offend others. Comedian, Ricky Gervais once said, “Offence is taken, not given”, and, “Just because you're offended, it doesn't mean you're right”. Perhaps it's best to let your readers make up their own minds about what they find offensive.

I bet more than a few Christians are offended by the above photo, but who cares? If your readers find my letter offensive, so be it, I'm OK with that. Some things offend me, like Jennifer Aniston movies and men who wear these pants.

I have no doubt that many people would also be EXTREMELY offended by you publishing their photo on a popular website and calling them a: “Jerk, arse, arsehole and a mean coward”. Who knows, perhaps some would even consider it bullying. I suppose it’s lucky that your opinion of me is none of my business. The important thing is that you get to express it freely. For future reference, calling someone both an arse and an arsehole is unnecessary, as the arse incorporates both the cheeks and the hole.

I highly doubt that Jetstar have a “Jerk register”, but if they do, I guess I’m not on it, as they reimbursed the $25 emergency seat fee and gave me a $100 voucher for the two flight cancellations. If such a register does exist and I'm at the top of it, then that means Jetstar hold jerks in a higher regard than the customers they actually like. Come to think of it, Jerkstar has a nice ring to it.

Considering that we’ve followed each other on Twitter for quite some time, perhaps it would've been better to directly tweet to me @RichWisken, instead of subtweeting this:

Whilst I appreciate a good Seinfeld reference, I would've responded in a much more timely fashion if you actually sent the article to me. Anyway, thanks for saying that I have a great writing style, and that you thought I was cool and funny, but again, your opinion of me is none of my business.

If you choose to publish my response, please do so in its entirety.

Maybe some people just need to lighten up...


Rich Wisken

P.S. Thanks for publishing the photo of me with the dog. I'm glad everyone now knows that I really, really love animals.