Merkin Vineyards, Chupacabra 2006

Merkin Vineyards
Chupacabra  2006
California, USA

This potion was fermented in the cellar of TOOL frontman, Maynard James Keenan. Being a prodigious rock god wasn’t enough for MJK, so he decided to plant some vines in the harsh terrain of Northern Arizona and name the vineyard after a pubic hair wig. 

My apologies to any Beliebers out there, but only TOOL fans will understand this tasting Eulogy. 

After observing the wine's deep crimson colour, I was expecting to be punched in the face with a Stinkfist of aromas, however the nose was fairly restrained. I took my first sip after a brief Intermission of approximately Forty Six & 2 minutes - the perfect opportunity to Jerk Off.

Initially the palate is meaty and tannic, exhibiting cassis, cherry jam, black pepper and tobacco. An undertow of developed, Vicarious characters follow, which are indicative of the seven years this elixir has spent inside its glass sarcophagus. Like the after effects of an AEnema, the finish is dry and hot.

I felt Cold and Ugly before drinking this satisfying Opiate, but now I’m feeling pretty Rosetta Stoned - definitely not Sober. Staring at the empty bottle, I can’t help but think it’d make a good defensive weapon against a Hooker with a Penis trying to force me into Prison Sex. Upon Reflection, this scenario is highly unlikely, considering it hasn’t happened to me yet in the 10,000 Days or so that I've been alive.

Drink with mates, not tools.

Snake and Herring, 'High and Dry' Riesling 2012

Snake and Herring

‘High and Dry’ Riesling 2012

Porongurup, W.A

This wine's excellent label was clearly designed by a mental case on an acid trip. So, in that spirit, I’ve decided to drop four LSD tabs before reviewing it.

The light, straw green colour rapidly morphs into a kaleidoscopic pool of richly-saturated, tie dye spirals, reminiscent of a Grateful Dead t-shirt. It’s also worth noting that this is the first time I’ve witnessed a purple crocodile singing karaoke in a wine glass.

Potent lime and mandarin aromas dominate, but it’s hard to tell if the intense fragrance is wine-related, or because Jimi Hendrix is violently hurling citrus fruits at me from a fire-breathing unicorn. 

The palate is slightly spicy with loads of fresh lime. A clean, pure and strikingly dry wine, with a refreshing burst of acidity and a strong crisp finish. Perhaps the only negative about this wine is that half my face melted off during a conversation with baby Jesus...

Drink with Jerry Garcia + The Smurfs + foetal position

Turkey Flat, 'Butchers Block' Marsanne/Viognier 2004

Turkey Flat
'Butchers Block' Marsanne/Viognier 2004
Barossa Valley, S.A.

The nose on this Rhône-esque blend is more developed than the Western world. Complex apricot nectar, preserved lemon and Frangipani blossom aromas mix with nutty oak and Driza-Bone.

Its palate is as dense as Forrest Gump after going 12 rounds with Iron Mike Tyson. Ripe nectarine, mandarin and cashew flavours lead to a weighty, honeyed-fig finish. Unlike Mr Gump, this wine doesn't have the legs to run much further; perhaps a bullet jumped up and bit it directly in the butt-ocks...  

Drink with Lieutenant Dan + peas and carrots + a box of chocolates

FX Pichler, ’Dürnsteiner Kellerberg’ Smaragd Riesling 2007

FX Pichler 
’Dürnsteiner Kellerberg’ Smaragd Riesling 2007
Wachau, Austria

Intense citrus pith, peach and ripe pineapple aromas mingle with white flowers and ginger. 

A viscous palate of lime, almond paste and stone fruits yields complexity, while a streak of searing acid seamlessly balances the residual sugar. Great concentration, remarkable length and serious minerality. 

In fact, there’s enough minerals in this Riesling to make Gina Rinehart slap on a pair of lederhosen and start mining the Wachau region. Unfortunately, there’s not enough acid in this wine to wash the image of a lederhosen-clad Gina Rinehart from my eyes.

Drink with Tony Abbott.

Marq Wines, Cut and Dry Shiraz 2011

Marq Wines

Cut and Dry Shiraz 2011

Margaret River, W.A

Impenetrable black with an inky cherry hue. Aromas of dark plum, leather and mocha merge with grilled fig, black cherry and redskins. A beastly palate; full-bodied and rich with bold and juicy, yet remarkably approachable tannins. This Amarone inspired demon showcases cherry Coke, sticky date pudding, licorice and rhubarb flavours, which are complimented by a textural firmness and lengthy finish. 

Imagine if Hulk Hogan and Chuck Norris had a baby and it was raised by Bruce Willis and Genghis Khan... Well, multiply that virility by twelve thousand and you’re still not remotely close to the ruggedness of the brawny ogre!

Drink with UFC Heavyweight Champion + Power tools + Bear Grylls DVD

Yarra Yering, Dry Red No.1 2004

Yarra Yering

Dry Red No.1 2004 

Yarra Valley, VIC

Solid Grandfather clock cedar, powerful cassis and black olive aromas give way to delicate herbaceous undertones; think bushwalking in the rain. Dusty tannins, dark chocolate and cohesive fruit/oak assimilation provides balance, complexity and a persistent finish.  

Like a 2012 Christina Aguilera, it’s medium to full-bodied, yet still possesses plenty of “Genie in a Bottle” suppleness. This wine is “Beautiful” in every single way and will age far more gracefully than the irritating wannabe diva. 

Drink with Aladdin. 

Miranda Wines, Passion Pop Pink NV

Miranda Wines

Pink Passion Pop NV
Griffith, NSW

Ed Hardy tracksuit-pink in colour with fairy floss, glacé cherry and strawberry aromas. Confectionary flavours dominate a cloying palate, eased only somewhat by the fizz.

Statistically, this iconic bogan potion is responsible for 75% of Australian teenage pregnancies and 85% of all tramp stamps. Smashin’ Pop is also available in a purple 250ml tinnie, ideal for smuggling into the Blue Light Disco in your counterfeit Louis Vuitton clutch. 

Drink with a Chiko Roll and half a deck of Winnie Reds.

Ten Minutes by Tractor, 10X Pinot Noir 2011

Ten Minutes by Tractor 

10X Pinot Noir 2011

Mornington Peninsula, VIC

A vibrant maraschino and garnet kaleidoscope tempts the eyes. Fragrant strawberry and redskin aromas duel with Jamón serrano and sweet/savoury spice. 

Raspberry rollups and tart cranberry acidity supported by smoked meatiness and powdery tannins. A worthy example of Pinot Noir’s penchant for cross-dressing, even at such a young age. 

Like an infant Stephen Hawking, this Pinot is light, bright and already showing signs of complexity.

Drink with the nerds from The Big Bang Theory.

Xanadu Shiraz 2009

Xanadu 

Shiraz 2009
Margaret River, W.A.

More fruit-driven than Boy George’s car, this stellar Margaret River Shiraz would be right at home in Willy Wonka’s cellar (the original, not the shit Johnny Depp one).

Concentrated blackberries reminiscent of Wonka’s lickable wallpaper precedes a chewy burst of blueberries, à la Violet Beauregarde. Next, Im drowning in a dark chocolate river like that fat German kid, while a bunch of compassionless Oompa Loompas insensitively croon about my fate. 

A fruity beauty framed by fleshy tannins with traces of cinnamon and white pepper (maybe black pepper, I’m not a Spice Girl!). Nicely structured with more length than an everlasting gobstopper. 

I don’t care what Slugworth offers me, he ain’t touching this wine! 

Drink with steak + Snozberry jus.