Friday, 17 May 2013

Erik - the Joffrey Baratheon of Online Classifieds...

Hello Erik from Castle Hill,

I see that you’re selling your white Volkswagen Golf R32 DSG on Gumtree. Cool car bro’ - just kidding. Can you please tell me what DSG stands for? Is it, “InbreD PlagiariSing ButtpluG?" The reason I ask, is because I noticed that you cut & paste the copy from my Brumby ad into your Gumtree listing, before adding a few bits and pieces of your own.

It’s OK though Erik, I’m sure this has all just been a big misunderstanding.

Imagine how upset I would feel if someone deliberately passed off my work as his or her own. I suppose I’d feel the same way you did when little Timmy stole your crayons at special school; maybe even as sad as when you wore your King Joffrey costume to the sheltered workshop last week, only to have a co-worker demolish your cardboard box fortress. Did you know that Joffrey’s Mum had sexual relations with her twin brother? Something I think you should talk to your Mum and uncle about.

Remember when your Mum used to tell you that life was like a box of chocolates? Well, I wonder if she’s disappointed that you turned out to be a Turkish delight - the shit one that nobody likes. Please don’t blame yourself for being illiterate though. It was bound to happen; considering your Mum misspelled “Eric” on your birth certificate all those years ago. What can you expect from woman who was high on PCP? Personally, I think it’s the prison obstetrician’s fault for not correcting the error.

I apologise if your Mum actually descends from Viking blood, in which case spelling Erik with a K is completely understandable.

Is this your Mum Erik? I can see why you’re selling your VW Golf. How on earth have you been taking her to the methadone clinic in such a small hatchback for all these years?

Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on you. Someone once told me that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. With this in mind, I’ve decided to imitate you by spending the weekend in my Mum’s underwear and furiously masturbating to One Direction videos.

Best regards,

Rich Wisken