Thursday, 19 September 2013

FOR SALE: 2005 Peugeot 206 CC


A friend of mine from high school has asked if I could write an ad to sell her car. Since my Brumby ad, I've had over 400 requests from people asking me to do the same for them. I tell all of these people exactly the same thing, "Fuck off and leave me alone". However, this particular young lady is a great person and a lifelong friend, so it was a no-brainer for me to help her out. I've been given total creative control. Hopefully she isn't disappointed...




FOR SALE
2005 Peugeot 206 CC
(1 Female Owner)

Are you having trouble finding someone to satisfy your depraved sexual desires? Don't worry, so was I. That was until I purchased this 2005 Peugeot 206 CC. I can't be 100% certain, but I'm fairly sure that CC stands for Cock Collector. Why? Because ever since I bought this baby, I’ve been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. In fact, by the end of the first week, I was walking like a newborn giraffe with polio.



Being a French company, Peugeot ensure that filthiness is a stock standard feature in all of their vehicles. If you're the lucky new owner of this cock-rocket, thousands of men with big helmets will try to invade you, and just like the French - you'll surrender. That's right, in no time at all you'll have more humps than GĂ©rard Depardieu's nose. Vive La France!



So why am I selling such a valuable asset? Well, I knew it was time to reassess my priorities after my vajayjay won a Grand Canyon lookalike competition. I’ve decided to start a new life at the Vatican, spending the next few decades under a vow a celibacy. Hopefully after this period of rehabilitation, my lady bits will no longer look like two elephant seals in a passionate embrace.



Not only is this weiner-wagon registered until October 2013, it also holds a valid NSW brothel licence (a government requirement due to the amount of sexy times that's taken place inside her). As the new owner, I'd recommend giving the seats a good high-pressure hosing, as the upholstery currently resembles Jackson Pollock's, Blue Poles. One thing I wouldn't recommend, is shining a UV light over the interior, unless of course you want to recreate a scene from CSI.

Features:

Automatic air con/climate control (coz' it's hotter than a one of Nelly's house parties)

Extra powerful windscreen wipers (for more viscous fluids)


Manual transmission (grip that shaft, girlfriend)

Leather steering wheel (just like my gimp suit)

Dual airbags (yes, the car too)


Price: $9,750

*Free Vengaboys Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom CD single*

If you think you're woman (or gay male) enough to handle this one-eyed monster magnet, email me at cockcollector@hotmail.com. No time-wasters! Only serious phallus fiends need apply.