Dear Pastor Matt Prater,
Every Monday night at 9:30pm, I sit down with my girlfriend (with whom I'm living in sin) and watch my favourite TV show, Q&A. I very much enjoy watching the punters, pollies and pundits debate the relevant issues of the week. I also really like the host, Tony Jones. Don't you think there's something mesmerising about a handsome, educated silver fox? I just love how the studio lights playfully dance on Tony's glossy platinum locks. One night, I must've been a little too mesmerised, because I dreamt that TJ was a Calvin Klein underwear model. I know, pretty gay, right?
Don't you think I was Lucky to have my tweet pop-up just as the Prime Minister was demonstrating his 'crane' technique. I do. When I saw my masterpiece appear on national television, I was happier than George Michael jumping into a sea of penises.
Initially, I was disappointed that some human beings still believe that homosexuals should be banned from holy matrimony, because they're repulsive sinners. Then I realised that you're just following the word of your loving, benevolent, understanding, considerate and kind-hearted God (who thinks gays are an abomination, even though he created them)
Seeing as though the Bible is the word of God, can I assume that you follow it word for word? Surely you don't ignore the parts about murder, slavery, genocide, rape, human sacrifice and child abuse; only to focus on the 'love thy neighbour' bit, do you? That'd be exactly like someone visiting a cherry orchard and picking the best cherries off the trees, leaving the ugly, diseased ones behind.
In your question to Prime Minister Rudd, you ask "If you call yourself a Christian, why don't you believe the words of Jesus in the Bible?" With that in mind, I'd like to play a little game called "Yes or No." It's easy, I'll ask you five questions and you just have to answer yes, or no. Got it?
1) Is it a sin to eat delicious crispy bacon?
(Leviticus 11:7-8) And the pig, though it has a divided hoof, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.
2) Is getting a tattoo a sin? (not including white guys with tribal tatts)
(Leviticus 19:28) Ye shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD.
3) Will you execute your children if they call you a fuckhead?
(Exodus 21:17) And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.
4) Do you believe that men with mutilated genitals should not enter a house of God?
(Leviticus 19:27) He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
5) Is Brokeback Mountain the most FABULOUS movie you've ever seen?
If you answered "No" to ANY of the first four questions, HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN? If you answered "Yes" to question five, would you like to go camping and horse riding with me? If so, I call shotgun on being Heath.