Friday, 6 June 2014

Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs, Part II

Last year, I had a less than ideal experience at Colosseum Pizza & Ribs. I emailed to tell them about it, but they ignored me... so I wrote a complaint letter. Before reading this follow-up, be sure to read PART 1, otherwise it won't make sense.

Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs,

Have you heard the expression, everyone deserves a second chance? Well, I don't believe that's necessarily true. For example, here are some people who, in my opinion, are undeserving of a redemptive opportunity.

1) The owner of Colosseum Pizza and Ribs.

2) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs 'chef'.

3) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs employees.

4) Anyone associated with Colosseum Pizza and Ribs.

5) Adolf Hitler.

6) Joseph Stalin.

7) Pol Pot.

8) Vlad the Impaler.

9) That Kony guy.

10) Justin Bieber

Have a look at this photo from your website.

Now look at the remains of what I ordered from you the other night.

I'm not a forensic scientist, but I've watched enough CSI to know that there's a strong possibility those bones don't belong to the same creature as the one in your photo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to using the magic of photography to make myself look more appealing. For instance, here's my Tinder profile pic.

...and here's my actual photo.

I guess the only difference is that I'm not charging people $39.95 for my goods or services. I'm sure we'd both agree that if I did, I'd be promising one thing, and delivering another. I suppose it's like promising a meaty rack of ribs, then delivering a sinewy mass of cartilage and bone. Just so you know, it was really cold that day.

Do you remember Maximus, the little sweatshop kid I adopted after my last Colosseum experience? Well, you wouldn't recognise him now. It's amazing how much kids grow when you feed them actual food, and not skerricks of flesh from the ribcage of an unidentifiable animal.

His sewing skills are really improving too, so I can hook you up with some seriously cheap custom threads if you're interested. He loves working hard, and sometimes I think he doesn't even want that one hour off a week. I guess like any kid he can be a bit annoying at times. Since his growth spurt, he hasn't stopped bugging me for a new cage... I swear he thinks I'm made of barbed wire.

OMG, I just had the best idea. Why don't I make the best of a bad situation and build his cage out of the ribs you sent me. Genius! With DIY ideas like that, do you think I should audition for The Block?

Anyway, please accept my apology and disregard this complaint letter. $39.95 is an absolute bargain for little Maxi's new enclosure. He's going to love it.

I guess you did deserve a second chance after all.


Rich Wisken... and Maximus