Monday, 10 February 2014

My Christian Mingle Dating Profile

Dear Christian Mingle,

As a fervent believer in the one true God, I assumed your internet dating site would be the ideal place for me to find my future wife. However, just four days after signing up, I received this email from you.

"Anything that can be considered defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive, sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal".

WTF, guys?! You just described the best parts of THE BIBLE!

God LOVES all that stuff, so why on earth would you delete it from my profile? At this stage I have to assume it was all just a big mistake. If that's the case, I forgive you.

Seeing as my original profile is no longer available on your site, I'm going to publish it here so my potential future wife can still view it.

Hi ladies (definitely not men)

My name's Rich, and I’m just a typical old school Christian dude. By old school, I mean Old Testament. Give me the wrath of God over the grace of God any day. Soft New Testament rubbish? Ain't nobody got time for that!

If you enjoy nothing more than kicking back with a copy of the good book and reminding yourself how much of a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner you are, then I'm the guy for you.

Being a decent God-fearing Christian - who lives his life strictly in accordance with the Old Testament - I find it difficult to understand why I’ve had such difficulty finding a wife. I really don’t expect too much from the woman I own; just that she's a virgin, obeys my every command, and realises she's inferior to me in every way.

Anyway, if you'd like to get to know me a bit better, check out my Likes, Dislikes and Hobbies below:


Taylor Swift, Walks on the beach, Romantic comedies, Poetry, Murder, Genocide, Floods, Droughts, Earthquakes, Plagues, Famine, Racism, Filicide, Disease, Ethnic cleansing, Really big wooden boats full of animals, Paedophilia, Homophobia, Misogyny, Torture, Smite, Infanticide, Sadomasochism, Contradictions, Genital mutilation, Capital punishment, Self-flagellation, Polygamy, Fire, Brimstone, Incest, Rape, Slavery


Harry Styles, Justin Bieber, Spicy food, Condoms, Science, Gays, Shellfish, Mixing fabrics, Bacon, Tattoos, Trimming my hair/beard, Blasphemy 


Golf, Gardening, Bird watching, Tenpin bowling, Pilates, Stoning psychics to death, Murdering those who curseth thy mother and father, Killing those who worship other Gods, Human/animal sacrifice, Executing my neighbours for working on the Sabbath, Murdering homosexuals, disobedient children and babies

So ladies, like what you see? Do you think I could be your special someone? If so, feel free to send me a message, but please, no Beliebers, Directioners, or New Testament time wasters.

...Okay, after reading that again, I'm still struggling to understand why you found it to be unacceptable. Obviously I'm not the only one who feels this way, as I've already received a smile and an email from two eager temptresses. Knowing that real Christian ladies still exist fills me with joy.

Below is a screenshot of my profile after you removed all the good stuff. I'm posting it to educate other confused Minglers, who like me, don't know what they can and can't have in their profiles.

Okay, so just to clarify, you're saying that it's definitely NOT okay to:

  • Like really big wooden boats full of animals, or the rest of the fun, violent stuff in the Bible.

...but totally okay to:

  • View yourself as a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner.

  • Own a woman - as long as she's a virgin who obeys your every command, and realises she's inferior to you in every way.

  • Dislike gays (all of them).

Whilst misogyny and homophobia are all well and good, I'd like to remind you that if the word of God isn't followed to the letter, you'll burn in hell for eternity. Please Christian Mingle, no more cherry picking.

Anyway, please ignore me if the editing of my profile was just an error on your part. If it was, I very much look forward to it being restored ASAP. If it was deliberate, I pray that you all die violent deaths for disobeying your creator.

Devout regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Why did you also remove my profile photo?


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