Sunday, 2 June 2013

Dear Justin Bieber...



Dear Justin Bieber,

I am your biggest fan, but did you know that loads of people around the world think you’re a talentless nobody? I know, whatevs, right? The haters who view you as an irritating little dickhead, obviously haven’t listened to your incredible music. You are the greatest thing to happen to the music industry since Ace of Base, and they were the SHIT! Who’s your favourite Scandinavian pop group? Is it Aqua? I also like them, especially the bald guy with the deep voice.

I put a poster of you on the roof above my bed so I can stare into your eyes as I fall asleep. That’s probably why I have a really cool reoccurring dream about you. We’re at a Psy concert and he invites you on the stage to do that awesome horsey dance. Man I love that dance. Anyway, you do it about ten times better than him, because you’re not fat. I usually awake from this dream with my heart pounding. Luckily, all I have to do to calm myself is look up at my poster and repeat “Baby, baby, baby ooohhh” fifty times. The combination of your deeply emotional lyrics and beautiful smiling face, ensure that the rest of my night is spent in blissful slumber.

The other day, I was talking to my Mum about music. She really likes Peter Gabriel. Have you heard of him? He’s an old guy with a stupid goatee, but he does have a good song that I think you should cover. You would sing it way better than him. It’s called “Sledgehammer.” Maybe you could get Usher and Miley to sing backing vocals.

You are a musical genius who somehow continues to surprise your Beliebers every time you drop a new track. It must have felt amazing when you destroyed the other nominees to win Best New Artist at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards for your timeless ballad, "Baby." You totes deserved it Biebs. I’m going to get the lyrics of that groundbreaking song tattooed across my chest in fancy calligraphy so I remember them forever.

For me, your music speaks volumes about the kind of artist you’re becoming; a truly gifted young man with boundless talent and astonishing integrity. No other person in my life means as much to me. Thank you for all the joy you've provided over the years, I hope they never find a cure for Bieber Fever.

All my love,

Rich Wisken xxxx