Friday, 28 June 2013

The Sydney Monorail - OWN THE FUTURE!

The Sydney Monorail is being decommissioned on 30th June and as part of the festivities, 702 ABC Radio in Sydney asked if I could write a mock classified ad to sell it. Listen/read below.


The Sydney Monorail - (one owner, 4.5 million km)

Mankind’s most breathtaking engineering feats include: the Pyramids, Great Wall of China, sliced bread and Justin Bieber’s hair. As impressive as they are, these awe-inspiring examples will never dethrone the one true king of human ingenuity; all hail the Sydney Monorail!

Designed by Leonardo Da Vinci and Optimus Prime, this futuristic fusion of bullet train and Autobot immediately surpassed Noah’s Ark as history’s most functional mode of transportation! If you want all the benefits of the Orient Express and Trans-Siberian, minus the murderers and communists, then this is the vehicle for you!

Always wondered what it was like for Neil Armstrong and Buzz what’s his name to fang through the cosmos at warp speed? Well wonder no more! If you’re the lucky new owner of this savage space serpent, you’ll experience that sensation every day!

Don’t believe me? Then lend your ears to these cold hard facts!

  • Powered by just one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, it was the first rail-based form of transport to break the speed of sound!

  • After just one lap of the Large Hadron Collider, it proved the existence of the God particle!

  • It crossed the English Channel - before the tunnel was built!

  • When Superman was a kid, he had a model monorail set!

  • Used in all NASA missions since Apollo 13 - Houston haven’t had any more problems!

  • Roller coasters are too scared to ride it!

  • Light wonders how it travels so fast!

  • Without the monorail, Darling Harbour will just be known as, “Harbour!”

It’s not every day you get the chance to possess the universe’s most hellish ride; so put the house on the market, rob a bank, sell your kidneys and reply to that generous Nigerian prince’s email, because your gonna need every penny to purchase this ruthless robotic reptile!


The GDP of Switzerland, or a straight swap for Air Force One and the Millennium Falcon.

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