Monday, 10 June 2013

More Like the Coldest 100...

Dear Triple J,

On the weekend, I listened to the Hottest 100 of the past twenty years and to be honest, I'm far from happy. It raised many more questions than it answered...

Firstly, is "The Doctor" a real doctor? Actually, don't worry about that for now, as there are far more critical issues to address, such as my concern with the computers you used to tally the votes for this so-called Hottest 100.

Like many Australians, I voted for my favourite twenty songs online. I even compiled a list of my 100 most-liked tunes, just so I'd feel a great sense of self-satisfaction every time one of them was played. How wrong was I? Not ONE song in my top 100 made it on "Australia's" list, hence the reason for my letter.

Now I'm not accusing anyone of vote rigging or any other fraudulent behaviour, but do you really expect me to believe that Wonderwall topped the countdown? Are you kidding me? There's only one other wall that's worse - the Berlin Wall. That song goes on longer than the Great Wall of China and makes me want to smash my face against a wall. The only wall I hate more than Wonderwall is Wall-y Lewis - fucking Queenslander. Go the Blues! To be fair to the Lewis family, I do really like Lincoln.

I'm courteously requesting that you please take a look at my Hottest 100 tracks and consider a recount. Surely the Hilltop Hoods' Nosebleed Section in the top five was a mistake. It's Australian hip hop for fuck's sake! Aussie hip hop sounds like the producers of The Shire recorded American hip hop taking a dump. Oh, and who's Jeff Buckley? Is it Nicky Buckley's dad? I bet he was surprised to be at number three, considering nobody's ever even heard of him.

Anyway, take a good long look at my (and probably countless of other people's) Hottest 100 tracks of the last twenty years and tell me I'm wrong...

#100 Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You

#99  Faith Hill - Breathe
#98  *NSYNC - This I Promise You
#97  Célene Dion - My Heart Will Go On
#98  Backstreet Boys - I Want it That Way
#97  All 4 One - I Swear
#96  Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
#95  Spice Girls - Wannabe
#94  The Black Eyed peas - My Humps
#93  Akon - Lonely
#92  John Mayer - Daughters
#91  Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
#90  3 Doors Down - Here Without You
#89  Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
#88  Train - Drops Of Jupiter
#87  LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live
#86  Train - Hey Soul Sister
#85  Justin Bieber - Baby
#84  The Corrs - Breathless
#83  Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
#82  Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believin'
#81  The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin'
#80  Cher - Believe
#79  Backstreet Boys - I'll Never Break Your Heart
#78  Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty
#77  DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - BoomShake The Room
#76  Santana (featuring Rob Thomas) - Smooth 
#75  Psy - Gangnam Style
#74  Carly Rae Jepson - Call Me Maybe
#73  Sisqo - Thong Song
#72  Joey Lawrence - Nothin' My Love Can't Fix
#71  Shania Twain - You're Still the One I Want
#70  Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
#69  Los Del Rio - Macarena
#68  Lou Bega - Mambo Number 5
#67  Tag TeamWhoomp (There It Is) 
#66  Mr. President - Cocoa Jambo
#65  Afroman - Because I Got High
#64  Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone
#63  Nickleback - How You Remind Me
#62  John Mayer - Your Body Is a Wonderland
#61  James Blunt - You're Beautiful
#60  Various Artists - Jersey Shore Soundtrack
#59  Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are
#58  The Lonely Island - Jizz in My Pants
#57  Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
#56  3 Doors DownKryponite
#55  Linkin Park - Numb
#54  Ashlee SimpsonLa, La
#53  Katie Perry - I Kissed a Girl
#52  Crazy TownButterfly
#51  KelisMilkshake
#50  Fergie - Fergalicious
#49  Eifell 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
#48  Ricky Martin - She Bangs
#47  Michael Bublé  - Feeling Good
#46  Niki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
#45  Uncle Kracker - Drift Away
#44  Chris Brown - Forever
#43  Rhianna - Umbrella
#42  Lifehouse - Spin
#41  Kevin Federline - PopoZao
#40  Shaggy - It Wasn't Me
#39  Nick Lechey - What's Left of Me
#38  t.A.T.u - All the Things She Said
#37  Hillary Duff - Come Clean
#36  S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
#35  The Venga Boys -  We Like To Party
#34  Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out
#33  Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
#32  The Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
#31 - This is Love
#30  Westlife - You Raise Me Up
#29  Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
#28  Avril Lavinge - Girlfriend
#27  Souljah Boy - Crank Dat
#26  Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
#25  Daughtry - It's Not Over
#24  Justin Timberlake - Summer Love
#23  Pitbull - I know You Want Me
#22  Sugababes - Get Sexy
#21  NKOTB - The Right Stuff
#20  Kelly Rowland - Down For Whatever
#19  LMFAO - Sexy & I Know It
#18  Justin Timberlake - Dick in a Box 
#17  The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You
#16  Jennifer Lopez - Jenny From the Block
#15  Britney Spears - Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
#14  Tina Arena - Chains
#13  Avril Lavigne - Skater Boy 
#12  Axel F - The Crazy Frog 
#11  Rebecca Black - Friday
#10  Nickleback - Rockstar
#9   Willow Smith - Whip My Hair
#8   Ke$ha - TiK ToK
#7   Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Don't Give Up
#6   Creed - With Arms Wide Open
#5   Creed - Higher
#4   Hanson - MMMBop
#3   Peter Andre - Mysterious Girl
#2   Aqua - Doctor Jones
#1   Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind

Look at that top ten! What a thing of beauty... and yes I had to Google how to spell Natalie Bassingthwaighte's name. I reckon her parents were playing Scrabble drunk one night when they came up with that one. As you can see from the rest of my list, I'm not really into hardcore metal, but Creed still managed to sneak two classic tunes in there. I guess it's a testament to how powerful and original Scott Stapp's vocals are. The same can be said about the lead singer of Nickleback - the Paddle Pop lion.

I was dumfounded as to why your Hottest 100 forgot to include the Hanson sisters' groundbreaking track MMMBop. Growing up, Taylor Hanson was my generation's Taylor Swift, only more talented and far more attractive.

Just because Ke$ha looks like a genetic engineer crossed a peacock with a prostitute, it doesn't mean she's not talented. TiK ToK rules! Try and find me a better song about a clock and being a whore all night.

One of the more contentious entries amongst my friends and I, was Aqua's Doctor Jones. My mate Dave was like, "No way man, Barbie Girl is way better." Yeah, whatever Dave, maybe if you're a teenage girl. Boom!

It's worth noting that Rhianna's Umbrella at number #43 marks the first time she's actually beaten Chris Brown, whose song Forever comes in at #44. It's also the first time a father and daughter have been acknowledged in my Hottest 100, so congratulations to Will and Willow Smith.

I guess your Hottest 100 wasn't 100% shit, just 99%. I enjoyed Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag, which actually just missed out on the 100th spot to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You.

Finally, what can be said about Peter Andre that hasn't already been said about Michael Jackson? Nothing, that's what. Then there's Paris Hilton, who's basically just a skinny Adele. I've dreamt for a long time that Andre and Hilton will marry and reproduce. Not only would their offspring take the music industry by storm, but they'd do it with pure class... and washboard abs.

Anyway, please get in touch with me with regards to the vote recount. I'm sure it was just an oversight by one of the chimps working in your computer room. After all, you are a government-funded broadcaster.

Musical regards,

Rich Wisken