More Like the Coldest 100...

Dear Triple J,

On the weekend, I listened to the Hottest 100 of the past twenty years and to be honest, I'm far from happy. It raised many more questions than it answered...

Firstly, is "The Doctor" a real doctor? Actually, don't worry about that for now, as there are far more critical issues to address, such as my concern with the computers you used to tally the votes for this so-called Hottest 100.

Like many Australians, I voted for my favourite twenty songs online. I even compiled a list of my 100 most-liked tunes, just so I'd feel a great sense of self-satisfaction every time one of them was played. How wrong was I? Not ONE song in my top 100 made it on "Australia's" list, hence the reason for my letter.

Now I'm not accusing anyone of vote rigging or any other fraudulent behaviour, but do you really expect me to believe that Wonderwall topped the countdown? Are you kidding me? There's only one other wall that's worse - the Berlin Wall. That song goes on longer than the Great Wall of China and makes me want to smash my face against a wall. The only wall I hate more than Wonderwall is Wall-y Lewis - fucking Queenslander. Go the Blues! To be fair to the Lewis family, I do really like Lincoln.

I'm courteously requesting that you please take a look at my Hottest 100 tracks and consider a recount. Surely the Hilltop Hoods' Nosebleed Section in the top five was a mistake. It's Australian hip hop for fuck's sake! Aussie hip hop sounds like the producers of The Shire recorded American hip hop taking a dump. Oh, and who's Jeff Buckley? Is it Nicky Buckley's dad? I bet he was surprised to be at number three, considering nobody's ever even heard of him.

Anyway, take a good long look at my (and probably countless of other people's) Hottest 100 tracks of the last twenty years and tell me I'm wrong...

#100 Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
#99  Faith Hill - Breathe
#98  *NSYNC - This I Promise You
#97  Célene Dion - My Heart Will Go On
#98  Backstreet Boys - I Want it That Way
#97  All 4 One - I Swear
#96  Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
#95  Spice Girls - Wannabe
#94  The Black Eyed peas - My Humps
#93  Akon - Lonely
#92  John Mayer - Daughters
#91  Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
#90  3 Doors Down - Here Without You
#89  Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
#88  Train - Drops Of Jupiter
#87  LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live
#86  Train - Hey Soul Sister
#85  Justin Bieber - Baby
#84  The Corrs - Breathless
#83  Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
#82  Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believin'
#81  The Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin'
#80  Cher - Believe
#79  Backstreet Boys - I'll Never Break Your Heart
#78  Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty
#77  DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - Boom! Shake The Room
#76  Santana (featuring Rob Thomas) - Smooth 
#75  Psy - Gangnam Style
#74  Carly Rae Jepson - Call Me Maybe
#73  Sisqo - Thong Song
#72  Joey Lawrence - Nothin' My Love Can't Fix
#71  Shania Twain - You're Still the One I Want
#70  Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
#69  Los Del Rio - Macarena
#68  Lou Bega - Mambo Number 5
#67  Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is) 
#66  Mr. President - Cocoa Jambo
#65  Afroman - Because I Got High
#64  Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone
#63  Nickleback - How You Remind Me
#62  John Mayer - Your Body Is a Wonderland
#61  James Blunt - You're Beautiful
#60  Various Artists - Jersey Shore Soundtrack
#59  Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are
#58  The Lonely Island - Jizz in My Pants
#57  Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
#56  3 Doors Down - Kryponite
#55  Linkin Park - Numb
#54  Ashlee Simpson - La, La
#53  Katie Perry - I Kissed a Girl
#52  Crazy Town - Butterfly
#51  Kelis - Milkshake
#50  Fergie - Fergalicious
#49  Eifell 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)
#48  Ricky Martin - She Bangs
#47  Michael Bublé  - Feeling Good
#46  Niki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
#45  Uncle Kracker - Drift Away
#44  Chris Brown - Forever
#43  Rhianna - Umbrella
#42  Lifehouse - Spin
#41  Kevin Federline - PopoZao
#40  Shaggy - It Wasn't Me
#39  Nick Lechey - What's Left of Me
#38  t.A.T.u - All the Things She Said
#37  Hillary Duff - Come Clean
#36  S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
#35  The Venga Boys -  We Like To Party
#34  Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out
#33  Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
#32  The Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
#31  Will.i.am - This is Love
#30  Westlife - You Raise Me Up
#29  Chumbawamba - Tubthumping
#28  Avril Lavinge - Girlfriend
#27  Souljah Boy - Crank Dat
#26  Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
#25  Daughtry - It's Not Over
#24  Justin Timberlake - Summer Love
#23  Pitbull - I know You Want Me
#22  Sugababes - Get Sexy
#21  NKOTB - The Right Stuff
#20  Kelly Rowland - Down For Whatever
#19  LMFAO - Sexy & I Know It
#18  Justin Timberlake - Dick in a Box 
#17  The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You
#16  Jennifer Lopez - Jenny From the Block
#15  Britney Spears - Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman
#14  Tina Arena - Chains
#13  Avril Lavigne - Skater Boy 
#12  Axel F - The Crazy Frog 
#11  Rebecca Black - Friday
#10  Nickleback - Rockstar
#9   Willow Smith - Whip My Hair
#8   Ke$ha - TiK ToK
#7   Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Don't Give Up
#6   Creed - With Arms Wide Open
#5   Creed - Higher
#4   Hanson - MMMBop
#3   Peter Andre - Mysterious Girl
#2   Aqua - Doctor Jones
#1   Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind

Look at that top ten! What a thing of beauty... and yes I had to Google how to spell Natalie Bassingthwaighte's name. I reckon her parents were playing Scrabble drunk one night when they came up with that one. As you can see from the rest of my list, I'm not really into hardcore metal, but Creed still managed to sneak two classic tunes in there. I guess it's a testament to how powerful and original Scott Stapp's vocals are. The same can be said about the lead singer of Nickleback - the Paddle Pop lion.

I was dumfounded as to why your Hottest 100 forgot to include the Hanson sisters' groundbreaking track MMMBop. Growing up, Taylor Hanson was my generation's Taylor Swift, only more talented and far more attractive.

Just because Ke$ha looks like a genetic engineer crossed a peacock with a prostitute, it doesn't mean she's not talented. TiK ToK rules! Try and find me a better song about a clock and being a whore all night.

One of the more contentious entries amongst my friends and I, was Aqua's Doctor Jones. My mate Dave was like, "No way man, Barbie Girl is way better." Yeah, whatever Dave, maybe if you're a teenage girl. Boom!

It's worth noting that Rhianna's Umbrella at number #43 marks the first time she's actually beaten Chris Brown, whose song Forever comes in at #44. It's also the first time a father and daughter have been acknowledged in my Hottest 100, so congratulations to Will and Willow Smith.

I guess your Hottest 100 wasn't 100% shit, just 99%. I enjoyed Wheatus' Teenage Dirtbag, which actually just missed out on the 100th spot to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You.

Finally, what can be said about Peter Andre that hasn't already been said about Michael Jackson? Nothing, that's what. Then there's Paris Hilton, who's basically just a skinny Adele. I've dreamt for a long time that Andre and Hilton will marry and reproduce. Not only would their offspring take the music industry by storm, but they'd do it with pure class... and washboard abs.

Anyway, please get in touch with me with regards to the vote recount. I'm sure it was just an oversight by one of the chimps working in your computer room. After all, you are a government-funded broadcaster.

Musical regards,

Rich Wisken

Christian Adams - "Psychic Medium and Energy Healer"

Christian Adams is a Psychic Medium and Energy Healer. To win a free twenty minute reading and see a photo of Christian discovering water on Mars, please CLICK HERE. I really hope I win the competition, but before I enter, I'd like to learn a bit more about Christian's skills.

Greetings Christian,

I would really love to win a free twenty minute reading, but first I’d like to get a better understanding of the services you provide. There are a few things in your Facebook bio, which don't really make sense to someone not of the spirit world. If you happen to find some time between chatting with ghosts and reading auras, could you please get back to me with your answers?

What exactly does a Psychic Medium do? Please forgive me, but all of my supernatural knowledge comes from the movie Ghost, starring Patrick Swayze and Ashton Kutcher’s Mum. Unfortunately, the only bit I remember is when Mrs. Kutcher is elbow deep in a slab of clay, whilst listening to Unchained Melody, when a shirtless Swayze comes in and completely fucks everything up, because he’s horny and has zero respect for pottery. As you can see, that particular scene has nothing to do with the spirit world, hence the reason why I’m hoping you're able to educate me.

I’m also curious as to what an “Energy healer” does. Has it got anything to do with comforting people who have unreasonably high electricity bills? If so, I could really use your help, seeing as it’s winter and all. Another impressive accolade that shouldn't go unnoticed, is the fact that you're a 'Reiki master in Usui Reiki, Seichim Reiki and Karuna Reiki'. I think I've heard of those guys, are they the Fijian rugby playing triplets? If so, what sparked your interest in rugby playing brethren from the tropics, and how long did it take to become a master?

Your 'ability to read auras, through psychometry and the use of Titania’s Fortune Cards' sounds pretty cool too, although I’m a bit sceptical of fortunes, ever since the time I was given one in a cookie at a Chinese restaurant. It read, 'You will soon be honoured by someone you respect'. It should've declared, 'The chicken wasn’t cooked properly, enjoy the diarrhoea'. Trust me, you could’ve smelled my aura that day Christian.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there are people out there who don’t believe in what you do. For instance, I have a mate named Rich, who thinks psychics are full of shit. He reckons they’re a bunch of fraudulent, thieving con artists, who pray on the weak and vulnerable for their own financial gain. What an idiot! He also thinks that being a psychic today is so much easier, thanks to Google and various social media formats. What would Rich know though? He's such a moron!

If I win the free reading, I’m going to give it to Rich, so you can prove to him that it's not a prerequisite to suffer from mental illness, in order to talk to ghosts. I bet he’ll change his tune as soon as you introduce 'Albert', your spirit doctor. It’s not Fat Albert by any chance is it? I only ask because he’s probably dead by now - seeing as he was a prime candidate for heart disease and type 2 diabetes. He would definitely make an excellent spirit doctor though, mainly because of the positive educational lessons he and Bill Cosby taught the kids every episode.

Well Christian, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. You can either email, or send a spirit to summon me. If you choose the latter, please let me know when I should expect them, because I often watch the Ghostbusters trilogy and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

Transcendent regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. I forgot to mention that I really like your tattoos bro, are they Fijian?

My Résumé...

Since writing the Brumby ad, I've been offered several copywriting jobs. However, yesterday was the first time a company actually requested my résumé (or curriculum vitae, for those of you who don't understand French, but speak fluent Latin).

I'm certainly interested in pursuing more writing work, so I thought it'd be best if I posted my CV on here.

Prospective employers, please click on the image below to find out more about me.

One strength I forgot to list, is that that I'm not afraid of heights... or bridges.

Dear Justin Bieber...

Dear Justin Bieber,

I am your biggest fan, but did you know that loads of people around the world think you’re a talentless nobody? I know, whatevs, right? The haters who view you as an irritating little dickhead, obviously haven’t listened to your incredible music. You are the greatest thing to happen to the music industry since Ace of Base, and they were the SHIT! Who’s your favourite Scandinavian pop group? Is it Aqua? I also like them, especially the bald guy with the deep voice.

I put a poster of you on the roof above my bed so I can stare into your eyes as I fall asleep. That’s probably why I have a really cool reoccurring dream about you. We’re at a Psy concert and he invites you on the stage to do that awesome horsey dance. Man I love that dance. Anyway, you do it about ten times better than him, because you’re not fat. I usually awake from this dream with my heart pounding. Luckily, all I have to do to calm myself is look up at my poster and repeat “Baby, baby, baby ooohhh” fifty times. The combination of your deeply emotional lyrics and beautiful smiling face, ensure that the rest of my night is spent in blissful slumber.

The other day, I was talking to my Mum about music. She really likes Peter Gabriel. Have you heard of him? He’s an old guy with a stupid goatee, but he does have a good song that I think you should cover. You would sing it way better than him. It’s called “Sledgehammer.” Maybe you could get Usher and Miley to sing backing vocals.

You are a musical genius who somehow continues to surprise your Beliebers every time you drop a new track. It must have felt amazing when you destroyed the other nominees to win Best New Artist at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards for your timeless ballad, "Baby." You totes deserved it Biebs. I’m going to get the lyrics of that groundbreaking song tattooed across my chest in fancy calligraphy so I remember them forever.

For me, your music speaks volumes about the kind of artist you’re becoming; a truly gifted young man with boundless talent and astonishing integrity. No other person in my life means as much to me. Thank you for all the joy you've provided over the years, I hope they never find a cure for Bieber Fever.

All my love,

Rich Wisken xxxx

Bundaberg Rum (a trip down memoryless lane)

Bundaberg Rum UP
Bundaberg, QLD

When I was thirteen, I watched Billy Moore’s now infamous “Queenslander” chant during the 1995 State of Origin series. I remember thinking to myself that it was really nice of the Maroons to select such a high-profile sufferer of Tourette syndrome.

There is only one thing more Queensland than that fabled Origin moment... and that’s Bundaberg Rum. In fact, Bundy is even more Sunshine State than Wally Lewis sticking a bunch of bananas up Ian Healey’s bumhole, while on a fishing trip to the Great Barrier Reef.

I first tasted Bundy Rum at my friend Danni’s house as a fourteen year old. Convinced I could impress her with my drinking skills, I consumed enough rum to sedate every miner in Far North Queensland. I’m pretty sure I failed, unless she’s impressed with guys who burn their jeans in a bonfire and vomit on their Pearl Jam t-shirt.

Since then, I’ve had a bipolar relationship with the overbearing polar bear. Many Queenslanders refer to Bundaberg Rum as mother’s milk, whereas I like to think it’s more of an abusive stepmother’s formula. I can’t recall the number of mornings after sinking a dozen Bundy and Coke cans, that I’ve woken up feeling like I've actually spent the night with Ted Bundy.

So what is it about the sickly golden distillate that makes me return, time and time again?

Well, I simply believe that it’s a case of religious indoctrination. As a teenager, I was a pious acolyte of the Church of Bundaberg Rum. With a polar bear as my pastor, I spent my weekends being relentlessly molested by molasses. Today, as an alcoholic alter boy, I still read from the Bundy Bible.

Hallelujah!

Twice in One Hour!

Dear Secure Parking,

Last Thursday, I parked my Mum’s purple Honda Civic at your Riley Street parking lot in Darlinghurst. Why am I driving my Mum’s purple Honda Civic? Well, I recently sold my 1991 Subaru Brumby and haven’t found a suitable replacement yet. Unfortunately the Delorean from Back to the Future is still travelling through time to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease and President Obama won’t sell Air Force One.

I parked the car for one hour and thirteen minutes, between the hours of 1:36pm and 2:49pm at a total cost of $40.17. This included a surcharge of $1.17, which I can only assume is for the inconvenience of using my Visa card, rather than feeding $39 worth of ten cent pieces into your pay station’s coin slot. Next time I promise to be more considerate.

Paying this amount of money for one hour of parking seems exorbitant to me; here’s why:

Hypothetically, if someone named Rich went to Darlinghurst to visit a working girl named Destiny, at a brothel situated within walking distance of your parking lot; how much do you think he would pay per hour for her services? I know; the irony of a prostitute named Destiny is not lost on me either. Anyway, say Destiny charges $150 per hour - hypothetically. That’s only $111 more per hour than you charge for parking a car on a bare concrete surface. Do you think Rich faces an equitable predicament, considering the services rendered by both parties? I bet Rich wouldn’t think so. In fact, I reckon he’d know exactly what it feels like to be fucked twice in one hour.

I was wondering if there are any extra costs involved for parking on one of the upper-levels. Is there some kind of admission fee for using the stairwell to get to the ground floor? I only ask because I noticed that someone painstakingly recreated a scene from a Kings Cross public toilet in there. The pungent smell of stale urine was spot-on and the used prophylactic slumped over one of the stairs like a lifeless sea cucumber, was the icing on the urinal cake. Bravo to your art department for designing such an authentic installation.

If my parking cost was so high because of the entry fee to your stairwell gallery, please disregard this letter. If however, the use of the stairwell is complimentary, can you please inform “Rich” and I why the cost of parking in your car park, is relatively expensive when compared to shagging a hooker in a licensed bordello.

Cheers,

Rich Wisken

My Interview on ABC Radio Sydney.

This morning I was fortunate enough to be interviewed by Linda Mottram on 702 ABC Sydney. I think they blew their entire budget producing the promo for my ad.

Click the link below to listen.

Click HERE if you couldn't give a shit.

Thanks to Brendan King, Linda Mottram and Jacob Round for putting it together.

Erik - the Joffrey Baratheon of Online Classifieds...

Hello Erik from Castle Hill,


I see that you’re selling your white Volkswagen Golf R32 DSG on Gumtree. Cool car bro’ - just kidding. Can you please tell me what DSG stands for? Is it, “InbreD PlagiariSing ButtpluG?" The reason I ask, is because I noticed that you cut & paste the copy from my Brumby ad into your Gumtree listing, before adding a few bits and pieces of your own.

It’s OK though Erik, I’m sure this has all just been a big misunderstanding.

Imagine how upset I would feel if someone deliberately passed off my work as his or her own. I suppose I’d feel the same way you did when little Timmy stole your crayons at special school; maybe even as sad as when you wore your King Joffrey costume to the sheltered workshop last week, only to have a co-worker demolish your cardboard box fortress. Did you know that Joffrey’s Mum had sexual relations with her twin brother? Something I think you should talk to your Mum and uncle about.

Remember when your Mum used to tell you that life was like a box of chocolates? Well, I wonder if she’s disappointed that you turned out to be a Turkish delight - the shit one that nobody likes. Please don’t blame yourself for being illiterate though. It was bound to happen; considering your Mum misspelled “Eric” on your birth certificate all those years ago. What can you expect from woman who was high on PCP? Personally, I think it’s the prison obstetrician’s fault for not correcting the error.

I apologise if your Mum actually descends from Viking blood, in which case spelling Erik with a K is completely understandable.

Is this your Mum Erik? I can see why you’re selling your VW Golf. How on earth have you been taking her to the methadone clinic in such a small hatchback for all these years?

Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on you. Someone once told me that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. With this in mind, I’ve decided to imitate you by spending the weekend in my Mum’s underwear and furiously masturbating to One Direction videos.

Best regards,

Rich Wisken

Colosseum? More Like Mausoleum!

Dear Colosseum Pizza & Rib House,

I’m writing to see if you received my email a couple of months ago outlining the concerns I had with my order of one large ribs. I’ve been eagerly awaiting your reply...

Firstly, please confirm which animal the ribs came from. I don’t mean which animal specifically, just the species. I’ve thought about this long and hard and I’m convinced they must have belonged to a cat, or one of the Olsen twins - probably Mary Kate.

To be honest, I’ve seen meatier ribs in a World Vision commercial.

Your business name gives an impression of grandeur on an immense scale; after all, the Colosseum was the Roman Empire’s largest elliptical ampitheatre. Because of this, I was expecting to be presented with a rack of ribs similar in size to the one that tips Fred’s car over during the opening sequence of The Flintstones. Unfortunately, what I received looked more like Skeletor’s throne from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe - another childhood favourite cartoon of mine.

Don’t you think that for someone named Skeletor, he’s incredibly muscular? Me too.

Remember the movie Gladiator, starring Russell Crowe? It’s probably my favourite sports movie of all time. Basically, it’s about Rusty’s experience at the Colosseum. He gets really angry and kills lots of people in it, a scene I’ve played out in my mind countless times over the last couple of months. Don’t worry though, I’m not a violent person. At worst I’d probably just throw a telephone at you - another one of Rusty’s favoured combat techniques.

The one positive outcome from this experience is that I’m thinking of sponsoring a World Vision child. I haven’t done much research into yet, do I get to bring him home? If so, I’d probably go for one with a bit of sweatshop experience. I’m terrible with a sewing machine and since I lost so much weight - a consequence of meager rib consumption - I now require a skilled tailor to alter all my clothes. What do you think I should name the little guy? I’m thinking, Maximus.

I’m not after an apology, but I do want you to know that the $39.95 I paid for the replica graveyard you gave me could’ve been used to keep little Maximus and his family alive for a quarter of a millennium, which just happens to be the same amount of time it’ll take me to reconsider ordering from you again.

All the best,

Rich Wisken (and Maximus)

CLICK HERE TO READ PART II

Leonardo DiCaprio Wears a Watch - Sort Of

The Wild Stallion

Last year, I wrote an ad to sell my 1991 Subaru Brumby. I honestly thought that I'd be lucky to get fifty or so views, but as of today, the combined views between eBay and Gumtree surpassed 200,000.

If I had a dollar for every time someone viewed my ad, I'd have... I can't find my calculator. 

I've had some excellent replies, including: a nude photo and explicit home video from an exhibitionist in QLD, two marriage proposals, numerous copywriting job offers, and perhaps my favourite - someone telling me I should kill myself because I'm not funny. Brilliant.

Thanks to everyone who shared the ad with their mates and to Gumtree for posting it on their Facebook page.

The Brumby sold, but I'm not sure for how much. My team of accountants should finish counting the cash in 12-14 months.

*UPDATE*

Gumtree views = 1.75 million

No idea how many Facebook/Twitter shares

Click below for the ad

Orlando Wines, Coolabah, Fruity Lexia NV

Orlando Wines
Coolabah, Fruity Lexia NV (Goon)
Barossa Valley, S.A

Since 1973, Coolabah have equipped impoverished uni students and penniless backpackers with a highly functional piece of sleeping paraphernalia — the silver pillow. Perhaps the only examples of contemporary engineering that rival these shining headrests include: the Mars Rover and Iain Hewitson’s suspenders.

The box’s artwork depicts something I’ve never seen before; three adults drinking Goon from actual wine glasses, not a Hills Hoist in sight — clearly a surrealist piece.

A golden shower of flaxen-coloured liquid generously surges from the Golden Gallon’s nozzle. The aroma profile is a heady mix of house parties and Cottee’s orange/mango cordial. If my dad picked the fruit that went in this stuff, I’d put myself up for adoption. 

The saccharine fluid tastes like passionfruit and a girl I once knew, which isn't ideal. Fruity Lexia, like dyslexia, impairs a person’s fluency and their ability to read, write and spell. It also impedes one’s capacity to judge the attractiveness of the opposite sex.

If this syrupy concoction was a person, it'd be Zac Efron, because it's sickly-sweet and high-school girls desperately want it in their mouths.

Merkin Vineyards, Chupacabra 2006

Merkin Vineyards
Chupacabra  2006
California, USA

This potion was fermented in the cellar of TOOL frontman, Maynard James Keenan. Being a prodigious rock god wasn’t enough for MJK, so he decided to plant some vines in the harsh terrain of Northern Arizona and name the vineyard after a pubic hair wig. 

My apologies to any Beliebers out there, but only TOOL fans will understand this tasting Eulogy. 

After observing the wine's deep crimson colour, I was expecting to be punched in the face with a Stinkfist of aromas, however the nose was fairly restrained. I took my first sip after a brief Intermission of approximately Forty Six & 2 minutes - the perfect opportunity to Jerk Off.

Initially the palate is meaty and tannic, exhibiting cassis, cherry jam, black pepper and tobacco. An undertow of developed, Vicarious characters follow, which are indicative of the seven years this elixir has spent inside its glass sarcophagus. Like the after effects of an AEnema, the finish is dry and hot.

I felt Cold and Ugly before drinking this satisfying Opiate, but now I’m feeling pretty Rosetta Stoned - definitely not Sober. Staring at the empty bottle, I can’t help but think it’d make a good defensive weapon against a Hooker with a Penis trying to force me into Prison Sex. Upon Reflection, this scenario is highly unlikely, considering it hasn’t happened to me yet in the 10,000 Days or so that I've been alive.

Drink with mates, not tools.

Snake and Herring, 'High and Dry' Riesling 2012

Snake and Herring

‘High and Dry’ Riesling 2012

Porongurup, W.A

This wine's excellent label was clearly designed by a mental case on an acid trip. So, in that spirit, I’ve decided to drop four LSD tabs before reviewing it.

The light, straw green colour rapidly morphs into a kaleidoscopic pool of richly-saturated, tie dye spirals, reminiscent of a Grateful Dead t-shirt. It’s also worth noting that this is the first time I’ve witnessed a purple crocodile singing karaoke in a wine glass.

Potent lime and mandarin aromas dominate, but it’s hard to tell if the intense fragrance is wine-related, or because Jimi Hendrix is violently hurling citrus fruits at me from a fire-breathing unicorn. 

The palate is slightly spicy with loads of fresh lime. A clean, pure and strikingly dry wine, with a refreshing burst of acidity and a strong crisp finish. Perhaps the only negative about this wine is that half my face melted off during a conversation with baby Jesus...

Drink with Jerry Garcia + The Smurfs + foetal position

Turkey Flat, 'Butchers Block' Marsanne/Viognier 2004

Turkey Flat
'Butchers Block' Marsanne/Viognier 2004
Barossa Valley, S.A.

The nose on this Rhône-esque blend is more developed than the Western world. Complex apricot nectar, preserved lemon and Frangipani blossom aromas mix with nutty oak and Driza-Bone.

Its palate is as dense as Forrest Gump after going 12 rounds with Iron Mike Tyson. Ripe nectarine, mandarin and cashew flavours lead to a weighty, honeyed-fig finish. Unlike Mr Gump, this wine doesn't have the legs to run much further; perhaps a bullet jumped up and bit it directly in the butt-ocks...  

Drink with Lieutenant Dan + peas and carrots + a box of chocolates